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January 27, 2009 at 11:00 pm ET
Taking a Closer Look at Craig Counsell’s Incentives

It takes more than $1M to win Counsell's favor. It also takes Webkinz, fieldtrips.The Brewers and pre-teen utility man Craig Counsell reached an agreement yet again, as a one-year/$1M contract was made official after a team pediatrician gave the OK on Monday.

The persistent tike hit just .226 with 14 RBI in over 100 games last season, but drew 46 walks in limited time and proved a capable reserve option at three infield positions. Though powerless and almost embarrassing to watch, Counsell also offers Milwaukee a much-needed left-handed bat.

I’m personally sick of Craig Counsell. I was actually glad to see Milwaukee decline his $3.4M option earlier this offseason. I was ready to bid a final farewell to MLB’s lightest-hitting geeky middle school student, but alas; fate, familiarity and a soft economy hath delivered a reunion.

Aside from the previously stated positives of dealing with another year of Counsell’s tiresome bat flailing, the mere $1M price tag to acquire the seasoned two-time World Series champion makes the acquisition significantly more palatable – at least until one factors in the incentives that come with inking a “player” or Counsell’s variety…

I’ve obtained a draft of, what I believe to be Craig Counsell’s contract, and would like to share some of the less publicized stipulations of the agreement:

1. Unlimited Big League Chew and soft drinks during games (non-caffeinated clause for weekday night games).
2. Autographed “Twilight” movie poster.
3. A team-employee to serve as a personal advisor in matters of kissing girls, standing up to bullies and long division.
4. A new Webkinz to serve as company during long roadtrips.
5. The complete leather-bound “Goosebumps” book series by R.L. Stine.
6. Another team employee to assist in all monster-checking and spider-squishing needs as they arise.
7. A team fossil hunting expedition and pizza party within a week of his August 21 birthday.
8. Optional bereavement leave for Tuesday Boy Scout meetings, Friday karate lessons.
9. Permission to hit right-handed in batting practice once “just for fun.”
10. Permanent “shotgun” on team bus.
11. Periodic limo rides to and from mall arcade.
12. First “dibs” on any and all pet-like creatures that venture on playing field during games.
13. 10 p.m. bedtime, 11 on weekends!
14. No expectations to perform well (Carried over from previous two Brewers stints).

All things considered, that’s still not too hefty a toll for an experienced player with a versatile glove and well-liked clubhouse presence. Though I was ready for Craigers to fly the coop once and for all, I’ll try to cherish this opportunity to watch his transformation from awkward teenager to adult.

Update: After further research, it appears Craig Counsell is not an 11-year-old boy, but rather a 38-year-old man. You truly do learn something every day.

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5 Responses to “Taking a Closer Look at Craig Counsell’s Incentives”
  1. coops2001 says:

    The funny thing is that his .226 BA in 2008 was actually an improvment on his .220 BA in 2007.

  2. Irabu's Son says:

    This is hilarious!!

    “Though powerless and almost embarrassing to watch..”


  3. coops2001 says:

    “almost embarrassing to watch”? Where does embarrasing start. Mendoza line?

  4. ian says:

    I’m happy we have craig for another year, if only for more of these articles.

  5. theSLIDER9 says:

    i agree with irabu’s son….he can’t hit shit

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