Whether you love them or loathe them, the Cubs are in the playoffs. With a history of iconic failure, the Cubs don’t tread lightly when they make the postseason. Stupid signs will be waved. Curses will be exorcised (I wish Daryle Ward exorcised). A century of losing will be flogged.
If you happen to be a fan of the Cardinals, White Sox, Brewers, or the Indians (who would own the next longest losing streak), there are still ways to make the playoffs tolerable. I present the Cubs 2007 Postseason Drinking Game.
If I were a “real fan” I would tell you to pick up a case of Old Style because they’ve been a sponsor of the Cubs since the Korean War. Unfortunately, it tastes like liquid sawdust so fuck it, I’m grabbing a case of Bud Light. After all, Harry was a Bud Man.
You’ll also want a bottle of something hard to fight that bubbly-stomach feeling when you have to pound 8 drinks in a minute.
If you’re watching with a hot blonde, feel free to substitute champagne.
Take One Drink
- Any camera shot of a celebrity in the stands wearing Cubs gear
- The commentator mentions the Cubs haven’t won the series in 99 years
- TV cameras show a white “W” flag
- Wrigley field is described as any of the following: charming, historic, quaint, gorgeous, landmark, priceless, classic, vintage, iconic
- A sign in the crowd depicts the Cubs logo with some other word besides “Cubs”
- Drink at all mentions of goats, black cats, Bartman and curses
- A commentator mentions Carlos Zambrano’s contract extension
- Drink every time you feel an undeniable urge to punch Ernie Johnson in the face. In second thought, just drink once.
Take Two Drinks
- Lou Pinella goes batshit crazy at the umpire
- Felix Pie enters the game as a pinch runner or defensive replacement
- Ron Santo is shown broadcasting the game from a nearby booth
- “It’s Gonna Happen” shirts are seen or mentioned by the broadcasters
- Announcers mention that Kerry Wood is frequently injured
- A shirtless fan is shown (double if it’s a lady!)
- The announcers mention that Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot were college teammates
- The White Sox 2005 championship is mentioned
Finish your Drink!
- Daryle Ward plays the field
- Daryle Ward advances past first base
- Someone explains Eamus Catuli
- Announcers mention Carlos Marmol is a converted catcher
- Carlos Zambrano punches someone
- A Cubs pitcher pinch hits
If you’re a regular bleacher bum, you should be plenty toasted by the time the game ends. If you’re a fan of a Cub-hating team, I’d imagine you’re blacked out and approaching medical attention by now and will never have to remember the Cubs were in the playoffs. Don’t worry, though, we’ll remind you.