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March 6, 2009 at 6:09 am ET
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Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #9 The Reds

Until February 2008, there was a vacuous void when it came to objective MLB team season previews and Devil Rays information on the internets. And then there wasn’t….

There was Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays. The 2009 Edition of Your Team Ain’t S#!t continues our proud tradition of truth and awesomeness as over six weeks we prove concisely and conclusively why each of the other 29 teams remain vastly inferior to our beloved Devil Rays.

Working backwards through the final Bugs & Cranks Top 30 rankings, we continue with The Cincinnati Reds….

Argument #1. The Does Your Season Depend On Willie Taveras Test.

I was checking out the live blog Diamond Hoggers Dot Com had of the Devil Rays-Reds spring opener, and this was by far my favorite comment from the Red faithful:

konholeyo: pretty excited this year feel as though we are going to see a different brand off baseball unfortunately i think our success depends on which Willy taveras shows up this year

Hysterical, right? Almost as funny as Dusty Baker letting his ace Edinson Volquez start and go like 8 innings to try and outduel the Devil Rays starter who spent all of last season at Single-A Vero Beach.

Argument #2. I’m guessing Reds fans won’t be as vociferous and overconfident as they were last year.

Following the lead of my friend Aaron Shinsano of East Windup Chronicle, Reds Ain’t S#!t 2008 got more comments than any other. Since neither Shinsano nor his comment army have acknowledged how wrong they were, let’s revisit Shinsano’s opening comment:

You wouldn’t take Longoria over Jay Bruce if you took the time to take that Devil Rays hat you’re wearing out of Coach Maddon’s duff. You might not take him over Johnny Cueto either. Tell me you’d take Iwamura over Brandon Phillips at second. Just say it. You can’t even take Upton over Phillips, just like you can’t take Pena over Dunn (if he moved to first like he should). And Harang …. might even be better that Kazmir + arm.”

Jay Bruce and Johnny Cueto were not voted to the All-Star Game, were not voted Unanimous AL Rookie of the Year, and did not hit a shitton of home runs in the ALCS. Evan Longoria did. Upton hit way more home runs in the ALCS than Phillips did. Carlos Pena, lots more ALCS home runs than Dunn too. And nothing says Dunn is awesome like only the Nationals wanted him. Akinori Iwamura should’ve won a Gold Glove. Nor did I ever have a joke about Aki taking pinyatta swings, like TheNarturalMevs at Diamond Hoggers had about Brandon Phillips to help him cope with how crappy Phillips was last season. Oh, and Harang didn’t win the All-Star Game and a playoff game, did he? Nope, that was Scott Kazmir. I might close with a comment about your head, your hat and Dusty Baker’s — but I won’t, because I’m nice.

Argument #3. This is probably overkill, but who wants to compare rotations?

The Devil Rays have a stacked rotation obviously. The Reds have to hope Volquez doesn’t turn into Fausto Carmona or Francisco Liriano, and that the rest of their rotation doesn’t continue to be complete shit. Don’t just take my word for it, there’s Ace of Bleacher Nation who writes this in his neatly titled Why the 2009 Reds Suck:

Aaron Harang is no longer the great and under appreciated pitcher he once was, and Bronson Arroyo is incredibly hit or miss. His hair is beautiful, though.

mikeychx of Sparty & Friends writes:

Harang, Cueto, and Arroyo had ERAs north of 4.70 last year. The lone stud, Edinson Volquez can’t pitch everyday. The other four starters no longer have the luxury of Adam Dunn hitting HR’s to bail them out. Arroyo and Cueto averaged less than 6 innings per start and Aaron Harang managed just over 6. Micha Owings is a better bat than he is a pitcher, but it’s what the Reds are stuck with unless Homer Bailey lives up to the hype.

Sox1Fan.com points out that while Arroyo is wicked consistent and has beautiful hair, Volquez’s “ERA more than doubled after the all-star break… that development begs the question: did he tire or did National League hitters figure him out?”

Argument #4. It only took us 11 years, bitches!

The Devil Rays made their first World Series appearance in their 11th season. The Reds didn’t make a World Series until their 38th season.

Now and always, the Reds ain’t shit compared to our beloved Devil Rays.

We’ll prove it head-to-head only if by some miracle the Reds make the World Series.

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

On Deck: #10 The Arizona Diamondbacks

In The Hole: #11 The Detroit Tigers

Previously on Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

#1 The San Diego Padres
#2 The Washington Nationals
#3 The Seattle Mariners
#4 The Colorado Rockies
#5 The San Francisco Giants
#6 The Pittsburgh Pirates (w/ Special Guest S#!tter Tampa Bay Sports Blog’s Scott Brannelly)
#7 The Atlanta Braves
BONUS Puerto Rico
#8 The Baltimore Orioles

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16 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t 2009: #9 The Reds”
  1. Alex M says:

    Argument #4. It only took us 11 years, bitches!

    Check your facts.

