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January 30, 2010 at 11:13 am ET
Do you have a baseball problem?

An actual Reds-Marlins game.

We’re always looking out for you, Bugs&Cranks reader.

Today, we’re going to explore whether your baseball obsession has gotten out of hand. We’ve devised a highly sensitive scientific test to determine just¬†how bad your addiction is.

And just so you don’t feel picked on, we’ll take the test with you.

The test is simple. We’ve compiled a list of sporting events and, one by one, we’ll match your interest in those sporting events against your interest in watching the Cincinnati Reds at the Florida Marlins. Why the Reds-Fish at LandShark? Because that strikes me as just about the least interesting game that your favorite sport can offer. Struggling, small-market teams playing in an empty football stadium. If you’re a fan of either of those teams, then I offer my sincere apologies, along with my sincere condolences. You may replace the teams with Baltimore at Kansas City or Pittsburgh at Washington.

1. Would you rather watch the men’s finals of the Australian Open or the Reds at the Marlins?

The mens’ finals are this weekend. Do you know who’s in them? I don’t. I know Nedal, the guy with the pants, got hurt a week or so ago. But as far as I know, the other guy, Roger Federerer, is still in it. That’s it. That’s all I know. Women’s tennis is a little more interesting, if only because the matches are shorter. So … if the Reds and Marlins were on opposite the Australian Open finals, what do you watch?

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer: Tennis, by a nose.

2. Would you rather watch the Winter Olympics or the Reds at the Marlins?

And when I say Winter Olympics, I don’t just mean the cool stuff that you like. I mean all of it. Sure, a hockey game once in a while. But with that comes ice dancing, that skiing-shooting thing and all of those athlete profile packages that NBC force feeds you. The Olympics are one thing. The Winter Olympics? They just seem made up. I mean, there’s something about the 100-meter dash that is sport at its most elemental. But snowboarding? Don’t get me wrong, the ski jump is cool — in fact, if the Winter Olympics were nothing but the ski jump, I might actually watch — but it’s not enough.

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer:¬†To me, this is easy. Reds-Marlins.

3. Would you rather watch the Pro Bowl or the Reds at the Marlins?

I hate that the Super Bowl is two weeks from the conference championships. I understand it, but I hate it. Two weeks? That Saints-Vikings game set all kinds of TV ratings records last Sunday. And now fans have to wait a fortnight for football. But no! The NFL is experimenting this year and is putting on the Pro Bowl the week before the Super Bowl. AKA, this weekend. So, you gonna watch the NFL all-star game?

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer: Play it whenever you want. I’m not watching it. The Pro Bowl makes the Reds-Marlins look like Game 7. Pick baseball.

4. Would you rather watch UConn at Tennessee women’s basketball or the Reds at the Marlins?

Two storied programs. Two legendary coaches. A two-hour nap.

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer:¬†I’m sorry. Reds-Marlins.

5. Would you rather watch the Little League World Series or the Reds at the Marlins?

This is another gimme. I actually HAVE watched the Reds-Marlins instead of the Little League World Series. A few years back, there was a lively debate here at Bugs&Cranks about whether the LLWS was inspirational and pure or creepy and wrong. I cemented my status as a grouch when I voted the for the latter. I’ll say it again, though: there’s no way that 11-year-olds should be playing baseball on ESPN for two weeks. No way. It’s too much pressure on kids. The event itself is too corporate. (Sponsored by Pepsi and KFC!) And it’s brutally boring to watch.

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer: I’d rather watch the Reds-Marlins barnstorm across the country every night than watch an inning of the LLWS.

6. Would you rather watch the Farmer’s Insurance Open or the Reds at the Marlins?

I’d pick one of the majors over the Reds-Marlins. And maybe one of the tournaments leading up to a major. But this one is pretty dull. Phil Mickelson got accused of cheating and it’s still isn’t interesting. I’m not one of the people who’ll tell you golf is in trouble with Tiger Woods at sex camp. But the only reason to watch golf in January is to doze off dreaming of warm weather.

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer: Reds-Marlins.

7. Would you rather watch Fulham at Aston Villa or the Reds at the Marlins?

I’ve gotten more interested in soccer over in the past few years. It’s seriously entertaining. And the English Premiership is great fun on Saturday and Sunday mornings. You ever go to a bar in your city that opens at 9 AM s0 you can watch Milwall and Burnley in the FA Cup? That’s awesome. The party atmosphere pushes this contest across the finish line.

Your answer: ___________

Smitty’s answer: Go you Villians! I’ll take the soccer.

So, how’d you do?

If you said you’d rather watch five or more of the above events than the Reds-Marlins game, congratulations. You’re a well-rounded, worldly individual.

If the total was three or more, you might want to think about getting out more. Maybe join a book club or something.

If the total was less than three, then it’s likely that you have very few friends and a desperate existance.

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5 Responses to “Do you have a baseball problem?”
  1. xolager says:

    1. Reds-Marlins
    2. Winter Olympics, but the fact it’s a once-in-four-years-event has everything to do with it
    3. Reds-Marlins (I’d even chose a Reds spring training inter-squad game)
    4. Who? Reds-Marlins
    5. I have no problem watching kids have their dreams crushed in front of millions (it’s even fun to bet on), LLWS
    6. Reds-Marlins
    7. I used to go to my local pub early in the AM to watch soccer, but that was mostly an excuse to drink beer before I’m supposed to. If they were both on at 9 AM, and Erdinger Dunkel was on tap, I’d take Reds-Marlins

  2. 2Chance says:

    Winter Olympics gets the only nod over Reds-Marlins.
    I think I may need professional help.

  3. Irabu's Son says:

    I’m going with Winter Olympics and the Little League World Series.

    But I’d rather watch women’s college volleyball than most anything. Ever see those buns???

  4. Kro says:

    For me it was Reds-Marlins 7-0. However, had it gone head-to-head against pro bowling action, the latter would win in a rout. And Smitty, I’m with you on the LLWS, though the crushed dreams in front of millions noted by xolager may have me rethinking that stance.

  5. Mark Cartier says:

    Seems my life is more empty than I originally thought….

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