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April 2, 2012 at 7:54 pm ET
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How to Sell an Aging Outfielder

It’s that time of the year again.

The weather is warming, flowers are blooming, the days are stretching and middle-aged men are cavorting around fields in polyester pants.

Yes, spring is here. And now it’s your job to put together a winning team.¬†A long winter of crunching numbers and smooth-talking agents has come down to a fateful month of merciless cuts and half-assed rounds of golf.

Most players have emerged from their four-month hibernation full of energy and BSOHL, ready to make your life a bit easier. A select few, however, were expected to blossom but are struggling. They just aren’t getting enough florigen transported to their shoot tip, if you know what I mean.

It is these unlucky few who demonstrate that Thoreau had it wrong. Spring is not an experience in immortality, not for everyone. It may apply unconditionally to the forces of nature, but not to the overweight Venezuelan waddling around in the unforgiving Tempe sun.

These players may have held value at one time, but the growing inverse relationship between negative media attention and in-game performance has you looking for a quick out. It is this problem we are here to help you address with our easy to use four-step guide:

________

So, You’ve Got an Old, Whining Bobby Abreu and Nowhere to Put Him

Don’t panic.¬†

We’ve all been there, so it’s no use blaming yourself. There’s just no telling when age-onset crotchetiness will set in.¬†

You probably should have seen the physical decline coming (that’s all on you), but ornery-old-man syndrome is much harder to detect.

One minute everything is hunky-dory, the next he’s making outrageous claims about disrespect and yelling at you to get off his lawn.

Now all you want to do is get rid of him but you’re just not sure how.¬†

Well, we’re here to help.¬†

All you need to do is follow our four steps for successfully marketing him to an opposing team the Giants:

1. ‘VETERAN PRESENCE’ THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

Meaning: Talk up the positive veteran influence he brings to the team every chance you get. Never mind that it likely isn’t true. So what if players can’t actually develop a better eye just by watching Abreu take pitches. The guy is in his 17th Major League season; at this point he’s just assumed to be oozing sage advice for the youngsters. Don’t let anyone think for a second that this isn’t the case.

2. CALL BRYAN SABEAN AND/OR BRUCE BOCHY

Once the ‘veteran presence’ bait has been set, these two are sure to bite. It shouldn’t be an issue that they have nowhere to play him, these are men who willingly started Aubrey Huff in 150 games last season at the expense of Brandon Belt, and are planning to do it again this year. Seriously.

3. MAKE UP REACHABLE MILESTONE NUMBERS

Marketing departments love themselves some PR stunts, no matter how arbitrary. Bobby has the chance to reach 2,500 hits and join the 300 HR/300 SB club this season. You may say there’s no way he’ll actually reach those numbers. I say they don’t know that yet.

4. CALL BRYAN SABEAN AGAIN

Barry Zito. Still on the roster.

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