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November 20, 2008 at 2:35 am ET
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These Sportsmen Ain’t S#!t #1: Tiger Woods, The Boston Celtics, Central Washington Softball, Bernard Hopkins, and Nnamdi Asomugha

These Sportsment Ain't S#!t

I certainly hope y’all aren’t sick of award talk yet because there’s still one biggie out there….

Jon Heyman has nominated Devil Rays manager Joe Maddon for Sports Illustrated’s 2008 Sportsman Of The Year. I trust that by now all of our readers know the many, many reasons why Joe Maddon would be the most deserving recipient of this award — EVER. But I thought it would be fun and in character to take a look at the other nominees and demonstrate objectively and conclusively that….

All the other nominees AIN’T S#!T COMPARED TO JOE MADDON….

TIGER WOODS

Chris Ballard’s case: “The world learned at the Open last June that 70 percent of Tiger Woods is better than 100 percent of any other golfer. It was one of those performances that transcends the sport, up there in the annals of gimpy greatness with MJ‘s flu-ridden Game 6 and Gibson‘s limp-legged homer. Hell, I don’t even like golf and I was transfixed. …. What seals the deal is the great, roaring vacuum that his departure created in the world of golf.”

Why TIGER WOODS ain’t s#!t: Huge shocker: Tiger won a major. He played hurt once — in a “sport” where playing hurt means a lot of walking. Gibson’s home run was famous because it was a huge upset, he hit it off a dominant closer, and he wasn’t anything close to the most dominant player in the sport. MJ is a much better example, a dominant player who’s expected to win all the time but is too much of a coward to take a political stand on anything ever. Golf is boring with or without Tiger. Tiger winning a major, even if he was a little banged up, is nothing out of the ordinary, certainly nothing on par with winning the AL East a year after winning only 66 games.

THE BOSTON CELTICS

Ian Thomsen’s case: “The 2007-08 Celtics are my Sportsmen of the Year because they embraced the least respected and most valuable quality of NBA millionaires: humility. Each sought to play not for himself but for the team. This has become such an empty cliché in pro sports that it needs repeating — Garnett, Pierce and Allen each pursued an agenda that reduced their individual stats on the faith that it would help the team. The scoring numbers of each star plummeted with no guarantee that they would win. They had no reason to believe that their selflessness would pay off, because none of them had ever been part of anything greater than himself.”

Why THE BOSTON CELTICS ain’t s#!t: Horseshit. They had no reason to believe their supposed selflessness would pay off? How about they all realized how lucky they were to be on the same team because of some freakish trades? How about they realized they practically had a bye to the Finals because the Eastern Conference was so shitty? Just because Pierce and Garnett — overrated Ray Allen doesn’t really belong in the conversation — had never played on a really good team doesn’t mean they weren’t familiar with the concept that if you have multiple good players on the same team everybody makes sacrifices. How is this Celtics team’s sacrifices for the team any different from just about any other NBA championship team? The Celtics are a dime a dozen example of a team that did a pretty good job of taking advantage of a very advantageous situation. Joe Maddon took an extremely disadvantageous situation and made it magic. That’s a sportsman. Not some team of veteran All-Stars that got a bye to the Finals.

CENTRAL WASHINGTON SOFTBALL PLAYERS

Michael Farber’s case: “two remarkable women who carried someone else, restoring faith not only in sport but in human nature…. The names of Holtman and Wallace have faded, but their act of uncommon grace and exemplary sportsmanship should live forever.”

Why CENTRAL WASHINGTON SOFTBALL PLAYERS ain’t s#!t: Jesus Christ. Restoring faith in human nature? They did their mitzvah for the year. I helped an old lady across the street once. I don’t expect to be named Sportsman Of The Year for it, but it was probably as much of a sporting event as a Division II softball game.

BERNARD HOPKINS

Richard Hoffer’s case: “At 43, Hopkins delivered a decisive defeat to a man 17 years his junior, who had been annointed boxing’s next big thing before he met Hopkins.”

Why BERNARD HOPKINS ain’t s#!t: Boxing’s next big thing? Boxing ain’t had a big thing since Tyson. Hopkins ain’t the first fighter over 40 to win a fight. You gonna tell me one non-title fight against an overhyped kid who was moving up in weight is enough to be Sportsman Of The Year? Get the fuck out of here.

NNAMDI ASOMUGHA

Jim Trotter’s case: “In each of the last three years Asomugha has taken six high schoolers on cultural and educational tours to parts of the country they might not have otherwise been able to see in person.”

Why NNAMDI ASOMUGHA ain’t s#!t: You know Joe Maddon does humanitarian shit too. He cooks dinner for the homeless. Here’s pictures. But you know what else? Joe Maddon is good at FUCKING SPORTS! Do any of you even know who this Asomugha is? SI calls him “one of the top defensive players in the NFL today,” but he plays for the Raiders and I ain’t never heard of him. Since he’s spent his entire six-year career in Oakland, Asomugha’s never been on a team that won more than FIVE games in a season. He has won all of TWENTY-ONE GAMES as a professional athlete. Joe Maddon’s Devil Rays won 21 games in the month of August.

***

Coming soon to Your Sportsmen Ain’t S#!t Compared To Joe Maddon….

On Deck: #2 CC Sabathia, Hope Solo, Abhinav Bindra, Fresno State Baseball, Joey Cheek

In The Hole: #3 Barack Obama, Brian McBride, Jimmie Johnson, Anderson Silva, Padraig Harrington

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One Response to “These Sportsmen Ain’t S#!t #1: Tiger Woods, The Boston Celtics, Central Washington Softball, Bernard Hopkins, and Nnamdi Asomugha”
  1. Steve says:

    “B.J. Upton Always Dreamed Of Winning Game 2 Of ALCS With Shallow Sac Fly”

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