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February 7, 2013 at 10:35 pm ET
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Indians GM Accidentally Drunk-Texts Joe Charboneau

Cleveland Indians GM Chris Antonetti should be thrilled. He’s added Mark Reynolds, Drew Stubbs and Nick Swisher to the team’s 2013 lineup. Reynolds, though prone to strikeouts, fits the power-profile of an AL first baseman. Stubbs brings speed and stability to what had been a crapulent outfield platoon. And of course, Swisher puts a star face on the franchise still best known for a 1989 comedy movie.

However, confidants report of Antonetti’s growing moodiness and malaise. Though his dance card is almost full, Antonetti can’t find anyone to fill that special place in his life—DH. After a sub-par and injury-plagued 2012 season, Chris told his longtime DH Travis Hafner, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and sent Hafner packing.

Yet when it came time to get back into the market and try new DHs, Antonetti couldn’t help but call his ex.

“Oh, I’d love to get together sometime,” Hafner told the Indians GM, “But I’ve got this thing with the Yankees now… I’m kind of busy. But it was good talking to you.”

Flustered, Antonetti backslid deeper into the team’s DH past and reached out to Jim Thome. Before flings with Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Los Angeles and Baltimore, Thome had spent 10 years linked to the Indian’s roster.

“We just loved Jim so much,” Antonetti says with a quaver in his lip. “Enough time has passed since we’ve broken up… I think it may be time for a reunion to see if that spark is still there.”

Thome, though unavailable for comment, has been reported as saying he “doesn’t do sloppy seconds.”

Should Antonetti be unable to ink Thome for another date with Cleveland, reports indicate the Tribe GM is prepared to post longing messages on Albert Belle’s Facebook wall. Other options include using some of that, quote, “Walking Dead stuff” on the corpse of Rocky Colavito and wheeling out a mannequin clad in Indians gear whenever a DH is needed.

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