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September 10, 2008 at 12:04 am ET
We Came

What up, Rosie and Dirty? Bet y’all were feeling pretty darn confident when Bay cleared the Monster to put y’all up 4-3 in the 8th, weren’t cha now?

But, surprise, surprise, our beloved Tampa Bay Devil Rays will leave Boston tomorrow exactly the way they came in, and as they have been for the entire second half, firmly atop your American League East standings.

How appropriate that the final out was made by that little bitch Coco “Chanel” Crisp.

And how fitting that the loss and the blown save goes to your closer whose mouth writes checks his ass can’t cash.

So what are we chalking up Pap’s blown save and loss to? Pitching three days in a row? Was it dumb for Francona to bring him in in the 8th last night? Or was it Ortiz and Pedroia showing the media the video of their closer IN DRAG before the game? Can you get pissed at him for blowing a save? He’s just a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world!

What we learned tonight was that these two teams will very likely meet again when it really counts in the ALCS. And our Devil Rays can win at Fenway Park, and no one in the Red Sox bullpen can get the job done against our hellish offense.

I had a good feeling once we had the bases loaded in the 3rd inning with nobody out. Because our bats and our whole fucking team was due. Very, very due.

Our fearless leader, “Coach Joe” Maddon — who’s a million fucking times better and cooler than that Tito Francona — said something after the previous night’s loss, and it really felt true — our Devil Rays had been playing well, they just hadn’t been hitting, and prophetically he said, “that will come.” Practically right out of Hamlet, that:

There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all. (V.ii.208-211)

Fucking came it did. Boy did it come. It came all over your Barbie Girl closer.

We were due. Our Devil Rays are an unstoppable force. Once it’s coming, you can’t stop it. And it’s practically always coming, like a white-hot volcano of coming.

You can doubt us if you wish, but you will be rolled over and you will have white, egg-like stuff all over your face, because we are fucking unstoppable, so you might as well be ready for our coming.

Because come we shall.

Our Devil Rays will make the playoffs, we may not win the division and we’ll be slightly less scary without home-field advantage, but we will be scary nonetheless. You might get lucky and run into us when our bats dry up, but chances are, we’ll be healthy again and we’ll fuck you up good. And again, you will be left wiping wet, salty stuff off your face.

Certainly Papi only came in as a pinch-hitter today, but our Devil Rays were without three of our best four hitters. And we still got it done.

I had a good feeling about Dan Johnson in his first game as a Devil Ray when I saw he was in the lineup. All he did was lead off the 9th by tying the game going yard on Cinco Ocho/Senorita Barbie. And then that other kid, Fernando Perez, who’s been up for a week or less doubled off the Monster.

There is a magic, very possibly a dark magic, that is propelling anyone in a Devil Rays uniform to greatness.

Join us, or be afraid, be very fucking afraid. And have a towel handy to wipe your face.

And if anybody’s worth a curse it’s that Jason Bay character. That dude ain’t a real Red Sock, there’s got to be a taint in being the guy that replaces Manny. Have fun rooting for him and Kotsay and Byrd and the rest of these rent-a-Sox. Maybe you’ll win, but maybe you won’t. And maybe you’ll need that towel.

We won’t know until we very likely meet in the ALCS. I don’t see the Angels and their three-week layoff, or whoever comes out of the Central stopping either of us.

Sweet dreams, motherfuckers. See you next month.

19 = Regular Season Games Remaining for our beloved Tampa Bay Devil Rays. (7 Home, 12 Away)

18 = Magic Number For Our First AL East Championship (1.5 game lead on Boston; 12 Home, 6 Away)

11 = Magic Number to clinch Our First Trip To The Postseason (virtual 9 game lead in the loss column since Minnesota and Chicago play three more times, the AL Central #2 is guaranteed 66 losses; CWS: 8H/10A MIN: 8H/10A)

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2 Responses to “We Came”
  1. Steve says:

    Is this a joke? I’m not real familiar with the site– is the author of this serious? If so, good lord…….

  2. Saint says:

    He’s been watching the Devil Rays for years. That’ll melt a brain. And he knows, obviously, that the load is shot. This is sort of like Beavis as “Cornholio”: “Are You Threatening Me?”

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