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August 9, 2007 at 12:10 am ET
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Asterisks Are Forever: A Barry Bonds Movie

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(As narrated by James Earl Jones)

The debut feature film from the Bugs & Cranks film studio.

The producers of previous Barry Bonds films: From Balco With Love, The Clear is Not Enough, OctoberPussy, License to Cheat, and For Greg Anderson Eyes Only; team up with the Bugs & Cranks film studio for the latest in their series of Bonds films.

The story begins in Pittsburgh, where young Bonds (Don Cheadle) makes his splash in the Steel City in the spring of 1986. We witness the highs of winning his first MVP, Gold Glove and Silver Slugger awards. And the lows of Sid Bream scoring from second base ahead of Bonds throw from left field; eliminating Pittsburgh in Game 7 of the NLCS.

The scene shifts to San Francisco as 1993 approaches. Barry Bonds (Mekhi Phifer) signs the largest contract ever seen in baseball to join the Giants. During his early Giant years Bonds cements his legacy as one of baseball all-time greats — making history with his power, speed, keen eye, golden glove, and laser throwing arm.

Barry Bonds is the talk of the baseball world and then comes the home run chase of 1998.

For the first time in his storied career Bonds finds himself on the outside looking in. The spotlight is fading; the headlines, and magazine covers are a thing of the past. What will our hero do? With a future hall of fame enshrinement already locked up; Bonds embarks on a new mission; to reclaim his spotlight.

It begins with a call to an old friend; Greg Anderson (Jose Canseco), and a visit to Balco Laboratories.

It ends with controversy, shattered records, grand jury testimony, and the wrath of baseball fans all over the world directed right at him.

Oh yes, Barry Bonds regains his spotlight, but at what price to the credibility of the game of baseball, and at what price to his own health?

Relive the grand jury testimony where Bonds (Michael Clarke Duncan) admits he unknowingly used illegal steroids; the clear and the cream,and decide for yourself. Has Barry Bonds set a new standard for excellence in baseball history, or should his legacy forever be marked by one little symbol? *

It’s an all-star cast.

Forrest Whitaker is splendiferous in nailing the role of Dusty Baker. All of Dusty classic cliches are here.. I didn’t  see anything dude. It’s too hot man. Dude, man, I don’t know anything.

Martin Landau gives an Oscar worthy performance as the stuttering, twitching, and back-pedaling baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.

American Idol Taylor Hicks makes his motion picture debut as Barry Bonds’s lapdog, ESPN’s Pedro Gomez.

And, Gary Coleman warms the screen with his portrayal of Darren Baker.

It’s Asterisks Are Forever, and it’s coming to theatres near you this fall.

Cast

Don Cheadle Barry Bonds (1986-1993)
Mekhi Phifer Barry Bonds (1994-1999)
Michael Clarke Duncan Barry Bonds (2000 – present)
Martin Landau Bud Selig
Danny Glover Bobby Bonds
Chuck D Willie Mays
Harry Dean Stanton Jim Leyland
Forrest Whitaker Dusty Baker
Gary Coleman Darren Baker
Rosie O’Donnell Brian Sabean
Kevin Costner Duane Kuiper
Barry Bostwick Mike Krukow
David Huddleston Jon Miller
Sherman Hemsley Joe Morgan
Taylor Hicks Pedro Gomez
John C. Reilly Bruce Bochy
Abe Vigoda Joe Torre
William Hurt Victor Conte
Jose Canseco Greg Anderson
Garth Brooks Troy Ellerman (Balco Attorney)
Special Appearance:
Halle Berry
Kim Bell
Shaquille O’Neal’s hands Kim Bell’s hands
Alex Rodriguez himself
Edward Norton Jeff Kent
LL Cool J Gary Sheffield
John Cho Byung Hyun Kim
Ethan Embry Clay Hensley
Baron Von Raschke Mike Bacsik
Steve Hulkower Crazed fan #1
David Chalk Crazed fan #2
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10 Responses to “Asterisks Are Forever: A Barry Bonds Movie”
  1. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Townie — Bravo. You’re like the second coming of Albert Broccoli.
    Other than the title, this is very funny and thankfully not mean-spirited — even I can admit there’s enough mockery to go around. But why am I only crazed fan #2?

  2. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my road ho. She’s called the OctoberPussy

  3. ChuckDickens says:

    Fan-fucking-tastic.

  4. Dan Tobin Dan Tobin says:

    Stupendous. And whoever came up with Sherman Helmsley as Joe Morgan deserves additional praise.

  5. Dwright5 says:

    Please find a way to make a trailer out of this. PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!!! Hilarious guys.

  6. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    Brilliant.

  7. Bada Bing says:

    I would rather see Gary Oldman as Jeff Kent. Otherwise, awesome job

  8. Brock says:

    One of the funniest pages I’ve ever read…I literally laughed for 20 minutes looking at Michael Clarke Duncan’s picture and imagining that voice playing Bonds of present…great work!

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