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March 24, 2009 at 6:21 am ET
Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #21 The Brewers

Until February 2008, there was a vacuous void when it came to objective MLB team season previews and Devil Rays information on the internets. And then there wasn’t….

There was Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays. The 2009 Edition of Your Team Ain’t S#!t continues our proud tradition of truth and awesomeness as over six weeks we prove concisely and conclusively why each of the other 29 teams remain vastly inferior to our beloved Devil Rays.

Working backwards through the final Bugs & Cranks Top 30 rankings, we continue with The Milwaukee Brewers….

Argument #1. The Rays Party gives us The Closer Argument:

Brewers get closers that are too old or too blown up. Hoffman is hurt now because he is 40+, Gagne is gone because he sucked half the year before. Percival and Isringhausen are not too old and they are still good.

Argument #2. You realize C.C. Sabathia ain’t in Milwaukee no more right?

After mortgaging their future for Captain Cheeseburger, the Brewers were 27-29 in games he didn’t pitch in.

Argument #3. Mike Cameron is a s#!tty old drunk and B.J. Upton is a million times better centerfielder.

However, B&C’s Tyler Maas tells me “Cameron plays the best centerfield of any active MLB player that slightly resembles British pop star Seal. Nick Swisher is No. 2 on that list.”

Argument #4. Corey Hart is “a first-class dickface” who “looks like an Ewok.” (per Mr. Maas)

Argument #5. 11 Years, Bitches.

The Devil Rays made their first World Series appearance in their 11th season. The Brewers didn’t make a World Series until their 14th season.  Fucking losers.

Now and always, the Brewers ain’t shit compared to our beloved Devil Rays.

We’ll prove it head-to-head only if the Brewers somehow fluke their way to the World Series.

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

On Deck: #22 The Toronto Blue Jays

In The Hole: #23 The New York Yankees

Previously on Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

#1 The San Diego Padres
#2 The Washington Nationals
#3 The Seattle Mariners
#4 The Colorado Rockies
#5 The San Francisco Giants
#6 The Pittsburgh Pirates (w/ Special Guest S#!tter Tampa Bay Sports Blog’s Scott Brannelly)
#7 The Atlanta Braves
BONUS Puerto Rico
#8 The Baltimore Orioles
#9 The Cincinnati Reds
#10 The Arizona Diamondbacks
#11 The Detroit Tigers
#12 The Kansas City Royals
#13 The Oakland Athletics
#14 The Texas Rangers
#15 The St. Louis Cardinals
#16 The Cleveland AL Franchise
#17 The Florida Marlins
#18 The Los Angeles Dodgers
#19 The Houston Astros
#20 The New York Mets

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2 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #21 The Brewers”
  1. Cnute says:

    Chalk, you are the worst writer on this site. Yet you crap out a poorly thought-out pile of excrement like this 2-3 times a day, rendering what was once a regularly visited site an unreadable mound of fan boy sycophantism. Hopefully, Rays management knows you sneak into their clubhouse after games to sniff jocks and lick the ball-sweat from Evan Longoria’s protective cup. To have avoided detection thus far is truly commendable, considering it must take all the self control you can muster to not moan in ecstasy whilst hiding in the team laundry hamper and furiously masturbating to the sounds of your beloved Rays showering. In closing, please stop writing so many posts. The sheer volume is straining your already negligible talent and thinning your reserves of creativity. In trying to come up with something on every team in each league, you have really come away with nothing. Go ahead, re-read this excrement you wrote. It is simply awful and it does the regular readers of Bugs & Cranks like me a disservice. Slow down; craft a good post, maybe just one a day, or even every other day. Your readers will thank me for it.

  2. Autumn says:

    I have to agree. An otherwise great site is being polluted daily by a large quantity of drivel from this writer. I used to come here several times a day and now it’s just a couple times a week because I’m tired of skipping past his posts to look for the good stuff. I don’t like being so harsh, but it is an insult to the readership. I can’t figure out why it’s being allowed to continue…either he is in charge of the site or has something really good on the editor.

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