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May 2, 2013 at 11:46 am ET
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It’s May. NOW You Can Panic

Baseball is great when the season becomes a nail-biter. When your team struggles and starts to catch up to the leader of the pack, and then everyone gets on board for your underdog. When your favorite player drives in the go-ahead run in that game in the top of the eleventh after so much back and forth taking the lead and tying it up inning after inning.

It is NOT a nail-biter in April. Calm down and stop crying.

It’s so early to tell what the season is going to be like for your team. It is WAY too early to call in to the radio post-game show and start demanding to the overnight guy (who is NOT the team GM) that the team needs to get back to fundamentals. Or that so and so needs to learn how to hit. (note: Adam Dunn needs to learn how to hit.)

EXAMPLE! This year, I’m keeping my ear to the ground to a few non-local (Chicago) teams, such as the Nationals. And a few friends I’ve made in Nationals-land via Twitter are constantly answering other Nationals fans, day after day, if not inning after inning, that all is not lost for the team we all hoped would have gone all the way last year. “But Strasburg is back!” “Our record is similar to last year’s start!” “ARRRRRGH!” On the other coast, my bay area friends are nowhere near as freaked out despite a five game losing streak last week.

I would say World Series trophies keep you relaxed, but not every fan can relax. One of my best friends could only spell doom and gloom for the 2006 White Sox, the day after they won the 2005 World Series. “This is the happiest I’ll ever be,” he said, bowing his head and crying. “Next year is going to suck.”

I’m a little upset because I’m getting emails to vote for the All-Star Team already. Seriously, baseball, nothing has happened yet. Lineups are changing. Closers are finding out they’re not right for the job. Hawk Harrelson just discovered that some people use mathematical data to make decisions about pinch hitting late in the game. MATH, Hawk, and probability!

I would advise everyone to look at their team for the month of April and relaaaaaax. Your team is in a four way tie with everyone except the Astros.

And let it go, and get ready, because NOW is the time to start worrying. Here is some advice for your favorite team(s) for the rest of the season.

-Carlos Marmol not doing the job as closer? Um, Kevin Gregg will probably also not be the guy. Brian Wilson is sitting by his phone RIGHT NOW waiting for you to call.

-Tired of losing to the Braves? Stop playing the Braves.

-You should get a salary refund if your recently signed star pitcher breaks his collarbone. Or if someone breaks it for him.

-Ozzie Guillen and several other people in Florida are available to bench coach if you need one.

-Finishing last behind the A’s, Angels and Rangers will be a thing of the past, thanks to your new rivals, the Astros.

-Don’t threaten to move a beloved team your daddy bought you unless you’re prepared to do it.

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