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May 1, 2013 at 7:00 am ET
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Let’s Settle the Issue of “Doing the Wave” at Baseball Games

In the wake of yesterday’s “wave” controversy, I’ve decided there’s a way we can settle this whole thing once and for all.

People that “do the wave” at baseball games are:

  • Bored
  • Not baseball fans
  • Folks that incessantly talk about their pets at work
  • Under the age of 12
  • Ridiculously hamboned
  • Unaware of the definition of “hamboned”
  • Lonely amidst a crowd of thousands
  • In desperate need of attention
  • Tourists
  • Ignorant of most social mores
  • Birthers
  • Wearing Mom jeans or t-shirts tucked into their jeans (see above right)
  • Probably taking a break from finishing their 22nd reality show application (Which one? It doesn’t matter)
  • Driving cars with personalized license plates (I’m looking at you, Virgnia)
  • Letting the terrorists win
  • Obsessed with checking their mentions on Twitter (How many? The same as when you last checked five minutes ago: zero)
  • Afraid of one-on-one human-to-human contact
  • Justin Bieber fans
  • Perhaps senile and confused with their surroundings and mistakenly signaling for help (also see above right?)
  • Ruining this country
  • Soul-less
Thank you for your time. Please feel free to share this list with the next jag-off who attempts to start the wave at a baseball game.
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One Response to “Let’s Settle the Issue of “Doing the Wave” at Baseball Games”
  1. Keith says:

    I lost it at “Letting the terrorists win.”

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