The fates of George Webb Restaurants and the Milwaukee Brewers are intertwined in ways that even Sophocles and Shakespeare could not have envisioned. No fewer than 162 times per year, George Webb predicts that the Brewers will score at least five runs. When they do, you get six tasty George Webb burgers for five dollars. In fact, some even claim that George Webb honored this deal during spring training this year.
So last night, yet again, the Brewers scored that delicious, wholesome, sizzling, all-beef fifth run, and it’s only fair to spread the burgers out among the key contributors:
Carsten Charles Sabathia, Jr.: This young man just flew in from Cleveland to join the team. His name is Carsten, he’s from California, and he throws a 97mph fastball, apparently even in the late innings. Say it with me: “Hello Carsten.” You were probably not thrilled with your five walks, but you got some big outs when you needed to, and gave up only 2 ER in 6.0 IP with what seemed to be a constantly-evolving strike zone. Here’s a George Webb burger for you, Carsten. Welcome to Wisconsin. Are you going to finish those fries? Sorry…dumb question.
Ryan Braun: You are probably still not 100%, but that’s never stopped you from crushing the ball before. Let’s hope the glass on that Metavante club is really plexiglass or something shatter-resistant. If not, someone could get hurt. Nice 3-run homer. Here’s your burger. I know you’re also from California so you probably prefer the In-and-Out Burger, but try one of these. You’re on a fixed income now, and for caloric-intake-per-dollar, these are hard to beat.
Rickie Weeks: 3-for-5. A big, big night for you, Rickie. Have this burger. Way better than anything they have down in Florida.
Bill Hall: That 2-RBI single put the game away. And off a right handed pitcher, no less? Here’s your burger. Oh…wait, better spit out your Skoal first. It’s OK, we’re at George Webb’s. They won’t care, they’re really nice about that stuff here.
David Riske: You clearly didn’t want to let down your old pal Carsten from Cleveland, and you came up big for him. Probably your best inning of work since you came back from injury. Here’s your burger. It ok if you can’t finish the whole thing. Carsten will finish it for you.
Le Releveur: Mr. Gagne, you, too, are looking solid since coming back from an injury (or, perhaps just an “injury”). Nice job with that DP ball in the eighth. Here’s your burger. Sorry, they don’t have Quebec poutine here. But they could probably rustle up some Mayo for your fries. Maybe with that big contract you could open up the first-ever George Webb in Canadia. Think about it. Well done tonight, monsieur.
Well, that’s all six burgers. If you think Bugs & Cranks has denied anyone their rightfully-earned burger, send in your comment below.