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October 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm ET
A Rational Plan To Save The World Series

So I just heard the news that Game 5 won’t be resumed tonight, but Wednesday night at the earliest.

Needless to say, I’m SUPER PISSED because this pushes back my beloved Devil Rays winning the World Series from Thursday until Friday. And I’m supposed to go see my friend’s band play that night. And it’s when we’re supposed to have our victory parade.

There’s a rational fix to this: get both teams on a plane to Florida and finish Game 5 at beautiful, historic, rainproof Tropicana Field on Wednesday night. Then start Game 6 immediately after our Devil Rays prevail.

Some might say, well that’s unfair to the Phillies fans who had tickets to Game 5. To which I say, fuck ‘em. They had their chance. They could have demanded their team build a stadium with a roof. But no, they’re too busy throwing mustard packs and beers at children. So, fuck ‘em.

The Phillies should want this for the good of the game. Their historic Game 7 loss will draw shittier ratings if it’s played on a Friday night. Thursday night — the night of Cosby, Cheers, Friends, that Jerry guy, is a historic ratings bonanza. That’s the night the culmination of the Rayvolution should be aired on — not fucking Halloween Friday night.

Selig, get on this.

Meanwhile, I pity the Phillies and their fans for having to endure this unnecessary 45 hour wait to play a mini-game where you will see your championship dreams fade to shit, as all Philadelphia dreams do. I recommend you use this time to prepare yourselves for the inevitable disappointment you know so well.

Viva La Rayvolution!

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39 Responses to “A Rational Plan To Save The World Series”
  1. meech.one says:

    /stocks up on mustard packs

  2. jH says:

    You ate a lot of paint chips as a child, didn’t you?

  3. PTownFan says:

    I second that emotion… Chalk’s that is.

  4. Uncle Cos says:

    oh, don’t worry… you’ll still be able to go trick-or-treating Friday. The Rays will too. It’ll all be over for you soon enough.

    PHILLIES ’08!

  5. Tim says:

    I can only hope that you’re not serious.

    Because, if you are, I would have to commend Bugs and Cranks for employing a writer who is mentally retarded.

  6. coops2001 says:

    Trop is historic? Oh yeah, that’s right, for catwalks and toxins. Winner of the WS is that that survives the toxic waste that the Florida Department of Environmental Protection is reviewing:


    The DEP does not state any opinion on the asinine rules of catwalk ball.

  7. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Of course, I’m serious. And why does everyone keep asking am I serious? did I eat paint chips? am I retarted? Why would anyone ask those things WHEN I’M FUCKING RIGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?!?!?!

    Only about 33 more hours until we can go out and start proving it….

  8. Mike says:

    I thought you said “rational”? I was unaware that it is “rational” to turn the TB homefield advantage from 4 games to 3, into 4.33 games to 2.66 games… How is that fair? It has nothing to do with the fans, it’s got to do with the fact that we get 3 full games, you get 4 full games.

    And for the record, baseball is supposed to be played outdoors… that’s the way it’s meant to be… get over it, this kind of shit happens. It’s terrible that it happened this way during the World Series, but Selig is the culprit for the way this all went down, and Philadelphia shouldn’t be punished because of it…

    It’s funny that you were nowhere to be found for the the past week or so, when your beloved rays were getting spanked (hell the other day you fell off your own bandwagon), and now all of a sudden you get a bullshit stay of execution, and you’re back spouting off at the mouth again. I liked it better when you were nowhere to be found, along with the rest of Tampa Bay’s fans. I wonder how many people shaved their gay mohawks off already…

    And PTownFan, I can’t figure out who’s meat you ride more… Gomes’ or Chalk’s.

  9. RayDawgs says:

    The more I read this douchebag’s posts the more I ask myself why I even waste my time on this website. It’s growing more and more obvious that Dbag Chalk doesn’t even believe himself and only writes this way to incite readers to argue about this garbage.

    The sooner the Rays get eliminated the better. As for me, I’m done reading the horseshit this guy repeatedly posts.

  10. Tim says:

    The funny thing about last night’s game was that Hamels didn’t even have his best stuff. He couldn’t control his curveball, and his changeup was significantly limited because of the rain. And yet, the Rays only scored two runs on a diet of mostly fastballs.

  11. brian hall says:

    You know what Chalk your right. Lets send this back to Florida, fuck those assholes that have tickets. I just wanna get this shit over with. I’ll fly back down there again and spill another beer on 9 year old kid because there’s absolutely nothing those fags would do about it. Chalk I might punch you the next time we hang out!

  12. Mike says:

    Wait, Brian, you actually know this asshole in real life? Jesus Christ… why is he still talking? I would have knocked his teeth down his throat long ago… especially being the despicable Philthies fan that I am…

    And for the record, no one believes any of that shit your fans are selling anyway Chalk. I’ve seen a lot of despicable shit at Philly sporting events, but I don’t believe for one minute that anyone intentionally poured beer on a 9 year old, or threw mustard packets at Joe “WAAHHHH HE’S GOT PINE TAR ON HIS HAT” Maddon’s granddaughter, and NO ONE around them did a god damn thing about it.

    I do believe that TB fans probably got yelled at a lot, cursed at a lot, and adults probably even got assaulted a lot… but I don’t for one fucking second believe that anyone threw anything at a 9 year old… ridiculous.

    If I ever saw you in real life, I’d pour a beer on you…

  13. brian hall says:

    Mike, don’t let Chalk get to ya. Although he actually did get to me with this post. Chalk is actually a good guy and really good writer. Oh and Chalk is from Washington and is a huge Redskins and Mets fan? Yup a Mets fan.

