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October 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm ET
The T1000 Orioles vs. The No-run Support Yankees

The Yankees left Camden Yards Monday night covered in feathers and bird poop. Then their train was delayed. Around 2:30am outside of Aberdeen, Maryland, their chartered Amtrak train rolled to a stop. Electrical issues had kept the train from leaving Baltimore on time. Eddie Simmons, Stevie Schreiber, Boogie Sheftell and Modell might’ve messed with the electrical system. Or maybe it was Fenwick. He did try and fake a car accident one time.* We don’t know exactly what happened, but the train got sucked into a blackout vortex.

With time on his hands skipper Joe Girardi reflected. I wasn’t there but I assume it went something like this:

As the train moved slowly, lightly grazing the Maryland countryside, the Yankees manager looked to his left. There was his third baseman, looking forlorn, almost wounded as if he had been pecked at by a family of oriolidae. The manager sighed. What was his third baseman thinking? Why was he so ineffective? Why did it seem like the last out of every post-season game belonged to him? The manager sighed again, this time a little louder, prompting his bench coach to raise his eyebrows. The bench coach didn’t have to say anything; he knew what the manager was thinking. The manager reached for his sacred binder and started to toy with the lineup. The bench coach smiled while the third baseman looked out the train window into the dark abyss awaiting his fate.

Girardi alluded to various media outlets that he would do anything to win. That would mean moving around the batting order. Orioles are dangerous birds and they are 6-3 at Yankee Stadium this season. They can sniff out weakness. They are not your father’s Orioles. They are the T1000 Orioles and they are out for post-season blood. They will peck at your pitcher. That means you, Hiroki Kuroda. You may be pitching on seven days rest but you are by no means safe. Bird Barrier America makes a repellent to ward off unwanted predators but your hitters can offer their own bird barrier by giving you run support.

Are you being tormented by unwanted winged pests? Try our new Robinson Cano, available in lefty hitting power. And for your leadoff needs, there’s our patented Derek Jeter, the get-on-base maker. Run support: Your best defense against the Orioles.

At this moment something is brewing at Yankee Stadium. Possibly like this:

The Yankees manager leaned back in his chair, his desk cluttered with papers. The sacred managerial binder was on the floor, the pages ripped out as if by a rabid dog. “There is no Joe, only Zuul,” the manager sneered to no one. His empty office echoed with his words, as a crooked smile escaped his lips. Tonight he would go against the grain, against his gut, against his binder.

There’s a 99.9% chance that the lineup will not change and the Yankees will be down 2-1 in the series.  I am thisclose to becoming a full-time Tigers fan.


*See Diner. No really. See it. I’m not even American and I consider it to be a quintessential piece of American cinema. And it has Steve Guttenberg. People like him for some reason. Maybe he can pinch hit for A-Rod tonight?

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2 Responses to “The T1000 Orioles vs. The No-run Support Yankees”
  1. Elisabeth says:

    Writer’s update – MLB.com is reporting that Joe Girardi is keeping A-Rod in the 3-hole. So yeah…

  2. dudeabides says:

    99% chance of Yankees being down 2-1? Mr Ibanez on line 2 for you. He says he has a reality check for you.

    BTW, if you want to see how a postseason bullpen does its job, watch the Yankees. Certainly don’t watch the O’s/

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