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January 7, 2014 at 12:06 pm ET
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B&C’s Ballot: Tough Crowd

Only one of you got in? One?! I thought chicks dug the long ball…?

We Kershawed it out. We were able to vote up for up to ten nominees on an absolutely loaded ballot, but our message was clear: Abandon all hope ye who enter here. One soul made it across the Styx. Just one. Ours may not be the official vote that drops on Wednesday, but we did manage to formulate some compelling thoughts / opinions / diatribes:

  • “This is not the Hall of Great. This is not the Hall of Pretty-Damn-Good-for-15-Years. This is the Hall of FAME. Voting any more than a handful and you may as well hand out participation ribbons.”
  • “Ten is very arbitrary and foolish, as are most hypocritical HOF voters.”
  • “Any Hall voter who excludes Maddux should be given a drug test.”
  • “That’s all I’d vote for. Shame on me.

The damage (% of the vote) “Deep thoughts”:

Greg Maddux 82.3¬†Google the term ‘domination’ and you’ll get a lot of weird NSFW stuff. Turn on your safe filter andthen¬†Google ‘domination’ and you get Greg Maddux. He is the epitome of a starting pitcher and set a template for future players to follow. No-brainer.”

Mike Piazza 70.5¬†“Best-hitting catcher to never get busted for steroids.”

Frank Thomas 70.5¬†“Jim Rice got in on the ‘Most feared hitter of his era’ argument. On the fear scale, Rice would be like a paper cut to Thomas‚Äô decapitation by samurai sword.”

Tom Glavine 52.9¬†“Maybe a bit more of an accumulator than a dominator, but 300 wins is 300 wins.”

Tim Raines 52.9¬†“It‚Äôs time to stop penalizing this guy because he was the second best leadoff hitter of his era (and the man he was behind is the greatest player I‚Äôve ever seen).”

Barry Bonds 47.0¬†If he’s not in, the whole thing’s an abominable, hate-filled joke that pisses over all that is great in the human spirit.”

Craig Biggio 46.1¬†“Just a non-sexy, deserving HOF candidate.”

Jeff Bagwell 41.1¬†“HAS to get in this year.”

Roger Clemens 41.1¬†“In an era where players juiced more than Ron Popeil and Jack LaLanne combined, Bonds and Clemens were peerless. Put the Cheater Kings in the Hall, but include the phrase, ‘the steroid era’ on their plaques.”

Edgar Martinez 23.5¬†“Since designated hitter is a legitimate position (i.e., a slot in the lineup), the¬†guy who easily exceeds what needs to be a high threshold¬†deserves to go in.”

Curt Schilling 23.5¬†“Undeniably one of the great pitchers of his generation.”

Alan Trammell 17.6¬†“Another guy who gets penalized for being the second best at his position when the best was an all-time great player. Deserves to be in the Hall (and his double play partner – Lou Whitaker – should still be on the ballot).”

Mark McGwire 11.7¬†“Alright, I’ll admit it. My softball team still bashes it out after wins. But we fuel up on PBR, not the Clear.”

Jack Morris 11.7¬†”¬†I love Jack Morris. He‚Äôs one of my favorite players ever. And he shouldn‚Äôt be in the Hall of Fame.”

Mike Mussina 11.7¬†“Never stood out as a dominant pitcher, but his overall numbers say he should be in Cooperstown.”

Moises Alou 5.0¬†“He would have gotten in, but that fuckin’ Bartman…”

Jeff Kent 5.0¬†“One of the most productive second basemen of all-time, but he simply can’t hold a candle to Morgan, Sandberg and Alomar with the glove. May get in over time, but for now, he’ll have to wait.”

Rafael Palmeiro 5.0¬†“3,000 hits, 500 home runs and no chance.”

Lee Smith 5.0¬†Put up saves and strike outs, was definitely dominant at times, but he simply was never as consistently dominant as Fingers and Goose and Sutter and Eck.”

Sammy Sosa 5.o¬†“Hey. Sosa? I never fucked anybody over in my life, didn’t have it comin’ to ‘em.”

Larry Walker 5.0¬†“He has an argument, and I could see him getting in someday. But not with a ballot this loaded.”

WRITE-INS:

Pat Burrell 

“I know he’s not eligible, but the heart wants what the heart wants.”

Ken Caminiti

“He paid the ultimate price to take a lowly Padres team to the World Series.”

Peter Edward Rose

Enough is enough. What others did with androsterone and The Clear, Charlie Hustle did with Skyline Cheese Coneys and flop sweat. A Hall of Fame without the Hit King is nothing more than a quaint exhibit.”

John Jaha

“It’s a sleeper pick.”

Fernando Valenzuela

¬†“Is he in already? Fucking should be!”

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