First of all, congratulations to one of my all-time favoritest Devil Rays, El Gato Del Crimen Carlos Pena for winning his first Gold Glove Award.
El Gato has also become the first EVER Devil Ray to take home a Gold Glove Award. SHOCKING — I know. Fifty-two fucking years they’ve been giving out these awards, and this is the first time it’s gone to a Devil Ray. SHOCKING.
Just as shocking, and perhaps even more appalling is the rest of this year’s AL recipients didn’t include any other Devil Rays. Not a single fucking one.
What do they just pick names out of a fucking hat?
Second baseman Akinori Iwamura was absolutely robbed, as his award was given to that little balding albino dwarf from Boston.
It seems like we’ve come a long, long way in 2008, when an African-American Devil Ray fan can be elected PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, but a superbly talented Japanese infielder gets passed over for some little white dude who plays for an old establishment team. SHOCKING.
And what about Jason Bartlett. He was THE MVFUCKINGP of the Devil Rays, of the best defensive team in all of baseball, he played the most important position, and he gets bypassed for Michael Young. I used to work with that dude, he wrote well about the Reds, but in the field, compared to Jason Bartlett he might as well be dErEk jEtEr.
And Beltre over Evan Longoria? SHOCKING! And there’s no fucking way Mike Mussina is a better fielder than whoever the best fielding pitcher on the Devil Rays is.
Fuck. Why even have these awards if you’re not going to give them to Devil Rays? Two Mariners got Gold Gloves this year! The Mariners lost over a hundred fucking games, but apparently they wouldn’t have a single game without the defense prowesses of Beltre and Ichiro. You can apparently have two Mariners win, but only one Devil Ray, and only one Japanese player. THIS IS THE TWENTY-FIRST FUCKING CENTURY, why are we still letting these awards be given in this clearly biased good ‘ol boy, last fuckin’ millennium when the Yankees actually had a prayer way?
Clearly, we need CHANGE.