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March 31, 2009 at 6:26 am ET
Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #26 The Cubs

Until February 2008, there was a vacuous void when it came to objective MLB team season previews and Devil Rays information on the internets. And then there wasn’t….

There was Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays. The 2009 Edition of Your Team Ain’t S#!t continues our proud tradition of truth and awesomeness as over six weeks we prove concisely and conclusively why each of the other 29 teams remain vastly inferior to our beloved Devil Rays.

Working backwards through the final Bugs & Cranks Top 30 rankings, we continue with The Chicago Cubs….

Argument #1. Iwamura > Fukudome.

B&C’s original Cubs writer Adam Godson noted the unfortunate side affect of the Cubs one big free agent signing: “Milton Bradley’s presence will force Fukudome to CF where he’s more lost than Mike Piazza in a strip club.”

Argument #2. Milton Bradley = Loveable Loser With Delusions Of Grandeur

Look I like Milton Bradley, and if he can field okay he might be the second-best hitter in the s#!tty National League. But peep this quote Shysterball’s got:

Milton Bradley, commenting on how so many experts are picking the Cubs to win the NL Central:

“They should. I’m here. I’m a winner. When I went to the Dodgers, after they hadn’t been to the postseason since ’88, they went to the postseason. I went to the A’s in 2006. We weren’t supposed to do anything, and we went to the ALCS. I was with San Diego. We were one win away from making the postseason, and I got hurt. Everywhere I go, people win. It’s not a surprise.”

What kind of “winner” has never in his entire career been on a team that won even a single game in an LCS?

Argument #3. So you’ve basically got a free pass to the playoffs since you play in the NL Central. What good does it do you if you’re gonna be historically choketastic?

Fun historical fact from Joe Distelheim on The Hardball Times: “Never before, in all the century-plus history of the modern National League, has a team gone to the postseason two years in a row and failed to win a game.”

Argument #4. Making fun of the Cubs is like making fun of cripples. It’s fun but not THAT fun. Luckily B&C’s Tyler Maas is willing to overlook that to provide the following:

  • Kevin “the poor man’s Troy Percival” Gregg is their closer
  • Ryne Sandberg‘s big horse teeth
  • Ernie Banks‘ desparate clinging to the past (and stupid phrases he coined in the past)
  • the fact their 98% casual fan base religiously drinks Old Style, which is made – but never consumed – in Wisconsin
  • The racist “Horry Kow” shirt

Argument #5. If Lou Piniella’s such a good manager why’d the Devil Rays fire him? And why couldn’t he take the Devil Rays to the World Series? Or the Mariners? Or the Cubs?

Argument #6. 11 Years, Bitches.

The Devil Rays made their first World Series appearance in their 11th season. The Cubs didn’t make a World Series until their 34th season.

Now and always, the Cubs ain’t shit compared to our beloved Devil Rays.

We’ll prove it head-to-head only if the Cubs somehow win not just a single postseason game, but seven of them in the same year.

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

On Deck: #27 The Boston Red Sox

In The Hole: #28 The Los Angeles Angels

Previously on Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

#1 The San Diego Padres
#2 The Washington Nationals
#3 The Seattle Mariners
#4 The Colorado Rockies
#5 The San Francisco Giants
#6 The Pittsburgh Pirates (w/ Special Guest S#!tter Tampa Bay Sports Blog’s Scott Brannelly)
#7 The Atlanta Braves
BONUS Puerto Rico
#8 The Baltimore Orioles
#9 The Cincinnati Reds
#10 The Arizona Diamondbacks
#11 The Detroit Tigers
#12 The Kansas City Royals
#13 The Oakland Athletics
#14 The Texas Rangers
#15 The St. Louis Cardinals
#16 The Cleveland AL Franchise
#17 The Florida Marlins
#18 The Los Angeles Dodgers
#19 The Houston Astros
#20 The New York Mets
#21 The Milwaukee Brewers
#22 The Toronto Blue Jays
#23 The New York Yankees
#24 The Minnesota Twins
#25 The Chicago White Sox

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4 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #26 The Cubs”
  1. Brian says:

    That 11 years stat always seems a little odd when applied to teams that formed before the World series began. The Cubs were champions of the league in six of their first ten years of existence. They also played made it to the World Series four times from 1903 to 1910, winning twice.

    Doesn’t mean they don’t suck now, it’s just a strange stat to cherry-pick for a team that defined early blooming like the Cubs.

  2. dude abides says:

    Actuallly, the reason the Rays asked Piniella to step down was that he was openly critical of the Rays front office for not increasing payroll quickly enough to field a competitive team. Which is best demonstrated by the fact the the Rays has the worst record in modern baseball history.

    Oh, and Lou managed a World Series winner in only his 4th year of coaching, whereas Madden still does not have a ring after 5 year. Or as Chalk would say, 4 Years, B#&$hes

  3. jsess says:

    1. It’s MaddOn
    2. He hasn’t managed for 5 years, this will be his 4th year

  4. Bob says:

    Actually this will be MaddOn’s 6th year managing, just not all with the Rays.

    1996 AL West Califrna 41 22 8 14 .364 4
    1999 AL West Anaheim 44 29 19 10 .655 4
    2006 AL East TampaBay 51 162 61 101 .377 5
    2007 AL East TampaBay 52 162 66 96 .407 5
    2008 AL East TampaBay 53 162 97 65 .599 AL 1

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