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June 5, 2009 at 1:18 pm ET
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“Why I Hate the Mets” – The B&C Interview with God

god1NEW YORK, NY — In a Mets season that is quickly going the way of the buffalo, thanks to a veritable outbreak of injuries, illnesses and inconsistent performances, many within the organization have found themselves staring skyward for answers.

Now they have them.

And given the source, it wouldn’t be wise to seek a second opinion. To his friends, he’s affectionately known as Deus, Yahweh, El Shaddai, or OG, depending on which club opening he’s attending. But most of us know him as God.

And he hates the New York Mets. Just ask him.

“I hate the New York Mets,” He says.

Over the years, the Mets’ reputation of futility has been well documented. Whether we’re discussing the lovable but hapless losers from the early years; the miserable and pointless losers from the early-to-mid ’90s; or the heartbreaking collapse squads of recent seasons, there is no question that there has been a higher power involved in the team’s success, or lack thereof.

Bugs & Cranks sat down with God to find out more.

————

Brad Bortone: Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me today. I realize you’ve got a busy schedule.

God: No problem. I’m actually a big fan of Bugs & Cranks. You know, since I kind of created it.

BB: Does [Bugs & Cranks proprietor] Jesse know this?

G: Created him too.  Turned out better than expected. Let’s just say I lost a few bucks when he graduated college.

BB: So, let’s get down to it. Mets fans nationwide cannot believe the recent string of bad luck and injuries that have befallen the team.  First, there was Carlos Delgado, then—

G: —I had nothing to do with that. Did you really think a 37-year old power hitter, coming off an amazing 2008, was going to be able to maintain that kind of output?  Nope. That wasn’t my doing. If you want to point fingers, blame my good friend Reality.

BB: Okay, fine. What about Jose Reyes?

G: Oh, that was mine. The guy annoys me. And that hair? Maaaannnn. I have pretty relaxed rules about long hair on dudes — just ask my kid. But Reyes’ ‘do looks like the last 30 seconds of a fireworks display.

BB: That’s why you injured him?

G: That, and the fact that he’s a Met, of course. I jacked up his knee really good, or so I thought. But it seemed like he was recovering, so I aimed a little higher and tore his hamstring. Looks like that will keep him out of action for a while.  If this doesn’t work, I’m going to have to aim even higher. If it comes to this, stand back — it’s gonna get messy.

BB: And Ryan Church?

G: No one likes Ryan Church. Mets’ management doesn’t like Ryan Church. Teammates don’t like Ryan Church.  Ryan Church’s wife doesn’t like Ryan Church. People who regularly go to church, don’t like Ryan Church.

BB: The man got two concussions from playing hard, and he gets penalized by everyone. Why are you so harsh on Ryan?

G: It’s far too complex for you to understand.

BB: Try me.

G: No really. You wouldn’t get it.

BB: Please tell me.

G: No. It’s political.

BB: I need to know.

G: No.

BB: For the love of…um…You…would you just tell me already??!!

G: I love Lastings Milledge.

BB: Okay, I’ll stop asking. You made your point.

G: [laughing] Damn. I was hoping you’d buy that. In all seriousness, there is no earthly explanation as to why people hate Ryan Church. Now let’s move on.

BB: JJ Putz?

G: Just take a look at the name I gave him, and do the math, Hawking. Not one of my favorites.

BB: Fine. Can you explain this recent string of flu-like illness that has overcome the Mets clubhouse?

G: Yes.

BB: Will you?

G: All you had to do was ask nicely. Carlos made me angry when he insulted the Pirates yesterday, saying that the Mets should have beaten them, because the Mets were “better.”  Apparently not, Mr. Beltran. Apparently not…

BB: But Carlos made those comments after he returned from the stomach virus. How could you punish him for things he hasn’t said yet?

G: Still not getting your head around this whole “God” thing, are you?

