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June 22, 2010 at 12:00 pm ET
Woody Paige Will Fix The Rockies

Here’s the laundry list of crappy shitty Woody suggestions published in the Denver Post this morning… with a little thought from me attached to each.

1 — Trade relief help and Eric Young Jr. to the bullpen-starved Marlins for second baseman Dan Uggla

I’m in favor of anything that precludes the Marlins announcers from doing their stupid Dan Uggla HR call.

Except taking him on the Rockies.

Sure, they could use a little pop, but couldn’t they get a little pop — at a cheaper rates, with better defense and less strikeouts — from a guy like… oh… say… Jhonny Peralta?  Or Ty Wigginton?  Maybe not.

Also… Just say NO to Ryan Theriot.  And Cesar Izturis.  Those names are making my skin crawl.

2 — Trade catcher Chris Iannetta for a young first baseman.

To to say you want a young first baseman in return is one thing.  To find a team willing to part with a young first baseman is another.  To find a team that is willing to both trade a young first baseman and accept Chris Iannetta in return may be mission impossible.

3 — Release Jason Giambi after the end of interleague games.

Why wait?  You don’t think Seth Smith is capable of DHing for three days?

4 — Bring Dexter Fowler back from the Sky Sox to start in center field again.

This doesn’t even count as a suggestion.  This is going to happen and everyone already knows this is going to happen.

5 — Promote veteran outfielder Jay Payton to the major-league team as a pinch hitter and make Paul Phillips the backup catcher.

I guess we’re giving Giambi’s spot to Jay Payton?


Phillips I have no problem with.  Fills in admirably when called upon.  Very professioanl guy.

6 — Consider picking up Cory Sullivan, the former Rockies center fielder who has just been demoted by the Astros, or Springs first baseman Brad Eldred, as a left-handed pinch hitter.

At this point whatever Woody’s drinking is really starting to kick in.  Just taking notes here.  Fowler’s back up.  Payton’s up.  Now we’re thinking about adding Sullivan.  That’s seven outfielders.

Eldred is just a guy that hits the ball a mile once a week.  Let the fans in Colorado Springs continue to enjoy that.

7 –Agree with manager Jim Tracy to give Brad Hawpe a chance to play for a few days at first base, and make certain that Carlos Gonzalez hits third in the lineup every day.

It’s worth experimenting with Hawpe there.  I’ll give Woody this one on both accounts.

8 — And call up Kaz Matsui as the backup at second and/or acquire second baseman Akinori Iwamura from the Pirates’ organization for either Greg Smith or Chaz Roe, each a starter in Colorado Springs.

He loses me again.  What do either of these guys offer you that’s guaranteed to be better than Jonathan Herrara or Chris Nelson?

9 – Go with a rotation in July of the four J’s (in this order) — Ubaldo Jimenez, Jhoulys Chacin, Jeff Francis and Jorge De La Rosa, and Aaron Cook and Jason Hammel alternating as the fifth starter (unless Hammel remains on his recent roll).

The stupidity here leaps off the Paige.  Alternating the 5th starter is almost as asinine as Clint Hurdle’s short-lived four-man rotation gimmick.  Making Jason Hammel one-half of that platoon cannot even be summed up in words.

10 – The batting order would be: Fowler CF, Smith/Spilborghs LF, Gonzalez RF, Uggla 2B, Hawpe 1B, Stewart 3B, Olivo C, Barmes SS, pitcher. Todd Helton goes to the bench.

And here’s that bench again.  Helton, Smith/Spilborghs, Phillips, Payton, Sullivan/Eldred, Matsui/Iwamura.  He never mentioned Melvin Mora, Jonathan Herrera or Chris Nelson.   Are we to assume they’re all sent out as well, leaving the Rockies with one of the least flexible NL benches ever put together?  Or do we assume the Rockies will go with an eight man pitching staff?

In conclusion.

If Woody Paige were running the Rockies, the team would most certainly accomplish the impossible.  By that I mean, the Rockies would most certainly catch the Diamondbacks for last place in the NL West.

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3 Responses to “Woody Paige Will Fix The Rockies”
  1. Blake says:

    I’m embarrassed to live in the same town as that guy. That show “Around the Horn” has to be one of the 3 worst sports shows on tv.

  2. Saint says:

    I’ve refused to read a word by Woody Paige since his racist introduction of new Nugget Dikembe Mutombo to Denver readers — the majority of whom probably didn’t see the problem with it. (Thanks a lot for forcing me to read him here, dude.) Cancelled my Post subscription that day. Even moved across the country to get away from that know-nothing.

    OK, that had nothing to do with it. But he’s still a moron. Cory Sullivan?

    My two cents (worth exactly two cents more than Woody Paige’s): I see Hawpe going before anyone. Great arm. Good power. But uncoachable, at least by the Rox. He needs his butt kicked. “Two Strikes! Shorten the Stroke, Meat!” Then throw it at his head. Maybe like “Dodgeball.” Don Baylor in a wheelchair: “If you can dodge a wrench …” Holes in the swing? Man, he’s hard to watch.

    Keep Barmes at 2B and put EY Dos at SS. Why screw with Barmes’ defense. He’s been great, and he might go into an even bigger offensive slump. Besides, don’t you need to know if Young can play? Kaz Matsui was awesome for the Rox, but let’s not live in the past.

    Keep Dexter Fowler at Colorado Springs. Put him on a diet of creatine shakes and buffalo burgers with split bratwursts on top. Is the bat too big, aka Roberto Mejia … compensating for something? Maybe. Anyway, don’t call him up until he weighs at least 135 pounds.

    Putt Todd Helton on the DL. I don’t care if he’s not “hurt.” A GM’s gotta be creative sometimes, you know? Give him a week off, then send him on a “rehab” assignment to the Springs. He can be an onfield coach there for the youngsters and get a head start on his coaching career. Meanwhile, he can mash a little and perhaps find his stroke. My (again, worthless) opinion: He thinks he’s an ump. That he knows the strike zone better than anybody. And he’d rather walk than suffer a line-drive “at ‘em.” Not like him at all. Shut up and swing. Let god sort them out.

    Aaron Cook: Reverse things. Franklin Morales pitches 1st and second innings. Then Cookie trots out of the pen. At least then, Cook might have some seventh-inning stats.

    Chris Iannetta: Double A. “Have we got your attention, son?”

    Everyday OF: Spilly, Gonzales and Seth Smith. We need to know (Ryan, WTF?) whether Spillborghs and Smith are legit full time. Every time Carlos G is up, it’s like, “Jesus, something big could happen here.” When Spilly’s up, I’m thinking, “Jesus, let the frigging slider go. Or at least shoot it toward right field.”

    Manny Corpas: Can’t seem to thrive unless the pressure’s intense. I say, bring him in with a four-run lead and tell him, “If one run scores, we take one finger (left hand). Two score, we take one finger (right hand). Three runs? One finger from each hand and one testicle. Tie ballgame? You don’t want a tie ballgame, Manny. Trust us.”

    In short, the problem is not with the heart of this team, it’s with the head.

    Thanks for listening.

  3. Blake says:

    Saint! That was the best Rockies comment I think I’ve ever read!!

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