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February 24, 2009 at 7:59 am ET
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Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #1 The Padres

Until February 2008, there was a vacuous void when it came to objective MLB team season previews and Devil Rays information on the internets. And then there wasn’t….

Because there was Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays — steamrolling its way through MLB’s other 29 lesser franchises, raising eyebrows, indignation, and the ire of less fortunate, less visionary fans. And it was, of course, breathtakingly accurate.

The 2009 Edition of Your Team Ain’t S#!t, like the 2009 Devil Rays, ain’t gonna sneak up on anybody. But it will continue our proud tradition of truth, excellence, accuracy, and awesomeness.

So please join us for this six week’s journey as we ready ourselves for the 2009 season, which is sure to be the greatest in the glorious history of the Devil Rays….

Working backwards through the final Bugs & Cranks Top 30 rankings, we begin with The San Diego Padres….

Argument #1. Devil Rays biggest offseason addition: Pat Burrell. Padres biggest offseason addition: david eckstein.

Argument #2. The super obvious one: the worst team in baseball’s worst division ain’t shit compared to the best team in baseball’s best division.

I’m not the only one who thinks that our AAA team could compete in the NL West.

Argument #3. The offseason misbehavior drama argument.

The Devil Rays didn’t have any. They got married, they vacationed in Europe, then went to golf tournaments.

The Padres did.

There was Matt Bush, who the Padres selected with the first overall pick in the 2004 draft:

A witness… said Bush was drunk, threw a golf club into the dirt, picked up and threw a freshman lacrosse player and hit another one. Bush also yelled “I’m Matt (expletive) Bush,” and “(expletive) East County,” before driving over a curb in his Mercedes when leaving the campus, according to the witness.

Bush was promptly deported to Toronto for a PTBN (possibly journeyman Cassius Considerations).

And there’s Brian Giles. From ShysterBall:

Brian Giles has now countersued his former girlfriend — the one who claims he battered her — alleging that she abused him….

“He also seeks the return of a diamond engagement ring he said he gave to her on Christmas Eve 2005 that is valued at $107,952.”

Brian, according to the clearly unbiased people at DeBeers, the guidelines for an engagement ring is two months salary. You made $8.33 million in 2005, which means that you should have laid out something on the order of $694,000 for that ring, you miserable cheapskate.

Argument #4. Tony Gwynn was probably on steroids.

Bugs & Cranks is investigating and nearing conclusive evidence of Gwynn’s steroid use. Don’t be shocked when you see it here sometime soon.  Hell, even the best Padres blog Gaslamp Ball is suspicious.

Argument #5. Pitching stupid.

Five Devil Rays starters won 11 or more games last year. Overrated Jake Peavy led the Padres with 10 wins. Oh and Peavy says he’s “dang glad to be a San Diego Padre.” So, he’s either a liar or a complete fucktard.  Also, their second best pitcher is fat and unattractive: Dex from Gaslamp Ball notes that Chris Young has “spectacularly large hips for men.” (Best thing I’ve read since Mrs. Professor’s expert analysis of Chris Shelton’s ass.)

Argument #6. And speaking of fucktards and giant asses….

The Padres other big offseason acquisition was former Devil Rays great Cliff “Dr. Huxtable” Floyd.  But why sign the best DH in baseball when you’re an NL team that will only need a DH for like nine regular season games?  Could you not coax Harold Baines out of retirement?  Maria Sharapova also tells me that picking up a $9 million option on Brian Giles for 2009 was a pretty fucktard move.

Argument #7. It only took us 11 years, bitches.

Our first division title and our first pennant came in season 11.  San Diego needed 16.

Argument #8. Pitching’s all they’ve ever had. (Especially if we don’t count Ken Caminiti and Tony Gwynn because of the steroids.)

In last year’s Padres Ain’t S#!t, we quoted B&C’s Herija Green since he did such a good job of breaking down how shitty his team was. The short short version was:

….year in and year out the Padres seem willing to trot out what amounts to the exact same squad, one deep in pitching talent yet saddled with an everyday lineup so porous that some Double-A teams would scoff at it.

We can probably just keep rolling out that quote forever.  But Mr. Green keeps on rolling out the fun quotes:

Now theoretically the arrival of a new season would be enough to lessen the stench of last year’s 63-99 suck fest… but not this time. In fact, I’m having a hard time envisioning a scenario in which the Pads don’t drop 100-plus games in 2009 that doesn’t involve multiple new strains of the bubonic plague infecting the rest of the National League….

Now and always, the Padres ain’t shit compared to our beloved Devil Rays.

We’ll prove it head-to-head only if the Padres somehow make it to the World Series.

Padres fan comment on last year’s Padres Ain’t S#!t: “Herija Green might write like a Dodgers fan, but at least we have a team worth watching.”

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

On Deck: #2 The Washington Nationals

In The Hole: #3 The Seattle Mariners

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4 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #1 The Padres”
  1. Your Rays ain’t shit!
    /Phillies’d

    Don’t take it personally, Chalk; but take this persoanlly.

    ECW’s the Sandman > WWF’s Brian Knobbs

  2. And don’t take my grammar literally. It’s past 10, the keys are mixing together.

  3. sweez says:

    I love the Rays. But keep in mind it’s the RAYS. not Devil Rays. not D-Rays. say it. THE RAYS. did you not get the memo? Last year Maddon fined people each time they used the Devil and I think you’ve racked up a bill here. Times Have Changed. The Rays.

  4. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Fuck change. Especially stupid change. They will ALWAYS be the Devil Rays.

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