â€śDonâ€™t be too proud of this technological terror youâ€™ve constructed.â€ť
– Mark Twain, from his book Cars, And All That Other Modern Bullshit I Hate
And for the baseball fan of any stripe larger than the Yanqui pin variety we all must by now understand the dig, the vibe, the gripe that is MLB.TV.
On paper – and as fans we live SO much of our lives on paper –Â MLB.TV is a godsend. A marvel of commerce finally getting it right. Every game you want for the phenomenal nominal fee of $125. Theyâ€™re practically GIVING it away.
So here is my first five days of the 2012 subscription:
Day One: Japaning Day!
Iâ€™m a dad. That means I havenâ€™t slept properly in six years. So at 3:a.m. on a Wednesday and I am waiting for Santa to come. Itâ€™s a pyrrhic Santa, built upon a misguided quest for half-arsed â€śYeah. Itâ€™s cool, but we really donâ€™t NEED need it globalismo. MLB could take over Japan and select parts of Taiwan and Korea as a military powerhouse if they wanted to. They have the bats. This is mere gravy for them.
So I get up early for the extravaganza of inconvenience that is â€śopening day.â€ť And wouldnâ€™t you just know itâ€¦THE GAME IS BLACKED OUT! Iâ€™m sacrificing productivity and well-needed shut-eye and for nuthinâ€™.
Day Two: More of The Same
So what is the freakinâ€™ deal, Buuuud? Itâ€™s the Aâ€™s! Local TV doesnâ€™t care. It is not as profitable in the wee hours as a Ron Popiel Pocket Vibro Chamois Mega Chop Juicemaniac, so why mumbletypeg the hand of fate?
Selig,Â Â at this pointÂ youâ€™re the Scott Norwood of commissioners. Oh, but you added another Wild Card team, so that makes it okay.
Day 3: The token â€śAmericanâ€ť Opening Day
Itâ€™s not a local team. Not a local team playing in a far away land. Not just two of the three least popular teams in one country playing in earthquake-ravaged former superpower land of inferior baseballâ€¦this is, The Miami Marlins!
So here is what MLB gives me:
Unreal, no?…Thatâ€™s right. Blacked out again. Because itâ€™s Opening Day Part 3. Makes perfect sense. With these modren brand new showcase ballparks you never know if theyâ€™re gonna nail it or cheese it like the mid-90â€™s Ballpark In Arling Town. Best to just present the cartoon narrative. No surprises. No fuss. No muss.
Day 4: Itâ€™s Padres v Dodgers!
Canâ€™t lose, right? No way there is a blackout. Iâ€™m 535 miles from San Diego. The game is being advertised as FREE by The League. What could possibly go worng?
Ainâ€™t it puuurdy?! Whiteâ€¦circular-patterned…dots. Oooooohhhhhhhâ€¦Wow. This went on for a good 15 minutes. Baseball is neeeaaat. Wish I could see it.
Iâ€™ve learned to miss the white circular dot pattern. That which gave hope is gone daddy gone. Dots have gone away. Now I must live in fear. Fear of what is next to drop from the Elysian radar.
Here is Houston v Colorado:
No one knows what tomorrow can bring. Once you recognize the beauty of a blank screen the world opens up in Zen-like lotus of nothingness and being. MLB TV so far being nothing, I got what I paid for.
UPDATE â€“ Day 6:
“We’re sorry. Due to Major League Baseball exclusivities, live games occurring each Saturday with a scheduled start time after 1:10 PM ET or before 7:05 PM ET and each Sunday with a scheduled start time after 5 PM ET will be blacked out in the United States (including the territories of Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands). Live audio of this game is available as part of your MLB.TV subscription. Â Got it. No baseball on Saturday. And this is the “Premium” MLB.TV.