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October 8, 2008 at 2:52 am ET
47 Comments
The 2008 Red Sox As Bond Villains

From Gary Shelton of The St. Pete Times (via Deadspin):

Bring on the entire cast of Bond villains that is the Red Sox.

I know what you’re thinking. And faster than you can say “Muppet Part One, Muppet Part Two,” I’m on it….

In fact, I’ve got the entire Sox 25-man playoff roster, the manager and three bonus Sox. But we’ll start with….

The Supposed MVP Candidates:

Dustin Pedroia is NICK NACK from The Man With The Golden Gun



Kevin Youkilis is Ernst Stavro Blofeld from From Russia With Love and a lot more

The other big names:

Jonathan Papelbon is COL. JACQUES BOITIER from Thunderball

Terry Francona as FRANZ SANCHEZ (and Curt Schlling as FRANZ SANCHEZ’S IGUANA) from Licence To Kill

Jason Varitek is ROSA KLEBB from From Russia With Love

David Ortiz is DR. KANANGA/MR. BIG from Live And Let Die

Daisuke Matsuzaka & Hideki Okajima are ODDJOB from Goldfinger



(Like Oddjob, Dice-K and Okajima were very intimidating…. the first time we saw them. But Oddjob could throw his hat much more accurately.)

Josh Beckett is FRANCISCO SCARAMANGA from The Man With The Golden Gun

The rest of the probable starting lineup:

Mark Kotsay is HUGO DRAX from Moonraker


Jed Lowrie is MR. JONES from Dr. No


J.D. Drew is EMILIO LARGO from Thunderball


Jacoby Ellsbury is PRINCE KAMAL KHAN from Octopussy


Jason Bay is RED GRANT from From Russia With Love


The rest of the rotation:

Jon Lester is RENARD from The World Is Not Enough


Tim Wakefield is DR. NO from Dr. No


Paul Byrd is ARISTOTLE KRISTATOS from For Your Eyes Only


The rest of the bullpen:

Justin Masterson is MAX ZORIN from A View To A Kill


Manny Delcarmen is WHISPER from Live And Let Die


Javier Lopez is KRONSTEEN from From Russia With Love


The bench:

Coco Crisp is OCTOPUSSY from Octopussy


Sean Casey is JAWS from The Spy Who Love Me and Moonraker


Alex Cora is ELLIOT CARVER from Tomorrow Never Dies


Oh God! We can only pray James Bond can save us from the guy from those Infinity commercials in time….

Gil Velazquez, David Ross and Kevin Cash are THE THREE BLIND MICE from Dr. No


Not on the roster:

Mike Lowell is KARL STROMBERG from The Spy Who Loved Me


Mike Timlin is AURIC GOLDFINGER from Goldfinger


Wait a minute…. all these movies end the same, don’t they?

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47 Responses to “The 2008 Red Sox As Bond Villains”
  1. X-Factor says:

    BRILLIANT!

  2. Jeff says:

    Chalk,

    I have to hand it to you on this one. It looks like you finally put some time and effort into one of your posts.

  3. Keehno says:

    This is a complete fabrication. Nack Nack is actually taller than Dustin Pedroia.

  4. Pip says:

    What’s more lame? Bond villains or using them for a blog-gag? There are better, more modern rogues galleries to choose from.

    And no one does this for the Rays because half the team is unknown and the other half will be on different rosters 2 years from now. In other words nobody cares about the Rays.

  5. Jeff says:

    “nobody cares about the Rays.” Yes but some people do care about watching them lose to the Red Sox. Can’t wait to see them crying in the dugout like a bunch of bitches.

  6. AF says:

    This is not good at all. It is actually embarrassingly bad.

  7. del says:

    yeah, would agree that this is not good, and pretty lame.

  8. Lonnie Marue says:

    This would be funnier if you actually explained why the player is related to the Bond villain. As a Boston fan, I can say that I thoroughly enjoy posts like this because non-Sox fans are so bitter that they’ll waste at least an hour putting together something stupid like this.

