Let the forthcoming message serve as a lesson to all of you out there that have ever felt compelled to make a bet with DC.
In short — don’t.
Chalk was talkin’ trash in emails last week about how the DEVIL Rays were going to steamroll through the Central winner in the LDS, so I chime in and said that if he thought the Rays would sweep the Twins (had they made it), that he would be wrong.
So I come up with the idea that should the Twins get in and force a Game 5 in the first round — win or lose, Chalk would have to write a piece declaring that Tampa Ain’t Shit Compared to the Twins. In his infinite wisdom, he asked me if I thought I were jinxing a team that had yet to clinch a playoff spot, to which I heartily replied “Hell fuck shit no.”
That would be my bad.
So, long story short, it is my duty to not only announce, but provide evidence, that the Minnesota Twins Ain’t Shit compared to the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays.
In the immortal words of Ben Stein, “I shall do my best.”
Look, Dioner Navarro is a fine player but the boy can’t carry Joe Mauer’s jock when it comes to the bidness of catchin’ and hittin’ and getting the most out of his pitchers. Then again, Navarro’s mates drink out of his jock so — I mean, seriously — how can you argue with that?
Talk about tools of ignorance. There isn’t a mouthwash on earth gonna get that aftertaste outta your mouth, Gomes.
And what about stealing Minnesota’s thunder? Gary Gaetti had been the first player in history to homer in each of his first two playoff at-bats as Minnesota’s man at the hot corner for the mythical ’87 champion. Then, rookie stud Evan Longoria goes and launches a pair in yesterday’s opener against the White Sox.
On the one hand, I love that he busted the Pale Hose but on the other hand kid picked up the hat trick at Minnesota’s expense a couple of weeks ago and it’s hard to ignore the fact that Longoria joined Gaetti while the G-Man is currently batting coach for the Triple A Durham Bulls — an affiliate of the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays. Coincidence? I think not. Tampa is leeching off of Minnesota’s past success and the bitch of it is — it’s working.
Nah, Gaetti was a very good, and for a short stretch spectacular player but Longoria is a franchise waiting to happen — power, glove, poise, leadership — and he wears number 3 so, Killebrew? Leave us the fuck alone, man!
And what about the Minnesota castoffs? Matt Garza was the Twins organizational pitcher of the year a couple season’s back before being dealt for Delmon Young last winter and delivering, hand’s down the most entertaining “I got you”‘s in history along with 11 wins for the AL East champion.
Think the Twins could have used Grant Balfour’s heat over the past six weeks of the season as the wheels were coming off the bullpen’s collective wagon? The Australian spent parts of three campaigns with Minnesota before being cut loose. Something tells me that Balfour’s 1.54 ERA and 82 K’s in less than 59 frames would have been a welcome bridge to Joe Nathan.
And let’s not even get into the Jason Bartlett discussion. The shortstop was practically a throw-in for the Rays in the DY/Garza deal, and all Bartlett did was bat .286, steal 20 bases, provide a solid glove up the middle and represent a rock in Joe Maddon’s clubhouse. Don’t believe me? On a first place squad that features the likes of Longoria, Carlos Pena, Carl Crawford, B.J. Upton and Scott Kazmir — Bartlett was voted the team’s Most Valuable Player.
And speaking of Maddon, the bespectacled skipper would make a better Vice President than Sarah Palin. I mean, home boy has better glasses (if you can believe that), is brighter and his leadership has completely turned a misguided franchise around in less than a full term. What has Palin done other than wink, award extra credit to third graders withoutÂ authorization and been nice to look at?
Oh, and if you don’t buy the bright thing, I once did a press conference with Ron Gardenhire and made the mistake of dropping the word “bevy” in a question. Gardy asked me what a bevy was — ten? I assured him that it was any number over twelve and the rest of the afternoon went swimmingly.
Maddon is a wine connoisseur, drops words like “stellar” and “intestinal fortitude” and is a mathematical genius, just a different class of cat. I mean, Tony Larussa is an attorney but when you listen to him speak, does he sound like an attorney or just somebody who plays one on TV?
Never mind that the Twins were the team Tampa beat to clinch its first ever playoff berth, because the DEVIL Rays are in while Minnesota winces through the TBS broadcasts like the rest of us.
And finally, I pity the fool that doesn’t appreciate the greatest mass-fan ‘do since Jay Buhner Shaved Head Night at the Kingdome — and clearly, David Chalk is no fool.
My Team Ain’t Shit Compared to the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays and unless the Halos find a way to right their ship, it’s not only possible but likely that none of your teams will be, either.
There, I said it, it’s done. Now will you please excuse me? I have to go throw up.
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