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June 26, 2007 at 8:42 am ET
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Help wanted: Job openings for Farnsworth

It’s clear that when – not if – the Yankees let Kyle Farnsworth go, it will boost the nation’s unemployment rate, albeit by only one man. Fire-hurling relief pitcher with fastball he refuses to throw will pitch for food.

But the Yankees fan I am, I took it upon myself to search the internet for employment opportunities for Farnsworth. Since he’s been involved with the game his entire life, I decided to search exclusively within Major League Baseball.

Now that I’ve watched him mangle leads with the Yankees, I cannot in good faith suggest trading him to other teams to pitch for them. Instead I researched behind-the-scenes roles that I feel better speak to this young gun’s talents.  This is what I’ve uncovered thus far:

  • The Cleveland Indians have an opening for a mascot handler, which as best I can understand is an administrative assistant to the Indian mascot, Slider. I think this is an excellent career transition for Farnsworth and one that provides ample opportunity for professional growth. Besides, he is accustomed to a supporting role and not ready to jump right in to the mascot costume just yet. Who knows – if Kyle puts in the effort, learns the ins and outs of mascot entertainment, one day he could be the Indians mascot, or another team’s mascot. There is one point in the job advertisement that may cause him problems. The position calls for the “ability to work all home games, including evening, weekends, and various outside appearances.” And let’s not kid ourselves, Kyle – your track record is less-than-stellar in games, home or away, day or night. But that point excluded, I believe in Kyle and think he has the fire and determination to make this work. Pay is $9 per hour.
  • The Atlanta Braves are looking for a go-getter to assist them in selling luxury seats for home games. I don’t mean to sound discouraging as I know how difficult a job search can be – I’ve been there, Kyle. But this position speaks to skills you currently do not possess. Sadly, the job asks for someone with the ability to work long hours as well as being able “to work effectively and independently with diverse groups of people.” Not to split hairs, Kyle, but you have not been able to work independently on the mound all year. And you proved you could not work with diverse groups of people in the past – the Yankees and Cubs as examples. I’m not even going to get into the long hours request with you. Pay is commiserate with experience, so what say you we ask for minimum wage, champ?
  • The Pittsburgh Pirates are searching for Security/Groundskeeper personnel. ARRRRR, matey, this is the one for you! The way you handled that bat in the eighth inning Sunday after giving up three hits and three runs – splintering that Louisville slugger so effectively in the dugout – leads me to believe you will handle security promptly. And as far as a groundskeeper – who knows left-center, deep-center, right-center, deep right, shallow left, up the middle, down the line better than you? You’ve been scattering hits all over the outfield – certainly you must have opinions on how this terrain can be cared for.

That’s all I got for now, Kyle, but hang in there – us Yankees fans do not intend to make you beg for your meals.

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