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October 21, 2010 at 12:01 pm ET
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And the fat shall inherit the earth

Yesterday, C.C. Sabathia went to the mound for New York and allowed them to live another day. A few hours later, Juan Uribe walked off a win to put his Giants one game from the World Series. He of course had a little help from Pablo Sandoval “bustin’ out the chucks,” as Lando put it. Joe Blanton also had a solid outing. Carlos Ruiz is having another good postseason. And a few days ago, Bengie Molina mashed the first pitch he saw in the sixth to make A-Rod feel a little faint. “When viewers saw the paunch jiggle in super slo-mo as he finished his swing, millions of Cheeto-eating Americans misted up a little,” said our own self-described “doubleX” B&C honcho Smitty.

What do these three have in common? BIG stats, so to speak. I always trust BaseballReference.com for stats, but in this case I think they’re kind of out to lunch:

Chooch: 5’10”, 215 (in this group, practically Paris Hilton)
Molina: 5’11”, 225 (maybe on the moon with its 83% gravity)
Uribe: 6′, 230 (heftiest shortstop in MLB history)
Blanton: 6’3″, 245 (clearly using the same busted scale as Bengie)
Sandoval: 5’11”, 245 (weighs about the same as real pandas)
Sabathia: 6’7″, 290 (nearly the Hulkster’s stats)

Meanwhile, a beanpole like Derek Jeter (6’3″, 195) has but 2 RBI and 2 runs in 8 games. And isn’t this part of what makes baseball great? You watch the NBA and think, “Gosh, I’ll never be able to move that quickly. And sprinting back and forth on the court for a hour? Fugghedaboutit.” But watching someone like Cecil Fielder or Rich Garces excel, it’s hard not to feel like maybe you could do that, too. And by “you,” I mean “me.” And by “maybe,” I mean “whatevs.”

This is the year when having fatties means winning playoff games. So this offseason, here are some names teams hoping to play deep into October 2011 might want to keep on their radar. Just remember that in addition to the contract, you’ll be paying for locker room snacks, which could easily double the value of the contract for these big fellas.

Bobby Jenks – “One of my fondest baseball memories is Ozzie Gullien signaling to the bullpen not with the usual hand gesture, but rather with the “I want the fat guy” mechanic. Classic.” (Townie)

Prince Fielder – “Living proof that broccoli is bad for you” (Bortone)

David Ortiz – “Not having to play the field gives him more time to chow down between innings” (Tobin)

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