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August 14, 2014 at 1:16 am ET
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Wanted: New Commissioner

 

The last guy was a tough act to follow. Hahahahahaha!

The last guy was a tough act to follow. Hahahahahaha!

OK, so it says here you want to be the commissioner of major league baseball. Is that right?

Yes. Yes sir, I do.

Great. Well, we’ve got a few questions for you. Gotta make sure you’re qualified, y’know.

Of course, sir. Fire away.

Very good then. First question: do you think you’d be able to completely and utterly condemn players who might’ve taken performance enhancing drugs, even when the game, its owners and you yourself benefited for years from players who did the very same?

I’m sorry, what?

It’s a simple question, son. Let’s say you presided over an era of baseball in which you and everyone else in the game – the players, the owners, the media, the fans – all knew that many of the game’s best players were jacked on steroids, hormones and heaven knows what else. You did nothing about it because you enjoyed the fruits of the game’s resurgence. Then, a few years later, popular opinion changed and today people hate steroid users. Are you willing to make pariahs of the players you once loved and who carried the game?

Uh, yeah. I think I can manage that.

Great. Next question. Let’s say you were desperate to put a team in, oh I don’t know, let’s say … Washington, DC. You’d do almost anything to relocate the team from Montreal – the citizens of which refuse to succumb to your demands for a publicly funded ballpark. But the team from Baltimore needs to know the Washington team won’t steal all its fans. In exchange for allowing the Montreal team to move to Washington, will you force that Washington team to broadcast its games on a television network owned by the Baltimore team, which will keep the lion’s share of the revenue from the Washington team’s broadcast?

Well … I don’t know. That sounds like a pretty bad deal.

Wait! I’m not done! Of course it’s a bad deal! A terrible deal, if you’re the Washington team. But it is still a legally binding deal that you brokered. So now my question is this: when that deal is exposed as a hilarious stinkbomb, will you then try to turn heaven and earth to overturn that deal, declaring it unfair?

Yikes. That would make me look pretty stupid.

A matter of debate, my good man. OK, last question: if the All-Star Game is declining in ratings and fan interest, would you A) shake up the format, like the NHL does? B) try to market the game differently or C) assign home field advantage in the World Series based on the results of a meaningless exhibition?

Jeez. I’d like to think I’d choose B.

WRONG! The answer is C! I’m sorry, son. I’m sure you’re cut out for all manner of professions. But it’s absolutely essential that the commissioner of baseball be short-sighted, easily hoodwinked and a revisionist of history. The last guy in the job set the bar pretty high.

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