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April 23, 2014 at 6:36 am ET
Baseball’s Thirteen Unwritten Rules, Explained

The most talked about story in MLB for the last 72 hours has been the brawl that took place between the Milwaukee Brewers and Pittsburgh Pirates this past Sunday. Suspensions were handed down yesterday, with the largest punishment being doled out to Brewer Martin Maldonado. Maldonado’s suspension, Carlos Gomez’s pimping, and Travis Snider’s shiner have once again engaged age-old arguments about baseball’s unwritten rules. What are they? What are the punishments? Who is allowed to enforce them? Well, I found myself with some free time and decided I’d try to take a shot.

1. Admiring a home run: Strictly forbidden (unless player is of Anglo descent and/or over the age of 35); punishable by beaning or being yelled at by angry Texan.

2. Home run trots: NO TROTTING ALLOWED (unless player is of Anglo descent and/or over the age of 35); punishable by beaning or being yelled at by angry Texan.

3. Hustle: Required at all times; punishable by benching (depending on salary, length of hair, and/or tattoo placement) .

4. Sliding hard into second base to break up a double play: Allowed; but only against inconsequential players; punishable by beaning and/or death threats from ESPN.com commenters.

5. Bunting for a hit: Allowed; except when said bunt would count for the first hit of the game; punishable by aggro post-game comments from opposing team’s manager and/or pitcher.

6. East Coast Bias: Required by every reporter, regardless of geo-location; punishable by constant lambaste from ESPN.com commenters.

7. ¬†Celebrating a strikeout: Strictly forbidden (unless you’re from Texas and/or over the age of 35);¬†punishable by being yelled at by angry and/or old white guy.

8. Fighting:¬†Allowed; but only to protect teammates; punishable by “The Godfather of Baseball,” Joe Torre.

9. Stealing bases when game is “out of hand:” How out of hand? ¬†No one knows, but it is forbidden (unless you’re Ricky Henderson); punishable by nothing (no one really cares about this one anymore).

10. Stepping on the pitcher’s mound, aka the “Dallas Braden¬†Corollary:”¬†Apparently¬†forbidden; punishable by being yelled at by some loudmouth with a hamster-sized phallus.

11. Stealing Signs: Forbidden (but only if you get caught); punishable by beaning and/or being yelled at by angry Texan.

12. Tattoos:¬†Allowed; but must have a “meaning” and can’t signify any gang affiliation; punishable by stereotyping from Twitter users.

13. Tweeting: Must be non-threatening at ALL times; punishable by team executives over the age of 60 who for some odd reason hate their players. 

Who may enforce: 

1. All players over the age of 35

2. Angry and/or old white guys (e.g.)

3. All newspaper columnists over the age of 60

4. All players from Texas

5. Twitter

Please feel free to add yours in the comments.

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3 Responses to “Baseball’s Thirteen Unwritten Rules, Explained”
  1. SB23 says:

    Make sure we ratify the David Ortiz Amendment, because he breaks all of these unwritten rules but is miraculously immune to Baseball Justice(tm), despite his non-Anglo-ness…

  2. Duke Jackson says:

    Big Papi is over 35 so he is free to break said rules as well as administer/demand punishment for rule breakers. Baseball Justice!

  3. Donny says:

    Brett Butler thinks Carlos Gomez’ bat flips are excessive and disrespectful to the game

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