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March 6, 2009 at 11:55 pm ET
Bronson Arroyo Makes Homer Bailey Look Like Aaron Harang: An Inspiring Tale of House Boat Ownership

I find it odd that a multitude of Brewer fans expend so much of their energy hating the Cubs and their fans. As annoying as the team’s loveable loser mentality, the ever-growing mass of Midwesterners sporting a default C on their caps, the odd exaltation of Old Style (made in Wisconsin, mind you) and profane payroll might be, they’ve fielded some pretty good teams of late. I’ll even admit I’ve looked beyond this newly manufactured rivalry in the past to find a Cubbie I’ve respected in the past.

After wearing myself out arguing with Cubs fans, futilely campaigning my Brewers allegiance to anyone with a bear on their shirt and dying a little more every time I saw some trust fund kid wearing a Japanese headband whilst e-mailing on his Blackberry – I simply decided to step back and remove myself from the Brewers/Cubs battlefield to better focus my fan rage on an equally douchy, yet singular foe. Bronson Arroyo.

I was willing to overlook Arroyo when he was a member of the Pirates – mainly because I actually failed to notice him. He was terrible, and on the Pirates. Even as the corn rowed cog in the immortalized (and over hyped) 2004 Red Sox, I was indifferent. But when he was traded to Cincinnati in 2006 my exposure and, in turn, my hatred of him grew exponentially.

Bronson Arroyo the pitcher is fairly forgettable. Apart from floating near the league lead in hit batsmen annually and perpetuating the tired “helping his own cause” cliché with his bat, he’s probably an upper echelon run of the mill-type hurler. Yet he’ll survive the revisions to the book of baseball lore because of what he represents off the field. What Freddie Mitchell was to professional wrestling football, Arroyo – in all his bleached hair, strumming cover songs on an acoustic guitar and crooning in Scott Stapp vibrato, “free spirit” glory – is to Major League Baseball.

The latest reminder of Arroyo’s asshattery came to me via the aptly titled article “Arroyo at home on his boat,” which is, of course, a hard-hitting feature chronicling the Red blonde head’s predictable residency on his boat “Nasty Hook” during spring training. In it, Bronson allows us to climb into his, not surprisingly roomy, skull to float around his psyche, drop anchor within the calm waters of his soul, and drift aimlessly in his spiritual domicile.

“It’s a different feel than you would get living anywhere on land,” Arroyo says.

Whoa, Bron – Mon!!! You mean you live in this thing (for a few weeks each year)? That must be so freeing of the constraints of working up to (but usually not) six innings every five days or so? I bet when you’re done desperately clinging to the ass end of a bad team’s rotation you’re just laying out on deck grabbing some rays, sipping a uniquely “drinkable” Bud Light and showing some tasty babes your renditions of popular O.A.R. songs. That must be fucking awesome, bro.

“Being out here at the dock every night, it’s so peaceful. You sit out here and listen to the birds and have dinner as you wind down from the day,” he says.

Awesome. And forget that you’re 31 and have only posted an E.R.A. in the 3’s just once as a full-time starter; the Florida coast is your pitching coach now, Broseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Plus, this idea is so original… I mean aside from almost every psudo-spiritual tool doing something kind of like this in movies and reality. Float on, Brodmethius – I mean, who knows how long you can ride out this 30-something living on a boat sometimes in futile effort to make people buy into the thought some hack pitcher is a free spirit living on a boat.

But you can’t be somehow employed to participate in professional baseball games play forever. In fact, I guess most people will soon catch on to this image as a front to obscure your overall crappiness, right? Any plans for retirement.

“Break out the lights and the smoke machines and they’ll be dancing on the top deck and below,” Arroyo says.

I’m done. My head is going to explode. But do you see what I mean, Brewer fans? Why bother piling all that Cubs hatred into your black hearts, when it takes much less effort to hate this one chatchface just for being himself?

In closing

I rest my case.

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7 Responses to “Bronson Arroyo Makes Homer Bailey Look Like Aaron Harang: An Inspiring Tale of House Boat Ownership”
  1. Hugh Jorgan says:

    Here in Boston,rumor was,this shitstain had more VD than Divine Brown’s bunghole.He put more crust on chicks lips than an orgy of Rusty Trombones.As sad as we are to see him play guitar,chicks we’re even more pissed when they realized they played his crunk-infested organ.They filled the message boards about the danger of slurping on his skin flute.

  2. Just for reference, you’re not the only one with contempt:


  3. (God, I’ll bet any sort of money that he’s a giant, sensitive douche in person.)

  4. Whit Benson says:

    “Average” run of the mill d-bag was better than Josh Beckett in the second half last year. Have fun watching Jeff Suppan on opening day.

  5. Joe says:

    Have fun being a Reds fan looking up at the Brewers in the standing for yet another year. It’s supposed to be an off year for the Crew, but they’ll still finish second in the division.

  6. Wes says:

    You got to love Bronson….


    Chicago Blows, Reds finish above the Brewers in 2009.

  7. Alan says:

    This just in: It turns out all that guitar playing gave him carpal tunnel.

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