On the Tuesday after the Super Bowl, it is comforting to think baseball season is finally here.  Pitchers and catchers will be reporting in no time, and Opening Day will be here before we know it.  In honor of this wonderful start to the 2012 baseball season, I’d like to analyze one of the best contracts in baseball today.  No, I’m not talking about Evan Longoria’s contract; I’m talking about the deal the Yankees gave AJ Burnett, before the 2009 season.

Burnett has played three seasons for New York, since they signed him to a monster 5-year/$82.5 million contract.  This deal is similar to some other contracts starting pitchers have received recently:

-Justin Verlander 5 years/$80 million

-Felix Hernandez 5 …

…it’s the motorized statue that will activate when the Marlins hit one deep.

Seriously, doesn’t this look like something Bob Barker would have had contestants try to activate when trying to guess the retail price of Cup-A-Soup?

What I think is that this is somehow connected to the aquariums, where when a home run is activated, this statue goes off, and one of the mechanical marlins beams a ray that activates a device on Joey Cora’s belt, who then presses a hidden buzzer in the dugout. This buzzer activates the automatic fish feeding device in the aquarium. All of the fish are carnivores, so little Joey can see the struggle for life and death first hand while Hanley Ramirez ambles …

Y’all been following Giselle Gate? It’s way more fun than last year’s A-Rod/Cameron Diaz Popcorn Gate.

The Patriots choke away another Super Bowl because suddenly nobody can catch the ball, and the star quarterback’s wife calls them out on it — probably without knowing she was being taped. Now everybody hates her, not the butterfingered choking dog receiving corps.

Which obviously leaves Bill Buckner wishing she had been shacking up with Roger Clemens or Wade Boggs in ’86, right?…

Let’s say you got a game of Words With Friends going. And let’s say it’s not going well. You’re playing somebody who’s a lot better than you are and who – let’s be honest – seems to be getting all the good letters. He’s dropping QIs on you, tripling up that Q. Meanwhile, dude, nice … uh, HAT.

But you’re no pushover. You’re hanging tough. Sure, your slate looks like this: NIIOIEX. But that X is gonna keep you competetive. It’s the game changer. The question is, when to use it? Gotta wait til it’s just right. Don’t wanna waste it. But the longer you hang onto it, waiting for that big score, the less good it’ll do you when …

As B&C’s Blue Jays writer was the decision to nominate Duane Ward for the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. Of all the great Jays players who made the late ’80s and early ’90s so memorable, Ward has been the one key component that I feel has never received his just due…until now.

Below is my submission, my best effort to get Mr. Ward into St. Marys, and tomorrow morning at 9 in the AM Eastern, we’ll find out for sure…

*****

The idea to nominate Duane Ward for the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame hit me several years ago, but it seemed that each time the thought crept into my mind; the deadline was either past or right around the …

They’re putting the final touches on the new Marlins stadium. They laid down some sod and are doing the final touch-ups.

One of the interesting touches in the new stadium will be the pair of aquariums that will be installed behind home plate. You know, just like in your dentists’ office. No word on whether the Marlins will also pipe in soft rock from the 70′s and 80′s as well in the stadium.

(It would be a kick of Logan Morrison’s at-bat music was something like “Ventura Highway” or “Wildfire”. But I digress as usual…)

Now you may ask a few questions. Or one question:

“What the hell is going to happen if Big Z unleashes a wild one that …

Since a week ago Sunday when the Patriots-Giants Super Bowl rematch was set up, I’ve been thinking of the two post-Super Bowl XLII I wrote for Bugs & Cranks — “Anyone — Literally Anyone — Can Do It Once” (2/4/08) and “Choke-O-Metrics: 2007 Patriots vs. 2001 Yankees” (2/12/08).

I remembered calling the Giants perfection-ruining fluke “DISGUSTING” and “Opportunistic Mediocrity,” and I still totally believe that.

I forgot the title of the post and one particular sentence “Any group of assholes and gap-toothed misfits can get lucky once” — both of which could bite me in the ass this weekend.

Oh, and I compared the 2007 Giants to a misfit 2006 St. Louis Cardinals squad — if that means the Patriots …

Since the signing of Albert Pujols on December 8, the Angels have had—among several other perks and jollities—the good fortune of seeing their season ticket sales jump 50% from the same point last year. At last estimate, 3,000 full season ticket packages and 2,300 other full seasons from aggregated mini-plans have been sold.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Pujols alone would lead to stadium sell-outs for the next decade….

JIMMY: Waaah! Momma! My Victor Martinez broke!

MOMMA ILITCH: What? How’d it break? It’s not even baseball season.

JIMMY: Waah-haaaah! I don’t know! But look at his knee! Waaah!

MOMMA ILITCH: Whoa! That’s bad. “Off-season conditioning?” Maybe you overdid it a little.

JIMMY: Bad? It’s ruined! Look! That’s gonna take microfracture surgery AND they’re gonna have to rebuild its ACL. It’ll never be the same.

MOMMA ILITCH: Well … probably not, dear. You’ll just have to put it back in the box and don’t mess with it. For a long time.

JIMMY: Waaah! What am I gonna do without it, Momma? I need it! My Victor Martinez hit .330 and drove in 103 runs last year. And now it’s busted! …

Dear Abner,

I currently find myself in a rather awkward situation and was hoping you could give me a few words of advice. I run an apartment complex in Anaheim with nine studio units for rent. I cater mostly to international clientele but have a wide range of ages within that group.

Early last year a long-time tenant, Juan, was forced rather suddenly to move out of the country for work. Because he was unable to give sufficient notice, we had to find a replacement as quickly as possible. Our gardener, Tony, said he knew a guy who’d be great for the open room. I’m usually thorough in my background checks for prospective tenants, but given the time-crunch and Tony’s …

• Devil Rays
• Yankees
• Red-Sox
• pirates
• rockies
• Phillies
• orioles
• mets
• Blue Jays
• cardinals
• braves
• cubs
• twins
• Barry-Bonds
• dodgers
• brewers
• giants
• White-Sox
• alex-rodriguez
• morning-after
• tigers
• Angels
• All-Time Greatest Devil Rays
• rangers
• Mariners
• Nationals
• Rays
• manny-ramirez
• Derek-Jeter
• World-Series