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August 6, 2009 at 11:33 am ET
The Celebrity Roast of Omar Minaya

ross1Good evening, Mets fans — or as they call you in New York, “People in line for hockey tickets.”

Tonight, we’re here to celebrate the life and accomplishments of a man so connected to New York baseball that he can’t walk by a bullpen without whipping out his unit in front of random women and boy scout troops.

A man so invested in the Mets’ future stars that he even passed up two talented Hispanic players at the trade deadline.

A man with all the social ability of a home-schooled Mormon.

Tonight is about Omar Minaya, folks.


We’ve got a big night planned for you, Omar. Just look at the collection of talent we pulled together on this dais. It’s a veritable “who’s who” of New York sports — and a “who’s next?” at Columbia Presbyterian.

Yeah, these days, the Mets are best known for their injuries, not their victories, but you have to say this about them — the Mets are the most relevant and topical team in baseball. In 2007 and ’08, they ended their season like David Carradine, and this year they hired Michael Jackson’s doctor as team trainer. Now, we get to watch as they die a slow, publicly-televised death, just like Farrah Fawcett.


What? Too soon?テつ My apologies to both her fans. I’ll send them a couple new posters, since theirs are probably too wrinkled to be useful anyway.

Fred and Jeff Wilpon are here, but only to pick up loose change after the room clears. Bernie “made off” with so much of your money that the gangs in gen. pop have already given him a new tag — Mo Vaughn. Is your name Wilpon or “Will Pawn?” Why don’t you try hocking that busted relic in left and buy yourself some frozen sperm to build a goddamn farm system?

Oh, Gary knows I love him. Let’s get some applause for Gary Sheffield, everybody. Sheff, I spent most of the 90s admiring your baseball skills on the field, and your hitting skills on “COPS.”テつ In all seriousness, though, Gary has had an amazing career, spanning 21 years and 8 different teams. That’s one team for each of your illegitimate kids. Knock up one more and they’ll have to stick your name on a line of indoor grills.

Carlos Beltran is looking good up there on the dais. Carlos, we’re really sorry about the confusion earlier. From that distance, how was I supposed to know that thing on your ear wasn’t your date for the evening?

Wow! Adam Rubin is here. Adam, I have to give you credit — it’s classy of you to show up tonight, even though we had to fire three roasters because you wanted this job last year. I’d apologize, but you know I won’t mean it, either.

It’s good to see Jose Reyes up and around tonight. Jose, what the f-ck is wrong with your doctor?テつ You left the team in May because of leg cramps, and now you probably won’t play until 2010. That’s like going to Rite Aid for cough drops and walking out with syphilis.テつ But one good thing that has come out of this is that we don’t have to look at your goddamn hair anymore. Your head looks like old broccoli…if it was stuck in that pink part of a baboon’s ass.

Moises Alou is here tonight. And chances are, Omar will pay him $2 million just for showing up.

Greg Giraldo’s here, but only because he gets the team a bulk rate on painkillers.

Nelson Figueroa was here, but they sent him back to AAA after the appetizers. I didn’t know you could get frequent flier miles for mediocrity.テつ One more trip to Buffalo, and they’ll build a statue of you in the center of town, right next to the ones of a chicken wing and that guy that blew the field goal. Nelson’s career is like Amish sex. Once a week he quietly goes up or down, but after 7pm, his junk has no movement.

Luis Castillo would have been here, but he hurt his ankle tripping over all the commas on his paycheck.テつ I don’t care how good of a year he’s having — watching him play second base is like watching Larry Flynt navigate a gravel driveway.

Let’s hear it for Ralph Kiner, sitting right there in the front row. It’s a shame he couldn’t make it tonight.

Oliver Perez is here. It’s good to see you without your head in your hands. Watching you pitch is like watching border patrol trying to maintain control around a broken fence.テつ Oh, he knows I’m kidding. Ollie — seriously, though…you put more balls in the dirt than Adam Lambert.

