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Bugs & Cranks
November 11, 2007 at 9:05 pm ET
He’s a comic genius.

“Dude, it’s funny as shit! You should listen to it! It’s, like, a bunch of guys on the radio and they just bullshit all morning. And sometimes naked girls come in and they talk to the naked girls. Dude, I’m tellin’ ya! It’s awesome!”

By now you may have heard about Orioles DH Aubrey Huff’s wacky guest appearance Thursday with some assclownHe's a real stitch, that Huff. named Bubba the Love Sponge on Sirius Satellite Radio.

Huff used that lofty forum to opine that Baltimore, the city that’s home to the people who pay his salary, is “horseshit.”

Nice, Aubrey. Thanks, big guy.

By way of an explanation, Huff told the Baltimore Sun’s Roch Kubatko, “If anybody’s heard [Bubba the Love Sponge], or Howard Stern’s show, it’s a shock jock show, so everything’s flying. You’ve got four guys in there, including me, and we’re talking about all sorts of stuff, including bars and restaurants, and how the two cities are different. I said Baltimore was horses – – for that. After games, places are closed down. There’s no place to go.”

Yeah, Aubrey, we understand. You were just riffing. It was intense. Your creativity and your razor wit just got the best of you.

“That show is an act,” he went on. “I was being an actor. The guys on the show are acting. By no means is that my personality. If people think I offended them, I can apologize, but I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong.”

Listen, Aubrey, here’s a tip: how about acting a little more like a lefthanded power hitter with men on base once in a while? Or acting like you give a shit when your team stinks? Or acting like fans are more than just an annoyance? How about acting like that for a while?

And anyway, don’t hide behind the “acting.” There are boneheads all over the country who listen to Bubba the Love Sponge and don’t know anyone’s “acting.” They think the “Homeless Beauty Pageant” is the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. And they think there’s a place where fat and ugly and angry guys live in strip joints and get lap dances all day and night. So, the “acting” excuse is pretty convenient when you go on the show and step in a pile of shit. It might be better to just tell Oriole fans you’re sorry.

It’s a great temptation for me to declare Aubrey Huff a first-class chump who hit his mighty 15 homers and drove in his stupendous 72 runs in his first year for the O’s. But, chances are, despite his best efforts, club president Andy MacPhail won’t be able to unload Huff and the rest of his three-year, $20 million deal. So Baltimore is likely stuck with Aubrey Huff. (And vice versa.) Might as well cut him some slack for now.

But Aubrey, buddy, call me. I happen to know the city of Baltimore doesn’t close down late at night. It’s not Tampa or Ybor City or St. Pete Beach. But it’s not Mayberry, either. Give it a chance. And do us (and your career) a favor: stay away from Bubba.

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2 Responses to “He’s a comic genius.”
  1. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Smitty, just out of curiosity — what time the bars close in Balmer? About all I know of the Baltimore nightlife is what I heard on Don & Mike back in the day — Natty Boh’s? Hammerjacks?

  2. People still drink the Natty Boh. But Hammerjack’s is long gone. They flattened it when they built the Ravens’ stadium. They tried moving it to Guilford Avenue, but it didn’t catch on.

    Meanwhile, Fells Point, Canton, Federal Hill are the kinds of places that guys like Aubrey Huff love: full of beer specials and college cuties until 2 am. After that, the after-hours joints are open until sun-up. And Ram’s Head, the Recher, Fletcher’s, Ottobar (even lame places like the 8×10) – the city’s now crawling with places to see bands. Certainly more than Tampa.

    I don’t know, but I’d bet Huff’s never been anywhere but the airport and the Inner Harbor. He’s mad ’cause Hooters and Little Italy close as soon as he finishes his nightly oh-fer-four.

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