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October 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm ET
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A Letter From the Nervous Oriole

Dear Joe Maddon,

Sure, James Shields is supposed to start for the Rays this evening against Baltimore. But wouldn’t you … y’know,  rather get a look at some unproven arm from single-A ball?

Listen, last night’s win over the Orioles was fine and all. But that’s so 15 hours ago. The Rays were still alive in the wild card race at 10 o’clock last night. Around 1 am, when the A’s completed a kind of shocking comeback against Texas, your guys were pronounced dead. Nice season, Tampa Bay. Handshakes all around.

But hey … how ’bout those Durham Bulls, right? Huh? Am I right? Let’s let some of those minor leaguers get a little airtime on the Sunshine Network, or whatever that cable outfit in Florida is called.

The Orioles desperately need a win tonight to keep pace with the Yankees. Because let’s face it, the Red Sox are face-down in the water like chum for the Bombers. Boston is so checked out, they’re getting bills for the mini bar and Spectravision. They’re so checked out, no one’s leaving the complimentary USA Today outside the room. They’re so checked …

OK, smitty. We got it.

Ahem. Sorry. Look, my point is Tampa’s got nothing to play for. Hell, you barely had anything to play for when you were in the race: The worst ballpark in North America. Tepid fans. Luke Scott’s Amish sideburns.

Plus, there’s that weird aquarium full of actual rays in right center field. How many peanuts have to land in that tank? How many drunks have to dump their beers in that tank? How many filthy, cotton-candy-coated hands must be rinsed in that tank before you face the terrible truths that 1) that’s just cruel and 2) it’s also kind of gross.

Look, I’m sorry. If you want a shallow tank full of imprisoned majestic sea creatures in your field of play, that’s your business. But you’re done. No postseason in St. Pete this year. So do your division, your league and country a favor: make like Red Sox tonight and roll over.


The Nervous Oriole

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One Response to “A Letter From the Nervous Oriole”
  1. O's fan in NY says:

    Well don’t we feel silly? O’s beat T.B. against an unbelievable 15 K performance, and the Sawx crumble like dried toast after a 2 run lead in the 9th to Raul Ibanez in that inning an the 12th. What a bunch of losers.

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