BB: Alright, let’s put recent specifics aside. You have been quoted as saying, “I hate the New York Mets.” And given the team’s track record of late, that’s obviously true. But why? What is your reasoning?

G: Brad, you seem like a nice guy, and since I know how your head works, I’ll try to speak slowly.  The New York Mets were not my doing. I never approved the Dodgers moving to L.A., and though I didn’t care about the Giants  (I mean seriously, three teams in one city?) they were still better than the idea of a vagabond team coming in.

BB: Who is responsible for the Dodgers?

G: Phil…or as you know him, Satan — man that “evil” name cracks me up — did the deed. They didn’t end up in Los Angeles by accident.

BB: Don’t you think New York warrants at least two teams? It’s a big place, you know.

G: If you look at the number of championships I’ve provided the Yankees over the last 100 years, I think you’ll find the answer to that question.

BB: I guess I’ve always assumed it, but I have to ask — God’s a Yankee fan?

G: A guy like me can’t afford to be seen supporting anything less. I have a rep to uphold, you know.  My other favorite teams are the Patriots, Manchester United, the 1992-98 Chicago Bulls, D-Generation X and Lucy, from the Peanuts cartoons.

BB: So, why allow the Mets to even exist if you hate them so much?

G: At first it was comedy. I even gave them guys like Stengel and Berra, just to carry over some Yankee mojo. Then in ’69, I let ‘em win one, just to keep the fans coming.  I followed that path for years, taking them on a roller coaster, teasing success, but ultimately pulling it out from under them.

BB: 1986?

G: I was mad at George Steinbrenner for the way he was running the Yanks. I threw the Mets a bone during that trip around the sun. The ’80s were rough for all of us, and I let my focus get away from me.

BB: You’ve more than made up for it in recent Septembers.

G: Thank you.

BB: I meant to say that the way you’ve tortured Mets fans in 2007 and ’08 was nothing short of brutal — a decidedly cruel line of behavior from a supposed “all-loving” God.  This isn’t the God I was raised to believe in.

G: Earthquakes, floods, terrorism…and you’re complaining about a baseball team?  Maybe it’s time you reassessed your priorities…The suffering…the pain…

BB: Um…wow…er…um…you’re absolutely right. I apologize sincerely.

G: HA! Had ya goin’ didn’t I?  You’ve been biblically punked, son.  Yeah, I’m tough on the Mets, but I will give you this to chew on — I’ve been thinking of changing my approach toward your boys.  Maybe give them a taste of the big prize.

BB: Oh yeah? Fans would love that! Tell us more! Is it gonna be this year?

G: Hmmmm…I can’t reveal that. But, we’ve been discussing it up here, and decided on a new mission statement — a statement that fully encompasses our new attitude toward the Mets.  Wanna hear it?

BB: Absolutely, heavenly father. Please, bestow your kindness on all the readers…

G: It’s kinda deep. Can you handle it?

BB: Yes. Yes I can. Please don’t make us wait!

G: Okay, it goes like this: “Next year………..is NOW”

[17 minutes of God’s uproarious laughter]

BB: That’s all the time we have today. I’m not sure why I’m saying this, but thanks to God for speaking with Bugs & Cranks…

G: [still laughing] Hardball is back, Bortone!!!

BB: I’ll be back next we—

G: Ya gotta believe? Believe in this [chops crotch]…

BB: Be sure to check out—

G: Boy, I gave you a huge nose didn’t I? Don’t get invited to many cocaine parties, do ya?

BB: Bye everyone.

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4 Responses to ““Why I Hate the Mets” – The B&C Interview with God”
  1. Adam C says:

    Very nice. You actually made me laugh out loud a few times. I didn’t know you had it in you. No, seriously, I didn’t.

  2. RexS says:

    If God hates the Mets this much there must be something worth loving about them.

  3. dude abides says:

    This is a great post. Man, I laughed out load at few of the lines here. Please keep up the great work.

  4. Jorge Cantu cheese grated face says:

    Good hates me,look at my face.

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