  9. Lonnie Marue says:

    Oh, and I forgot to mention, you’re a moron

  10. jody rope says:

    …vaguely racist (asian=oddjob, duh) but, more importantly, not even vaguely funny. Bay as Walken in “A View to a Kill” would be funny.

  11. frank says:

    Wow… The Rays actually have a following? Big enough to blog too? It only took getting to the playoffs to finally sell out a game that wasn’t half Sox or Yankees fans. Apparently being the best team all year wasn’t enough to get your lazy a** off the couch and go to a game during the summer. You don’t deserve a team, let alone a new stadium.

  12. tim says:

    Uh… all you did was put a bunch of pictures side by side. The majority of these don’t even make sense, unless all you’re trying to say is “There are almost as many Bond villains as players on the Sox’ roster.” You don’t even provide any rationalization.

  13. doug says:

    Yeah, Okajima and Dice-K are Asian, so, clearly they’re odd job… racist idiot

  14. Mr Moore says:

    It seems like you are more of a roger moore bond fan with all the villain references from his films. But don’t you think Ortiz is more like Tee Hee, the guy with the claw, because everyone puts the shift on him?

    And, for the record I think Pedro Martinez is Baron Samedi (or maybe Dr. Evil with his little Mini-Me).

  15. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    I’m sorry if anyone was offended by Matsuzaka and Okajima as Oddjob. My thought was that Oddjob throws his hat, they throw pitches (and have control problems).

    As for the rest, part of the fun is you can write your own jokes and disagree.

    And yes, Roger Moore is awesome.

  16. celtic33 says:

    What about the Dodgers who are essentially Red Sox West?

  17. T says:

    This took no thought at all. You just put pictures of players next to random bond villains. You really should have your blogging license takin away.

    This was terrible and you should be fired.

    I am a Yankee fan and thought this sucked!

  18. Steve says:

    WEAK! Sox in 4!!! That is such fabricated trash, Im surprised you spent so much time on it. I mean really, do you think you will actually see half those players…we wont need them to whip your tails back to the Sunshine state with the rest of those waiting to die. This series will be easier than last years. Dodgers/RedSox with the RedSox in 5 games.

    Red Sox Red Sox
    GO GO RED SOX

  19. Steve says:

    I have to agree with Frank. I remember watching some games on broadcast and the announcers keep talking about the empty seats.

    New Stadium? I dont think so. Tropicana cant hold their sponsorship of anything past one year. They sponsored Chicagoland Speedway for one year and bounced out with no reasoning and mounting bills left unpaid.

    Stay home and watch it, lest anyone see you cry.

  20. Tony says:

    Wow, after reading all of your comments, I finally realized that Red Sox fans are as bad as Yankee fans, actually worse cause you claim to be better than them. What a shame, you all were tolerable when they hadn’t won anything in 80-some odd years.

  21. Terrible. says:

    Can I have the last 2 minutes of my life back please?

    Aimlessly comparing Sox players to Bond villians… brutal. If you need to do this to feel confident as a Rays fan, I pity you.

  22. pyzerplan says:

    How dare you taint Robert Shaw’s legacy by making a comparison that makes no sense. Putting pictures of Bond villains side-by-side with Red Sox players when there is no link whatsoever = not funny.

  23. Will says:

    I guess there are two scenarios here:
    1. I don’t get it.
    2. There is nothing to get. Was I supposed to say, “OF COURSE!! David Ortiz and Mr. Big both have dark skin!!! Brilliant.”

  24. Poisonporkchop says:

    Not only is it not funny, but it’s almost as if the author made some superhuman effort to be as entirely unoriginal as possible.

    A quick clip from the board room during the “brainstorming” for this one:

    “Hey, how about this? Let’s make the one with the really dark skin the Yaphet Kotto character… that’s freakin’ gold!”

    “Oh, man… perfect, and we’ll make the two with the slant-eyes Oddjob…”

    “Dude… sweet”

  25. ray blows says:

    dumbest thing i have ever read

  26. redsox 2008 says:

    i think chalk is the only rays fan because the rays paid him too

  27. Coolio says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!111111
    …oh wait. It’s not. Nice try, I guess. You basically took a bunch of pictures and put them next to each other. High-larious.