Speaking of bad fits – let’s give a big New York welcome to Jeff Francoeur! Jeff just arrived here from the Braves — a team that felt it would be better off with a guy eight years older — and one frontal lobe lighter. Seriously, how bad do you have to be to get dropped for Ryan Church — a guy whose CAT scan resembles the floor of a Detroit Gymboree?テつ No, really, I want to know. I watched you hit the other night, and you made less contact than a coke-fueled Chris Brown.

David Wright is here. He’d be up on stage with the rest of us, but he didn’t have the power to lift himself out of his seat.テつ Still, it was nice of you to bring your edgy attitude tonight, especially since Jeff Foxworthy canceled at the last minute.

Someone told me some guys fromテつPhilly are here, but I don’t hear any women crying. Can anyone check the alley to see if they’re beating the piss out of another one of their own fans. Then tell them to get back to work parking those cars.

Now, on to the man of the hour…and he knows we only roast the ones we love. But since Bobby Valentine couldn’t make it, we decided to roast you instead.

What can you say about Omar Minaya that hasn’t already been said about George W. Bush? You both are fierce leaders of troubled masses. You both are dedicated to your home states and cities with fierce loyalty. You both address the media with all the grace of a “Rock of Love” week 1 reject. Seriously, Omar, who’s your media coach – Geri from “The Facts of Life”?テつ I’ve seen better written statements above a urinal.

But when the cameras are away, Omar gets down to business. The kind of business that brought Johan Santana to New York for a handful of overrated minor leaguers.


…the kind of business that brought Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez to New York, bringing the Mets back to the national spotlight.


…the kind of business that encouraged you to sign Kris Benson to a two year extension, trade Brian Bannister for Ambiorix Burgos (or as he’s now known, “#83-97629″), and extend Luis Castillo for four years, even though Orlando Hudson was only a year away.


But all joking aside, it’s clear you’ve put together a hell of a team this year. Even though they’ve spent part of/most of the year playing without Delgado, Beltran, Maine, Reyes, Sheffield, Wagner, Putz, Schneider, F-Mart, and now Nieve, Niese and Castillo – the team hasn’t given up on 2009. No, the team still plans to spend your money without playing a single game, and continue to do so throughout next year as well…

[nervous laughter]

Well, that’s all the time I have up here tonight.

[Omar gives a confused stare]

Yeah, normally, I’d use this moment to wrap things up and say some really nice things about Omar, but after looking past K-Rod through your entire 2009 track record, well, there simply isn’t much to add. Your stars are more fragile than Artie Lange’s willpower. And morale is lower than Bret Michaels’ T-cell count…You haven’t done it alone, and yeah — shit happens — but it’s clear that this team wasn’t really well thought out.

So, thanks for being a good sport, and for at least giving fans a team that has heart and is trying its damnedest to win, even if they simply don’t have the ammo. You tried, Omar. Good luck in your next job.

Lisa Lampanelli is next.


Special thanks to the guys from The Fightins — Chamomiles Davis for the inspiration, and Meech for the blessing. Maybe Chams didn’t invent the idea (or even credit the Friars Club for that matter) but he’s been working this concept for a while now. Now, he doesn’t know me, and probably doesn’t like me, but what’s right is right. If you even remotely like to laugh, head on over and check Chams taking the piss out of Moyer, Kruk and that ugly green bastard that resembles my first prom date.

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7 Responses to “The Celebrity Roast of Omar Minaya”
  1. Ben Roethlisberger's love missle says:

    Omar “You know this guy Brad Bartone,he has “lobby” in the past for a job in public relations for the Mets.You know what I’am saying”?

  2. Watch your back, Brad. Tony “The Tiger’s” taking his shirt off and the Team Doctor’s putting his stethoscope on. Welcome Club Meds where the walls are padded on and off the Piti Field!

  3. Aaron says:

    Laughed so hard, beer shot out my nose. THIS… is the best piece of New York sportswriting for 2009. You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

  4. Sean says:

    Man this was great! You have talent my friend

  5. mo reese says:

    This Was The Funniest article I have read in a real Long time you know what I’m saying? I am going to Investigate the Investigation on how to Investigate writing an article as funny as this one,you know what I’m saying?

  6. Jeff says:

    Best article here in months, nice work. It’s actually baseball related AND funny.

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