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April 8, 2013 at 6:31 pm ET
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A Knight’s Tale

Gather ‘round, children of Hogtown, I have a tale to tell. It is the stuff of legends, an account of a valiant man, the most courageous to ever grace these wretched Robfordian streets.  A knight once walked amongst us, and his story must be told.

He came from a galaxy far, far away; where Kevin James was once King and underground boxcars stamped with A, F, N, Q, R, J, E and 7 would transport you to Manhattan in in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

He arrived from a place of marvel that spawned many hip-hop masters; such as LL the coolest of the J’s, Mr. Nasir Jones  Esq., Run from the clan of DMC, the Questing Tribe, the Deepest Mobb, and the esteemed Kool G Rap. It was a place rich with the Neck of Throgs, Van of Wycks and Parkways of Belts. This magical land housed the flying spaces of John F. Kennedy and Fiorello H. LaGuardia, where weary wanderers rested their tired heads upon seat covers woven of the finest polyester as they awaited their summons to the skyship.

Heroes of yore where once seen roaming Cross Bay Boulevard. It was not uncommon to witness the Brothers Ramone, Roneth of Jeremy, Simon and his midwife Garfunkel, John McEnroe Galahad, and Kareem Abdul-Lancelot, perched atop chairs of Flushing gold, sitting upon their round table, strategizing to overtake the evil squire Donald Trumpleton. Our hero called this enchanted place his own. It was his home for many a hunting season, and he proved that he had the impudence to overtake fiends sent to destroy his domain with oblong timbers.

His battlefield was the stadium of Shea upon the field of Citi. He threw flaming lances at Philadelphia dragons. He whipped his speared knuckles at Braves. He fought for supremacy, defending his sacred mound of dirt against Harperian Nationals and Stantic Marlins. His earned run average was the talk of the land. His fellow knuckle-knights, Sir Tim Wakefield of Bostonia, Jim Bouton of the Kingdom of Ball Four, and His Majesty Charles Hough sang his praises.  He was rewarded in the Gregorian year of two-thousand years and twelve fortnights with a symbol of magnitude:  The Cy Young Amulet.

But he grew troubled with his efforts to preserve the castle of David Wright. Our hero was to leave Queenslandia to fight against the evil wizards in the America League of East. He was told of beasts locked away in dungeons, deprived of sun, taking incessant batting practice, subsisting on nothing but the ade of gators and elderberries. He was told these beasts would be as big as Papis, as long as Longorias, as wide as Wieters, and possess the Canosian strength of ten thousand designated hitters.

Our hero did not balk; he accepted his fate and shipped off across the Interstate of 90, through the frozen wasteland of Syracuse, the Chester of Roch, and Buffalonia. He treaded through the falls of Niagara and presented his papers of birth to the guardians of Canadia. The guardians obliged; thus, he was granted entry unto the fortress of Ontariotown where leaves of Maple adorned the ground, the women were bountiful, and the ale of Steam Whistle flowed plentiful.

He was not scared, for he knew he would not be defending the Centre of Rogers all by his lonesome. He would be reunited with his trusted confidant and former fellow Metropolitan, José St. Reyes. He would be welcomed by the warrior Bautista. He would form a great bond with battery-mate John Paul Arencibia the Chivalrous.  He would wear his newly minted coat of arms, festooned with blue, white, and the crimson leaf of maple resting in the middle of his bonnet. Lastly, he would not surrender earned runs to Yankee demons, robbers in red socks, devilish sea beings, and feather-plucking orioles.

However, this was not to be. Our hero stumbled upon his first foray to defend his mound of dirt at the Centre of Rogers. His second foray he feared far worse, surrendering eight earned runs to the robbers in red socks, the worst siege coming from the evil necromancer William of Middlebrooks.

The townspeople jeered. “Get thee to a nunnery!”, they cried in unison. “Return to the National League of East!”, they yelled. “Be gone with you!”.  The townspeople were spoiled. They thought our hero would defeat dragons with one fail swoop of his knuckles. They did not think it would take him time to get accustomed to the behemoth hitting of the giants of the American League of East. A nation turned on him. They spurned him after just two games. Why doth they boo? We will never know.

If you listen closely, children of Hogtown, you can hear him weeping silently atop the CN Tower, his knuckles resting gently on his chin.

And thus ends the tale of woe of Sir Robert Allen Dickey, the Earl of Knuckledom.

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