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January 8, 2014 at 12:01 am ET
The Slumber of Dan Duquette

Dan? Dan! Wake up, Dan!

H-hunh? I’m awake! I’m awake! What is it?!

It’s January, Dan! Twenty- fourteen!

Yeah … so?

So you gotta get a team together! You don’t have any pitchers! Pitchers, Dan!

I got pitchers. Whaddya mean, I don’t have any pitchers?

Uh … good pitchers, Dan. Major league pitchers.

Hell-ooo? Chris Tillman? Miguel Gonzalez? Dylan Bundy? Kevin Gausman? Wei-Yin Chen? Ever hearda those guys?

That’s your opening day rotation?

No, no. I’m gonna get somebody else. A number one.

Are you, Dan? Are you really?

Sure! I’m just … waiting.

You’re not waiting, Dan! You’re snoozing!



Well, whatever. You think I’m not busting my hump? How ‘bout David Lough? Or Francisco Peguero?

Great! You have 13 triple-A left fielders! How about a closer?

Well … we did get Jemile Weeks for Jim Johnson.

Can’t hit, doesn’t get on base. The total package, Dan! How about that whole Grant Balfour thing?

C’mon, he was hurt.

Says you! Everyone else in America thought he was fine. Look, we all know what this team needs: a big bat, a starter and a closer! The free agents are drying up. So what’re you gonna do, Dan?

Don’t worry about it. I’ll be ready.

Last spring, the consensus was that everything would have to fall exactly right for the Orioles to contend again. And everything did not fall exactly exactly right, Dan.

No, it sure didn’t.

And it looks even shakier this year! The offense is decent, especially when Machado comes back healthy. But it’s hardly a can’t-miss.

It’ll be fine.

And the starters, Dan. You better drop by Pimlico and load up on horseshoes, cause you’re gonna need a lot of luck for that rotation to carry this team.

Quit worryin’. It’ll all work out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my nap.

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3 Responses to “The Slumber of Dan Duquette”
  1. Rocket says:

    Whaddaya mean “slumber”? DD just (re-)signed two minor-league knuckleballers he’d dumped earlier this offseason. I call that very alert and shrewd! Plenty of time left before spring training. Plenty, I tell you!

  2. Tim Gaudette says:

    As heard on 105.7 The Fan in Baltimore. “I just want them to make a move that I don’t have to hit up Google to see who we got”

  3. Donny says:

    Give Dan a break. He’s waiting for AJ Burnett to offically retire before he POUNCES!

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