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September 29, 2008 at 12:01 am ET
Your Team Ain’t S#!t Playoff Edition: Red Sox

In February and March, I previewed the 29 other MLB teams and compared them to our beloved Devil Rays, in anticipation of the 2008 season which has Rayvolutionized The Game ….

To get you ready for October, we’ll do it one more ‘gain with the 7 other teams lucky enough to join the Devil Rays in the postseason….

2008 Regular Season Record vs. Angels: 1-8 (1-5 at Fenway, 0-3 in Anaheim)
2008 Regular Season Record vs. Devil Rays: 8-10 (7-2 at Fenway, 1-8 at The Trop)

October Arguments: Without Manny, these Sox aren’t really the defending champs.

Without Manny they’re a shell of their former selves, and didn’t spend a single day alone in first place without him. Now we’ll see that it was Manny carrying David Ortiz and the rest of the Sox all along. In last year’s playoffs, it was Manny crushing game-winning homers and keeping the team loose after they fell behind 3-1 to Cleveland in the ALCS.

You Must Be At Least This Tall To Be The AL MVP.

Is there a bigger joke in baseball than all of this Dustin Pedroia MVP talk? (Mussina HOF talk may be a close second.) Yes, the small child has played well since Manny was banished, but Manny should still be the Red Sox MVP this season.

It was Manny that carried the team when David Ortiz went down. Pedroia wouldn’t be getting all those singles and doubles if it weren’t for all the bigger bats surrounding him in the order. Defensively, he is no Akinori Iwamura. Nor has he had the clutch hits Iwamura has had.

(Dustin Pedroia is listed at 5-9, I myself am listed at 5-8.75.)

We Are The Idiots Now. In ’04, the Red Sox were fun. They were Idiots. Then the Yankees bought Damon’s soul, Pedro went to Queens, Millar and Nixon left too, every part of Curt Schilling’s body except his mouth fell apart, and they exiled Manny. Now you have guys like Mark Kotsay and Jason Bay. Those are not fun guys anymore. Our Devil Rays are giving new definition to the words “idiots” and “fun”. You don’t see the Sox drinking out of each other’s jocks now do you. Or Francona or any of his boys getting mohawks.

Holes in the Rotation. Daisuke Matsuzaka leads the AL in walks. The Red Sox are 13-14 in games started by Josh Beckett. If Beckett’s even healthy enough to pitch in the postseason.

Jason Bay is a cursed eunuch. Your tainted slugger Jason Bay would rather be watching his wife poop out their second daughter than play in the last two games against the Devil Rays in September (both Sox losses, a win in either would have given the Sox a shot at home-field in the first round). Clearly a case of Jason Bay being Jason Bay — it might be understandable if it was dude’s first kid or a masculine child. But a second daughter? — that dude’s got no testicles.

Coco Crisp is a headcase who could start shit at any moment.

All-Star catcher Jason Varitek: batting .220 for the season, with 43 RBI. (By comparison, All-Star catcher TFC Dioner Navarro: batting .295 for the season, with 54 RBI.)

Injury concerns: Little known fact: J.D. Drew is injury-prone. Mike Lowell’s hip hurts. Only old people have bad hips — dude’s washed up.

Spring Argument #1. The Media And The Yankees Have Shown That They Know The Rayvolution Is Upon Us.

The argument here was that the media was making excuses for the Sox to prepare the unprepared for the Devil Rays rise to dominance, and that the Yankees had shifted their focus to the new Beast Of The East. This has certainly played out, and the greater intensity of Devil Rays-Yankees games compared to Sox-Yanks games was clear to see.

Sox Record In One-Run Games: 21-23
Sox Record When Trailing After 6 Innings: 14-48
Sox Record When Trailing After 8 Innings: 2-57

If the Red Sox and Devil Rays meet in the ALCS, the series will begin at historic Tropicana Field and we’ll all see that the Red Sox ain’t shit compared to our American League East Champion Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Coming soon to Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The American League East Champion Devil Rays: Playoff Edition….

On Deck: #2 The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim

In The Hole: #3 The Chicago Cubs

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8 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t Playoff Edition: Red Sox”
  1. Chad says:

    “Your tainted slugger Jason Bay would rather be watching his wife poop out their second daughter…”

    Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Class himself, David Chalk.

  2. coops2001 says:

    Well, baseball is more important than life right? Why doesn’t Chalk take shots at Lou Gehrig, Roy Campanella and Roberto Clemente while he’s at it. Jeez…

  3. babaoje says:

    (Dustin Pedroia is listed at 5-9, I myself am listed at 5-8.75.)

    Pedroia also isn’t 250lbs

  4. coops2001 says:

    “listed at 5-8.75.”

    5-8 and 3/4? My five-year old talks like that! And he’s 5 going on 6. I wouldn’t hold my breath for Dick Schaap Award for Outstanding Journalism with that post.

  5. Dirty Water says:

    JFC, no Beckett? What a cruel ending to a gallant year.

    To all those of the select 8, I wish your team good luck in the playoffs. Now excuse me while I grab my paintgun and start picking off neighborhood pets.

  6. FrankDiscussion says:

    I picked up a subtle reference to the “Godfather” film in that post. Still uninspired drivel though.

  7. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Frank, thank you for reading my uninspired drivel so closely, I was afraid no one would get my Godfather reference. Now I will return to drinking my red wine out of a plastic pitcher.

  8. FrankDiscussion says:

    I always pay attention to detail. My wife’s cousin named her first son Luca.

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