    The original Cincinnati Red Stockings, baseball’s first openly all-professional team, were founded as an amateur club in 1863, and became fully professional in 1868. The Red Stockings won 130 straight games throughout 1869 and 1870, before being defeated by the Brooklyn Atlantics. Star players included brothers Harry and George Wright, Fred Waterman, and pitcher Asa Brainard. The 1869 Red Stockings made an eastern swing of 21 games and went undefeated. According to Walter Camp, the team received a banquet and a “champion bat…this rather remarkable testimonial was twenty-seven feet long and nine inches (229 mm) in diameter”. The following year, the team lost only one game. They were defeated at the Brooklyn Atlantics’ Capitoline Grounds. According to Camp, the Red Stockings lost 8–7 in 11 innings. The game apparently served as a precursor to today’s unruly crowds because he wrote: “A crowd of ten thousand people assembled to witness this match, and so lost their heads in the excitement as to give the Western men a very unfair reception.” [See: "Base-Ball For The Spectator", Walter Camp, Century Magazine October, 1889.]

  2. sm00th_kw says:

    I believe that was, “why your baseball knowledge aint $@## compaired to a Reds fans.”

    Makes sense, your team with 0 rings, is only 11 years old.

  3. KJ says:

    This feature is lame. The Rays have a good team. Congrats, thats what happens when you pick first in the draft for 10 straight years (I wont bother to check if that statment is correct). Your still a douchey expansion team with no tradition and silly uniforms. Also, you still don’t have any rings or a single HOF’er.

  4. RedsFan says:

    You comments toward rotation comparisons is almost ridiculous. If I recall, most of the Ray’s rotation minus Kazmir, is just as unproven as Volquez and Cueto. Who says they won’t experience years like Carmona or Liriano? How do you know Garza, or Shields, or Sonnanstine won’t experience set backs this year? You don’t…..especially in the heavy hitting AL East. Harang did have a horrible year last year. Could be from injury or he just isn’t as great as everyone thinks he is. I personally think he will have a bounce back year and still be one of the better pitchers in the NL. With Arroyo, you are dead on. It’s almost a coin flip with what type of pitching performance you will see. I realize this article is supposed to be somewhat as a joke, but I think a one year run at the World Series has gone to your head a little bit.

  5. You realize you are going to jinx the Rays like something fierce right.

  6. Rusty says:

    FUCK YOU. YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT BASEBALL .. RAYS SUCK BITCH

  7. Red's Fan says:

    I am a big Reds fan and I thought this was funny. Lets face it, losing season after losing season since 99. I like this team a lot, but I did last year too. I love Bruce, but I would take Longoria simply bc of position. I think they are in the right direction though, dumping Dunn and Jr., like them both, but I like them better on some other team. Until we get to the postseason, I don’t know how anyone can argue the fact the Rays are better.

  8. Paul says:

    TheNaturalMevs:

    Yeah, just like he jinxed them last year when he done the exact same feature…

    I don’t know what’s funnier – Chalk’s feature (which is funny as hell!) or the reaction by opposition fans to what is, by and large, satirical.

    I guess when God was handing out humour, Reds fans thought he said “tumour” and passed up on the offer.

  9. daedalus says:

    Here we come! I guess I’ll throw a punch just for fun. You say Reds fans commented the most? Well, remember back when the Rays couldn’t get anyone to come to the games? Bunch of bandwagoners. We’re rabid even eight years into a losing streak.

    Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove last year. Joey Votto came in second in ROY voting to a catcher who played for a winning team. Volquez’s ERA may have doubled after the All Star break, but when you’re hovering around 1.00 in June, doubling is nothing to be ashamed of. Cueto was 21 years old. Harang threw four innnings of relief in an extra inning game and pitched two days later and was injured in the process.

    Our farm system is loaded. The rotation could have four potential number one type starters if the real Homer shows up this year. The offense? Well, we have five or six guys who can hit at least 20 homers and four of them who can hit 30.

    See you in the 2010 World Series.

  10. Paul says:

    Hey daedalus, you had 128 years to build that “rabid” fanbase, many of them winning years.

    We had 10 losing seasons.

    Try again..

  11. Hey Paul, I was joking in good nature with Mr. Chalk. I enjoy his writing and his feature and I’m a homer for the Reds just like he is his Rays.

    But you didn’t build anything sir. Smelling smack is weak and even weaker is not being able to spell ‘humor’. You try again you hack. There’s a decent chance that you didn’t even like the Rays back when they included the Devil and guys like Vinnie Castilla, Freddy Crime Dog Mcgriff and Wade Boggs. Don’t you lie to me and say you did.

  12. And as a follow up dig up this post in 2009’s end:

    Johnny Cueto’s numbers > David Price’s numbers
    Edison Volquez’s numbers > Whoever ends up your ace’s numbers
    Jay Bruce’s numbers > Longoria’s numbers (take it to the bank)
    Brandon Pinyatta’s numbers > Iwamura’s numbers

    I could keep going but you get the point. Those four I’m sure about. Garza couldn’t hold Harang’s jock. It’s not Harang’s fault that our ownership is incompetent and all of our youngsters didn’t have career years needed to get him to a postseason.

  13. Paul says:

    LOL. It’s spelled “humour” where I live. Ignorance is no excuse ;)

    And I can prove that I was a Rays fan before the ’08 season, if you want me to make you look stupid. You’re doing a pretty good job of it yourself tho.

  14. Floyd says:

    I’m glad the Rays beat the Yanks and the Red Sox. I’m also glad they lost when they finally got to play an NL team.

    Hard for the Reds to get to the WS in their first 34 years. It hadn’t been invented yet.

  15. Paul says:

    By the way, re: post 12.

    Career years?! Now you really are showing your ignorance.

  16. Mark says:

    5 time world champions.

    Don’t rings speak for themselves?

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