The Yankees just won their 54th game. Iâ€™m not even going to bother with a mid-season report card because theyâ€™re killing it. Instead, hereâ€™s a list of five players that I find incredibly annoying for stupid reasons.
This does not reflect the opinions of the entire Bugs & Cranks crew. Or maybe it does. I didnâ€™t ask. A lady never does, she just irrationally hates on Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels: Heâ€™s married to someone from Survivor. Thatâ€™s like being married to someone who was on, gee, I dunno, Big Brother. Â Not all reality TV is bad. I love Iron Chef and stand by Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutlerâ€™s union because The Hills was an outstanding achievement in junk food television. But those shows are scripted reality. Plus, Cole Hamelsâ€™s face is an actual rectangle. A rectangle with eyes. Itâ€™s freaky. However, if the Yankees trade for him, he can marry the entire cast of the Bachlorette. Kthnxbai.
CJ Wilson: I donâ€™t have a problem with him being straightedge, itâ€™s the holier than thou attitude he projects. Then dates supermodels. Maybe you have to be a woman to understand this one. You canâ€™t act like youâ€™re smarter than everyone else then date a chick whoâ€™s job is to wear a bathing suit and make other women feel crappy about what they look like in swimwear. Iâ€™m not a feminist or against all supermodels. I like Gisele Brady, especially when she gets all like, â€śMy husband canâ€™t do it allâ€ť even though what she really wants to say is â€śTom, since weâ€™ve been together youâ€™ve lost two of these thingies to the Giants. You sleep on the couch until you win again!â€ť
Brett Lawrie: I like the Blue Jays. I want them to get the 2nd wildcard spot. If they were in the AL Central, theyâ€™d win the division every year. However, Brett Lawrie looks like one of those guys that starts doing pushups when he feels threatened and thinks heâ€™s being charming when heâ€™s photographed without a shirt on. He can hit, heâ€™s the future of the Jays and heâ€™s Canadian. By all accounts I should love this guy. But really kids, heâ€™s a mouthbreather who only knows where Toronto is on a map because JosĂ© Bautista showed him where it is. â€śHey buddy,â€ť JosĂ© points to Toronto on a map of North America. â€śThis is where we play. Do you want a cookie?â€ť
Josh Hamilton: In the 90s there was a film entitled With Honors. It’s the story of Harvard student who was working on his thesis when a bum steals it. Or something. I havenâ€™t seen it since 1994. But the Madonna song â€śIâ€™ll Rememberâ€ť was on the soundtrack and thatâ€™s such a great song. Anyway, one of the stars of the film was Josh Hamilton. Â No, not J-Ham the AL MVP, but the other J-Ham, the thespian. You know what Josh Hamilton the actorâ€™s been in? Alive. Remember that awesome movie? Yeah, you do because him and Ethan Hawke ate people. Or something. I canâ€™t remember, I havenâ€™t seen it since 1993. You know what Josh Hamilton the Major Leaguerâ€™s been in? A crack den and a Home Run Derby. I really do, hate this guy for no reason. Heâ€™s one of the best players in baseball.
Jonathan Papelbon:Â I have an unbridled hatred for the Philadelphia Phillies. Itâ€™s bad. Maybe itâ€™s because they used to beat up on the Expos, or because they were part of the most unbearable World Series in the last 10 years (2008â€™s garbage run against the other team I despise, the Rays), but yeah, I really hate them. Now, I hate them even more this season because they paid Jonathan Papelbon, the guy who ruined a fine Dropkick Murphys songÂ -â€śShipping up to Bostonâ€ť -, more money than he deserves to close out all of Cole Hamelsâ€™s game.
Wow. Iâ€™m riled up now. Need to calm down and find my power animal. Itâ€™s Tim Lincecum, in case you were wondering.