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August 24, 2009 at 12:21 am ET
MLB To Start Sex-Testing

A reliable source has told Bugs & Cranks that MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is planning to bring sex-testing to baseball as early as this weekend.  According to our source, Selig plans to issue the following announcement:

Last year we acted during the year to implement instant replay, but I feel this issue is even more urgent.  Back in 1988, I watched in horror as Ben Johnson was stripped of his gold medal in Calgary for steroid use, but couldn’t believe performance-enhancing drugs could ever be a problem in baseball.  I won’t be fooled again.  If sex-testing is necessary now in track and field, it must be equally necessary in baseball and we must take action now. I am dedicated to proving to fans that “the boys of summer” are really, real boys.

Given this startling revelation, I’ve asked several of my Bugs & Cranks colleagues — and Brad Bortone’s lovely wife — to help me compile a list of players who are likely to be outed by the new testing.

But first a little mood music:

Dude (Looks Like A Lady) – Aerosmith

The most interesting candidate comes from Landon Evanson, who admits “Every so often I can’t help but think that Chien-Ming Wang disturbingly resembles Jessica Alba facially.”


But wait there’s more….

Alex Rios, White Sox (also Landon):


It’s an oldie but goodie, first pointed out by Dan Tobin back in ’07, David Ortiz and Florida Evans from Good Times:


Gustavo Chacin hasn’t played since 2007, but was the subject of my favorite E. Spencer Kyte post of all time:


Mrs. Melysa Bortone pointed out that Derek Jeter (who allegedly gave Alba herpes) and Mariano Rivera also have feminine features.


Charlie Hatton: “I always thought Khalil Greene had real purdy hair.”


Jason Bay, Red Sox (Mr. Brad Bortone)


Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks (Townie)


Andrew McCutchen, Pirates (Townie)


Tim Lincecum, Giants (Townie, compared to K.D. Lang by Bare Down Sports — we believe Lincecum is on the right?)


Carlos Villanueva, Brewers (Tyler Maas: “Soft, high
pitched voice. Seeing him pitch these past few years….”)


Chris Shelton, Mariners — once described as having “The Ass Of A Chick That Just Gave Birth.”


Which naturally leads to Manny Ramirez of the Dodgers (picture borrowed from Highly Essential)


More cheapies:

Milton Bradley, Cubs (Townie: “Always PMSing)

Evan Longoria, Devil Rays (Tobin: Just for the name.)


Robin Ventura, retired (Townie)

Tobin: “Can’t forget A-Rod’s lipstick.”


And that’s all we could come up with over the weekend. Please leave your praise for our continuing excellence in investigative journalism and/or tell us who we missed in the comments.

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2 Responses to “MLB To Start Sex-Testing”
  1. xolager says:

    “Ben Johnson was stripped of his gold medal in Calgary”

    For what event? Nordic Combined? Luge? Curling? Super-G?

  2. dude abides says:

    If you think CMW looks anything like Jessica Alba, you have some serious problems. Really.

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