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July 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm ET
Five MLB Players That Are Great At Baseball But Bother Me

The Yankees just won their 54th game. I’m not even going to bother with a mid-season report card because they’re killing it. Instead, here’s a list of five players that I find incredibly annoying for stupid reasons.

This does not reflect the opinions of the entire Bugs & Cranks crew. Or maybe it does. I didn’t ask. A lady never does, she just irrationally hates on Cole Hamels.

Cole Hamels: He’s married to someone from Survivor. That’s like being married to someone who was on, gee, I dunno, Big Brother.  Not all reality TV is bad. I love Iron Chef and stand by Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler’s union because The Hills was an outstanding achievement in junk food television. But those shows are scripted reality. Plus, Cole Hamels’s face is an actual rectangle. A rectangle with eyes. It’s freaky. However, if the Yankees trade for him, he can marry the entire cast of the Bachlorette. Kthnxbai.

CJ Wilson: I don’t have a problem with him being straightedge, it’s the holier than thou attitude he projects. Then dates supermodels. Maybe you have to be a woman to understand this one. You can’t act like you’re smarter than everyone else then date a chick who’s job is to wear a bathing suit and make other women feel crappy about what they look like in swimwear. I’m not a feminist or against all supermodels. I like Gisele Brady, especially when she gets all like, “My husband can’t do it all” even though what she really wants to say is “Tom, since we’ve been together you’ve lost two of these thingies to the Giants. You sleep on the couch until you win again!”

Brett Lawrie: I like the Blue Jays. I want them to get the 2nd wildcard spot. If they were in the AL Central, they’d win the division every year. However, Brett Lawrie looks like one of those guys that starts doing pushups when he feels threatened and thinks he’s being charming when he’s photographed without a shirt on. He can hit, he’s the future of the Jays and he’s Canadian. By all accounts I should love this guy. But really kids, he’s a mouthbreather who only knows where Toronto is on a map because José Bautista showed him where it is. “Hey buddy,” José points to Toronto on a map of North America. “This is where we play. Do you want a cookie?”

Josh Hamilton: In the 90s there was a film entitled With Honors. It’s the story of Harvard student who was working on his thesis when a bum steals it. Or something. I haven’t seen it since 1994. But the Madonna song “I’ll Remember” was on the soundtrack and that’s such a great song. Anyway, one of the stars of the film was Josh Hamilton.  No, not J-Ham the AL MVP, but the other J-Ham, the thespian. You know what Josh Hamilton the actor’s been in? Alive. Remember that awesome movie? Yeah, you do because him and Ethan Hawke ate people. Or something. I can’t remember, I haven’t seen it since 1993. You know what Josh Hamilton the Major Leaguer’s been in? A crack den and a Home Run Derby. I really do, hate this guy for no reason. He’s one of the best players in baseball.

Jonathan Papelbon:  I have an unbridled hatred for the Philadelphia Phillies. It’s bad. Maybe it’s because they used to beat up on the Expos, or because they were part of the most unbearable World Series in the last 10 years (2008’s garbage run against the other team I despise, the Rays), but yeah, I really hate them. Now, I hate them even more this season because they paid Jonathan Papelbon, the guy who ruined a fine Dropkick Murphys song  -“Shipping up to Boston” -, more money than he deserves to close out all of Cole Hamels’s game.

Wow. I’m riled up now. Need to calm down and find my power animal. It’s Tim Lincecum, in case you were wondering.



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2 Responses to “Five MLB Players That Are Great At Baseball But Bother Me”
  1. Chris Waters says:

    Say, what have you been drinking ( or taking )? It must be some really strong stuff!

  2. Elisabeth says:

    Nothing stronger than good old fashioned water. I was, however, listening to Rage Against the Machine while cleaning the house the other day. That could’ve brought on some “hate”.

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