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April 24, 2014 at 11:46 am ET
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Michael Pineda + Pine Tar = Clueless Yankees

Yesterday was a crap day. I learned that Alicia Silverstone is an anti-vaxxer, and then there was the whole Michael Pineda situation. 

First Alicia Silverstone. But you’re like wait, this is a baseball blog. Yes, I’m aware. Hear me out or skip ahead to the Pineda paragraphs.

Alicia Silverstone was one of those people, like Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Kathleen Hanna, Justine Frischmann, and the members of Salt-n-Pepa, who helped define what it meant to be a woman. They were strong, independent, take-no-prisoners ladies who, and I’m pretty sure I speak for most chicks who attended high school in the 90s, meant something to pop culture.

I first discovered Alicia Silverstone, like everyone else, in an Aerosmith video. Then there was The Crush, and Hideaway. My So-Called Life was cancelled. There would be no more Jordan Catalano to make googly eyes with (until present day when you can’t walk two steps without smacking into Jared Leto and his man-bun). There was no one to embody what it meant to be a frustrated teenager with awkwardly died hair (until present day when Claire Danes is on the loose at Langley playing a grown-up version of Angela Chase).

Along came Clueless, a movie that showed no matter where you live, your socio-economic status, or who your friends were, being a teenager fucking sucked. Sure, the characters in Clueless lived lavishly, wore clothes I could only dream of and spoke in a Valley-girl twang that sounded like the Gap girls sketch from SNL, the movie made sense to me. The main character, played by Silverstone was Jewish which helped, and except for the bit where SPOILER ALERT she ends up with her ex-stepbrother (Paul Rudd in the house!) I could relate to all of it. Wanting your driver’s license, spending time at the mall, thinking you were a grown up by ordering a Diet Coke at a restaurant, it was all there and it was funny. The best part? It was based on Jane Austen’s Emma, which lead me to discover that book and others with female leads.

The soundtrack was great too. Beastie Boys, Jill Sobule (remember her?), The Muffs, Supergrass, Luscious Jackson et al., turned my discman into that scene from the party in the Valley. Rollin’ with the homies, anyone?

When I found out that the chick who played Cher Horowitz was against vaccination I was devastated. She has a new book coming out where she also says things about postpartum depression, alluding to the fact that she doesn’t think it exists. DUDE. What?!?

As for Michael Pineda using pine tar, I am also devastated. I get a lot of shit for liking this one particular New York sports team and now I finally understand why.

So Yankees, you’re like anti-vaxxers to me now. I look at you the way I now have to look at Alicia Silverstone, a clueless entity that should know better. The vaccination debate is highly controversial and it shouldn’t be. Do you like measles? No? Then vaccinate your spawn. Look, I’m not a doctor but in this instance it makes me just as qualified to enter the vax talks as tools like Jenny McCarthy and Kristin Cavallari. And hey, I can read and my readings tell me that vaccination prevents the spread of disease and the Yankees should’ve seen this coming two years ago. With the injury, the DUI and the fact that he already had a “brown goo” incident two weeks ago, the only strike zone Pineda should be finding for the rest of the season is on MLB The Show.

A pitcher can’t have a foreign substance on his person. The end. Do not pass go. There are no two ways around it. It’s not a scene from Major League, it’s real life and it’s insulting to us the fans that Pineda would do something like this. From this point on, I will do my best to avoid watching the New York Yankees.  If I see they’re going to be on Sunday Night Baseball (which is a given because the Yankees and Red Sox must be televised AT ALL TIMES) I will pull a Cher Horowitz, flip my hair and say, “Ugh. As if.”

*If you are offended by this article, I apologize but if I get mumps because you didn’t vaccinate your kid, I’m going to be hella pissed.

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4 Responses to “Michael Pineda + Pine Tar = Clueless Yankees”
  1. Dr. Raymond Hurst says:

    I am a doctor, and an expert on autism. You are absolutely correct about the anti-vaxers. They are nitwits who are harming children. Your post is excellent (and I still hate the Yankees)

  2. Elisabeth says:

    Thank you, Dr. Hurst!

  3. Donny says:

    vaccines = good
    yankees = bad

    why?
    science, that’s why

  4. Dr. Raymond Hurst says:

    Thank you Elizabeth and Donny!

    R

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