  14. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    RayDawgs — I get an awful lot of comments like yours. And then the same people keep leaving similar comments over and over again, as if they couldn’t get enough of reading my stuff. The truth hurts, and yet people are drawn to it.

    I expect to see some retaliatory tazings of Phillies children when the series returns to The Trop.

  15. Chad says:

    Chalk, baseball was meant to be played outdoors, not in a warehouse. The Trop is neither beautiful nor historic. That’s probably why they don’t draw a crowd all season. Its ok, though. When Philly wins, you’ll go back to hiding under your rock and in rare instances that you post, it will be to make excuses as to why the Rays didn’t win.

  16. Adam C says:

    I don’t know why you’re so pissed, Chalk, you’re gonna get to see the Jonas brothers Friday. And besides, with the extra money you surely had put aside for game 6 you can now spend on souvenirs at the concert. And as an added bonus, I hear teenage girls love the fauxhawk, so you’re sure to score.

  17. Adam C says:

    …unless Maddon is coaching you, in which case you’re odds of scoring get worse.

  18. Easy way to decide who won last night’s game: Which team had the most players who turned their lids inside out, all the more to protect their ears and necks?

    Yeah, you lose, ya half a phegs.

  19. JimD says:

    “Chalk is actually a good guy and really good writer.”

    Not sure I’m getting this site. Somebody tell this pup to sit back and get a few more years under his belt before he shares any more baaeball wisdom. Actually, let’s give him another decade since he’s stuck with the Rays.

  20. coops2001 says:

    JimD – I hear you but I wouldn’t penalize the Rays for Chalk’s insipid blatherings. The Rays seem like they are on the right track since the managment change three years ago. But as far as Chalk is concerned, remind him that Love Canal, Chernobyl, and the 1969 Cuyahoga River fire are also historic sites, just to put the Crapicana, er, Tropicana in it’s proper and rightful perspective in history. Again I say it, one word: Catwalks.

  21. Dirtbag Fan says:

    I’m glad to see so many ‘intelligent’ (and I use the word loosely) posts on here… If you’re ignorant enough to miss the obvious use of hyperbole in Chalk’s post then we’re not interested in hearing what you have to say … morons.

  22. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    What’s hyperbole? I’ve been accused of that literally a million times and still no one will explain to me what it means. Alas, my wisdom only extends to “baaeball.”

  23. Tim says:

    Hyperbole is a fancy word for “exaggeration.”

    An example of hyperbole: The Tampa Bay Rays have a lot of fans.

  24. Dirtbag Fan says:

    “Sarcasm is the protest of the weak”…

  25. coops2001 says:

    It’s funny until you beat it into the ground with a dead horse, or words to that effect. Then it gets old.

  26. Adam C says:

    Dirtbag Fan – “Sarcasm is the protest of the weak”…

    Would you say that the phrase “I’m glad to see so many ‘intelligent’ posts on here” is a use of sarcasm, you bufoon?

  27. Dirtbag Fan says:

    Do you beat it WITH a dead horse or do you beat A dead horse ?

  28. Dirtbag Fan says:

    @Adam C: no- actually it wasn’t sarcasm it was cynicism… close though. Keep studying.

  29. Dirtbag Fan says:

    You’ve got a nippy bunch over here Chalk, I don’t get to have this much fun posting over at RI, Cork runs a tight ship.

  30. Adam C says:

    sarcasm – A form of irony in which apparent praise conceals another, scornful meaning.

    Nice try dumbass.

    And if you were here more you’d know that Chalk creates the atmosphere that invites the ‘bunch’ to become ‘nippy’, which he likes.

  31. coops2001 says:

    Dirtbag Fan: I understand the correct way is as you said, beat a dead horse. Given the “nippiness” of the postings, I thought I’d take liberty with the saying.

    I still can’t get over the catwalks thing. Does any other sports stadium have those? And who invented the “catwalk ball” rules? Was it a committee?

  32. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    I do not like a nippy atmosphere. Why can’t we all just get along?

    DbF — While Cork preaches to the choir at RI, I do the heavy lifting here trying to save lost souls like Adam C. If I can save just one of these ignorant heathens it will all be worth it. I think I’m getting pretty close with some of them.

  33. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Coops is clearly suffering from a textbook case of “catwalk envy.” So sad. And so simple to cure — why envy us, when you can join us?

  34. Dirtbag Fan says:

    @ Adam C… what part of my statement about “intelligent” posters was ironic? It wasn’t sarcasm it was cynicism, but that’s just semantics.
    I’m glad that you googled the definition of sarcasm it shows that you’re willing to learn…

  35. coops2001 says:

    Sure, just like the catwalks in “Field of Dreams” and “The Pride of the Yankees”. I guess the cure involves glue sniffing or the aforementioned paint chips, eh?

  36. Dirtbag Fan says:

    That reminds me of an old classic; “Cat-Walk Fever” by Ted Nugent

  37. coops2001 says:

    Or “Black Catwalk Moan” by Beck, Bogert & Appice.

  38. Adam C says:

    Dbag, I’m not arguing that it’s not cynicism, just that it’s also sarcasm, which makes you the butt of your own quote. If you really meant “intelligent”, then I’m wrong, but you clearly did not.

    irony – the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning, e.g., what a fantastic use of my time!

    I know the definitions, but I look them up for you, because you apparently do not.

  39. Dirtbag Fan says:

    Adam C:
    You’re right, I’m a moron. Better?

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