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May 7, 2009 at 1:07 am ET
5 Comments
Respekanize Troy Percival

percivalYou know it feels like I’m the only person in Devil Ray Town who has any faith in Troy Percival and it makes absolutely no sense to me.テつ Since Percy got here, the Devil Rays have lost just one game when he entered in a save situation.テつ Out of like 40 games.テつ Them’s pretty good odds.

But he still makes folks like Jason Collette, The Mayor Of Devil Ray Town Cork Gaines, and Rise of the Rays nervous.テつ Percival’s in the game in a save situation — 97% chance we’re gonna win, chill out.テつ And tonight’s game at The New Replica Old Dump In The Bronx was a perfect example of how clutch Percival can still be.テつ He ain’t gonna let a little monsoon bother him.テつ Maybe it’s not a masterpiece, but mission freakin’ accomplished.

Mayor Cork actually suggested Wednesday that Percival should be suspended.テつテつ I find that horribly, horribly offensive.

The Mayor’s reasoning:

With two outs in the ninth inning, Evan Longoria leaned into the stands to catch a foul ball that was ultimately caught by a fan sitting in the third row. ….

But what is absolutely inexcusable was the behavior of Percival. Several moments after the final out, Percival gestured toward the fan and yelled at least one obscenity in a fit of rage.

….it is downright unforgivable to scream obscenities at a fan who is standing with his young son.

Mr. Percival: You are an embarrassment. You havenテ「竄ャ邃「t done squat for this team in almost a year, so donテ「竄ャ邃「t think your hall-of-fame career has earned you any free passes with us. And last time we checked YOU have cost the Rays a hell of a lot more wins than that one fan.

I could not disagree more.テつ While, as far as I know, I haven’t been dumb enough to procreate yet, I do have a six-year-old niece who I love dearly.テつ I would have absolutely no problem with Troy Percival cursing at me in front of her if I took the final out away from the Devil Rays.テつ Hell if my niece got in Longoria’s way, he could curse at her too.

I mean how difficult it is it to explain to a six-year-old Daddy or Uncle Day-Day made a horrible, horrible mistake and that’s why the nice Hall-Of-Famer is calling him a Fucktard or Braindead Cunt or whatever other colorful terms Mr. Percival might have felt like saying.

Buying a ticket is a contract, and part of that contract should be understood as if you nearly cost the home team the game, the home team can call you a Fucktwat irregardless of how young the children are that you brought with you.テつ This isn’t fucking Lebanon.テつ You’re not allowed to use small children as human shields to help you avoid having to take responsibility for your fucktwat actions.

And that numbers argument is ridiculous.テつ Yes, in 60 Devil Ray appearances, Troy Percival has been the losing pitcher TWICE.テつ But the Devil Rays have also won 47 games Percival appeared in.テつ How many games did Mr. Fucktwat help the Devil Rays win?

So please Devil Ray Town — the next time you think about doubting or criticizing Troy Percival — DON’T.テつ Or like at least wait and see if we ever lose a second game when he comes in in a save situation.テつ And don’t act like fucking school marms just because a supremely talented athlete lets loose with a little profanity in the heat of battle.テつ If you don’t want to get cursed at — sit further back, or don’t interfere with our guys trying to catch the fucking ball.テつ Let’s not forget it’s Mr. Fucktwat with the six-year-old who’s the fucktwat.テつ Jesus.

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5 Responses to “Respekanize Troy Percival”
  1. Brett says:

    irregardless is a double negative

  2. Jeff says:

    If you were on my bus I would kick you off.

  3. Brett says:

    What bus?

  4. chris says:

    the mayor shouldn’t be reprimanding troy percival, he should be giving him the key to the fucking city. the fan in question is obviously a douchenozzle who thinks his “right” to a souvenir baseball trumps the greater good of the team winning the game. a perfect example of the typical self-obsessed, me-first-screw-everyone-else attitude exhibited by approximately 90% of the wal-mart-shopping, reality-tv-watching, gigantic-suv-driving, mcgriddle-eating slobs out there (also known as “americans”). there is really only one effective and proven technique for getting the attention of these jagoffs, and nudging them, every so gently, towards the shocking discovery that they are, in fact, not the most important thing on god’s green earth and encouraging them to adopt a mode of behavior that meets the bare minimum level of thought and consideration necessary for communal living – public shaming. more people should take mr. percival’s lead and say to a friend, loved one, or stranger on the street, “hey! stop being a complete fucking asshat!” for the purpose of shaking these oblivious dildos out of their waking comas of deluded self aggrandizement. maybe then there would be fewer miserable shitstains out there carrying on ridiculously loud cell phone conversations in cramped jiffy lube waiting rooms, leaving pubes on unflushed shared toilets, letting their dogs bark uncontrolled at all hours of the night, or repeatedly hitting others in the cock with a beer bottle while dancing at a concert. just a thought.

  5. Jon says:

    Hey dude, lay off the McGriddle. Shit is good.

    Is this guy also mad at Big Baby because some fucknut bought his 12 year old kid courtside seats in the playoffs (cheap ones I am sure…) only to have him not even paying attention to the game winning shot?

    I swear we’d all be better off if Florida broke off and floated off to join Haiti.

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