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August 13, 2008 at 11:18 am ET
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Orioles Sign Phelps to Pitch, Play Short

Newest Oriole Michael Phelps will not be required to wear pants.After last night’s ghastly loss in Cleveland, the Orioles announced that they’ve reached an agreement with Baltimore hometown hero Michael Phelps.

“Let’s face it, the kid knows how to win,” said Orioles poobah Andy MacPhail. “We’re looking forward to getting him in here and turning things around.”

O’s Manager Dave Trembley has penciled in Phelps as the team’s number two-through-five starting pitcher, as well as its full-time shortstop. “We have a few holes and this Phelps kid’s gonna plug ‘em all.”

Terms of Phelps’ Oriole contract were not disclosed, but MacPhail did say that the Baltimore native would not be required to wear pants. “He can go ahead and just wear those low-rider things. We’ll put a bird on that little rubber hat of his. That should be enough.”

The loss in Cleveland Tuesday was particularly painful. Terrible defense and bad pitching gave Baltimore’s hot bats no chance to win. The Birds want Phelps to change that. “Pitching, defense, baserunning, clutch hitting – Phelps will do it all for us,” Trembley said. “He’s going to bring us back to glory.”

The newest Oriole will join the team after a prior commitment in Beijing.

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