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October 1, 2008 at 12:01 am ET
11 Comments
Your Team Ain’t S#!t Playoff Edition: Phillies

In February and March, I previewed the 29 other MLB teams and compared them to our beloved Devil Rays, in anticipation of the 2008 season which has Rayvolutionized The Game ….

To get you ready for October, we’ll do it one more ‘gain with the 7 other teams lucky enough to join the Devil Rays in the postseason….

2008 Regular Season Record vs. Brewers: 5-1 (4-0 in Philly, 1-1 in Wisconsin) [Sabathia didn't pitch in any of those games]
2008 Regular Season Record vs. Devil Rays: didn’t play

October Arguments: Surprisingly, the ’08 Philadelphia Phillies had a second-straight pretty magical, spectacular season….

….by Philadelphia standards. All-around nice guy Brett Myers made a bold (by Philadelphia standards) playoff guarantee: “We will NOT go three and out again!” In Philadelphia, being ever so slightly less bad than last year and ever so slightly less bad than the Mets is the mountaintop.

Not so in the sports paradise that is Tampa-St. Pete. And why not with our glorious history? Compare and contrast:

  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2002 World Champions (beat the Eagles in Philly in the NFC Championship)
  • Philadelphia Eagles: 0 Super Bowl titles
  • Tampa Bay Lightning: 2004 World Champions (beat the Flyers in the Conference Finals)
  • Philadelphia Flyers: Last World Championship — 1975

Brad Lidge.

Chamomiles Davis reports this is how Brad Lidge celebrated winning The NL Comeback Player Of The Year Award:

doorbell rings at the Albert Pujols residence]

Pujols [answering door]: Brad Lidge? What are you doing here?

Lidge: THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!

[runs comeback trophy along side of Pujols' new Mercedes; hops into getaway car]

Ya, he saved 40 games this year. Mitch Williams saved over 40 games for the Phillies one year too. Then he didn’t do so well in the postseason. What’s that? Mitch is throwing out the first pitch before Game One? What Rick and T.C. weren’t available?

The Hats Of Sarge Matthews vs. The Perm of Dewayne Staats. Advantage: PUSH.

Retard Writers. If you’ve clicked on any of the links so far, you can probably tell The Fightins Dot Com is just about my favorite site on the internet besides the one you’re on now. It’s just a shame those talented bastards devote themselves to such a shit team, but perhaps that’s part of their charm, and since I write about the best team in baseball who am I to judge? Recently Chamomiles and Meech have been joined by longtime B&C comment leaver How Do You Spell Retard? — and I am very amused by the URL for HDYSR’s posts:

http://www.thefightins.com/author/retard

Again, it’s a shame that the Phillies ain’t shit compared to the fellas at The Fightins. The Phillies are likeable in a cute, non-threatening, almost Cubs-esque type of way. But they aren’t very good at baseball and they have accomplished extremely little.

Record Trailing After 6 Innings: 13-51
Record Trailing After 8 Innings: 6-60
Record When Opponents Score First: 26-49

If the Phillies and Devil Rays meet in the World Series, the first two games will be at historic Tropicana Field, and we’ll all see that the Phillies ain’t shit compared to our American League East Champion Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Previously on Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The American League East Champion Devil Rays: Playoff Edition….

#1 Boston Red Sox
#2 Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim
#3 Chicago Cubs
#4 Los Angeles Dodgers

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The American League East Champion Devil Rays: Playoff Edition….

On Deck: #6 The Milwaukee Brewers

In The Hole: #7 The Chicago White Sox

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11 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t Playoff Edition: Phillies”
  1. meech.one says:

    I appreciate the kind words Chalk, and of course the feeling is mutual. HOWEVER…

    “The Hats Of Sarge Matthews vs. The Perm of Dewayne Staats. Advantage: PUSH”

    That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever read. A push?! Say whatever you’d like about our team, but don’t disrespect Sarge like that.

    Thank you.

  2. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
    Sarge Matthews > Odin

    The Fightins’ is my 2nd favorite site, right after Egotastic.

  3. Mike says:

    lol you are a funny guy. I love how you talk about how the Phillies are not a very good baseball team, and how they haven’t accomplished much etc. It is so witty! Especially coming from a guy who is a fan of a team who has 0 world series, 0 league penants, and for the first time in their 10 year history has made the playoffs/finished over .500…

    Now, I realize that they are only 10 years old and all that, but by my calculations that means that over the past 10 years, they have done no better than the very team that you are shitting on right now! As a matter of fact, you seem to forget the fact that this is only the second time in your teams history that they didn’t finish DEAD LAST in the AL East… Oh, and the other time, they finished 4th with a 70-91 record… WOOHOO! It’s also worth noting that in your team’s short history, they finished dead last in the entire league in 2001, 2002, 2006, and 2007.

    Get off your high horse there chief, you get a little taste of greatness and all of a sudden your shit don’t stink? LOL. What have the Rays accomplished? 1/10 seasons finishing over .500? Awesome… the Rays have truly accomplished greatness…

    See you at “historical” (Read: 18 years old) Tropicana Stadium… if you make it.

    P.S. Gary Matthews > Dewayne Staats any day of the fucking week. I think you are on drugs…

  4. Mike says:

    Oh, and I almost forgot…

    Brett Myers is, indeed, a huge prick… Get over it… Everyone knows it. Your ability to make fun of him does not make you witty, it makes you a hack.

  5. Mike says:

    Damn… sorry for the triple post… but there is no such team as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays… You are (kind of) living in the past. They changed their name… get over it.

  6. Mike says:

    Hey.. I’m back… I just saw something while checking TSN, and I found it relevant…

    Tampa Bay Rays
    Record Trailing After 6 Innings: 12 – 54
    Record Trailing After 7 Innings: 9 – 57
    Record Trailing After 6 Innings: 3 – 56

    YAY! FUN WITH NUMBERS!!!!

  7. Steve says:

    I bet you couldn’t name 2 players outside of (Cole, Myers, Lidge, Rollins, Utley, Howard). So go back to the JV leagues of the AL.

  8. I’ll spot you Scott Eyre and J.C. Romero, David. Let’s collect our prize now (it’s 70/30 split my way).

  9. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    No cheating — The Flyin Hawaiian Shane Victorino, (Alfonseca’s not still there is he?), Jayson Werth, Pedro Feliz, Pat Burrell who has a whole site devoted to his sexiness, Kyle Kendrick also not on the playoff roster (apparently he didn’t take well to that whole traded to Japan thing), ageless wonder Jamie Moyer,

    I’m sure I could think of more.

    I know and like the Phillies. They most things Philly, they are cute and non-threatening.

    The Phillies have accomplished nothing yet. They’ve been gifted a division by the Mets, and gifted the first two games by the shitty Brewers who were gifted the wild card by the Mets. Good luck against Manny and the Dodgers.

    The Phillies would probably be right down with the Orioles if they played in the AL East.

    And you know who really really sucks? Donovan McNabb.

  10. Bigger plans says:

    Apparently, your Rays aren’t shit compared to the Phils, eh? Sober up. It’ll be OK. Maybe the Rays can be all cute and cuddly again next year.

  11. Mike says:

    LOL you know who REALLY sucks? The Rays…

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