  28. dc says:

    wow this was a horrible and pathetic waste of time. not one of these comparisons have any kind of resemblance.

  29. Christopher says:

    Wow that was idiotic. Whoever wrote this sucks almost as much as the DEVIL Rays.

  30. C. Murphy says:

    Remarkable that none of them look anything like their counterparts.

    Except for the Asians. They do look like Asians.

  31. Mike p says:

    stupidest thing I have ever seen.
    your about as clever as a rock.

  32. pussygalore says:

    Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to actually have a picture of Donald Pleasance as Blofeld next to Youkilis, you know, because of the whole bald thing and…ah, screw it. It’s easier to just say this post sucks.

  33. Kward says:

    Wow seeing that those comparisons are terrible and don’t even make sense, I’m glad to see the Rays can’t even fill half of their stadium with barley over 21,000 as an average game(and that’s only because of the sox and yankees in town). If that took you over 20 minutes, you should take a seat and think about your life. Cliff Floyd can predict whatever the hell he wants. He is a .280 hitter that chokes. Watch out for column coming soon…Gary Shelton as Raymond Babbit from “Rain Man.”

  34. Greg in Dallas says:

    I don’t get it. I don’t see the resemblances in any of these people. This appears to be just random photos put next to each other.

  35. ieatraysforbreakfast says:

    Things started out pretty well with Pedroia as Nick Nack, but everything else was pretty lame from there. How did you match them up? Looks? The role they play? Nothing else made sense.

  36. DumbBlog says:

    You need a life.

    How is Tampa the good guy? You think it is okay to steal free money (Steinbrenner pays for this team with his luxary tax)and not pay your players? To suck for ten years on purpose because you refuse to spend any money while taking money from the luxary tax?
    Please. Tampa is everything wrong with baseball

  37. Somebody had a little too much time on their hands. If this is the way you get your team and fans riled up for this coming series why not just mail it in and toss in the white flag. That has to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen this season.

  38. SoxFarmer says:

    Rather sad that you took so much time to put something together that is so damned lame. I’d be willing to laugh at it if it were remotely incisive or funny, but unfortunately it smacks of dorks putting out a joke issue of their 8th grade newspaper. And it is a direct steal of the late great SPY magazine’s ‘Separated at Birth’ series. Only they did it about 15 years ago and about 1000 times better. Stick to your day job, loser.

  39. SoxFarmer says:

    Oh, and the racist aspect is nice too. Are your Klan robes out at the cleaners right now?

  40. SoxFarmer says:

    Regarding the positive comments in posts 1 and 2, X-Factor has a few too many Y-chromosomes and Jeff’s real name is Jethro.

  41. Rhymeister says:

    LOL, but Coco Crisp is DEFINITELY NOT Octopussy, hah hah hah.

  42. meech.one says:

    Holy fuck! are you Red Sox fans intolerably sensitive.

    No wonder everybody hates you guys now.

  43. Dave says:

    This is piss-poor. No explanation for why players villains were chosen, and the black guy and asian guys were picked solely because they are black and asian. You could have thrown darts at a dart board and done the same thing.

  44. SoxFarmer says:

    meech.one: we aren’t sensitive, we just recognize lame ideas and insipid, juvenile humor when we see it. Make it truly funny and we will laugh, whether it’s at our expense or not. By the way, your f-bomb and broad-brush hate statement brand you as the nitwit that you obviously are. Think about this when you’re mopping up at the 7-Eleven today. Moron.

  45. David says:

    This was a very lazy exercise. Not even an explanation. For the first two seconds after you had the idea to do this, it probably seemed good. But if you’d spent any more time thinking about it, I think you would’ve quickly realized it doesn’t work.

    I love stuff like this, and even as a Sox fan would have given you kudos if it had been well done. It’s not.

    I agree with some others on here though that a lot of my fellow Sox fans are sounding a lot like Yankee fans. Act like you’ve been there before, people.

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