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July 23, 2013 at 12:55 am ET
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What I’ll do on my PED Vacation, by Ryan Braun

Hey everybody, Ryan Braun here. Let me first thank Commissioner Selig for waiting until the Brewers slid out of contention acting quickly and fairly in levying my 65 game suspension for (allegedly) using PEDs. I know all my Braun’s Broads are probably crying into number 8 jerseys right now, but rest assured I got tons to do on my PED Vacation (also, Braun’s Broads, call me. I mean…I got some free time).

After I practice my baserunning, I’m going to devote myself to my true passion: finding a hair care product which truly maximizes the potential of my luxurious locks. Can’t a bro get some decent shampoo?

Then, me and A-Rod are going to ding-dong-ditch Selig’s house a few hundred times.

Once that’s done, the Brew Crew says I can make sure Miluakee Milwalky Milwaukee is spelled correctly on Brewer uniforms. Of course, I spell as well as I stay away from PEDs (allegedly), so it could get interesting.

…You know, I probably shouldn’t have written that thing about me and A-Rod. If someone leaves a flaming bag of dog poo on Bud Selig’s door, it definitely isn’t me (just like it isn’t me that used PEDs).

On the bright side of this whole fiasco, the 3.5 million I’m out for (allegedly) using ‘roids will bump me down a tax bracket. Can you say REFUND CHECK?! My ass is buying a boat.

My next idea came to me yesterday while I was slamming a sixer of Old Milwaukee Light and watching Ratatouille: I’ll work as head chef at the 8-Twelve, the restaurant I own with Aaron Rogers. If that French rat can cook, then why can’t this rat? Plus, I have some killer ideas for the special sauce on our burgers (FRENCH DRESSING, Y’ALL!).

Lastly—and most importantly—I maintain my innocence despite the giant piles of evidence. I mean, c’mon, this is America: where the laws are made up and the evidence doesn’t matter. The truth hasn’t changed. Just like my hero—O.J. Simpson—I will spend most of my PED vacation trying to find the real PED user.

…And for anyone who had my square in PED Denial Bingo, you totally owe me, bro.

Braun OUT.

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