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November 1, 2013 at 2:07 pm ET
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What if … With Hawk Harrelson – Halloween Edition!

Halloween is a special time where kids of all ages dress up and pretend to be someone else for an evening. But if you’ve got a polo shirt, dockers, a scratchy sweater-vest, and terrible sunglasses a friend who owns a sunglasses company asked you to wear on live TV, you’ve got a Hawk Harrelson costume.

But what does Hawk dress up for on Halloween? Paul Czarnowski asks and Tony Lopez theorizes.

What did Hawk tell Trick Or Treaters last night when they rang his doorbell?

Well let me tell you, DJ, I love Halloween. I love getting dressed up and answering the door and giving the kids the full size candy bars because those fun size bars are a bunch of BS. Who wants a Zagnut bar the size of your big toe? I’ll tell you who: communists and Joe West, that’s who.

I would also throw a huge shindig at the homestead every year. Yaz would run the bobbing apples tank, Don Drysdale would tend bar and drink more than actually serving, Luis Tiant was in charge of music, and Sparky Anderson would run the craps table. One year, though, changed everything. An unruly Thurman Munson showed up angry that he wasn’t invited. I told him that there was a long-standing No Yankees rule, so he should hit the bricks. Then he turned around and took a swing at me. Having the reflexes of a cat, I ducked and Munson ended up hitting Gary Carter square in the mush.

And then all hell broke loose.

When the dust settled, I had two swollen eyes, a living room full of Yaz’s blood, and my home stereo system demolished due to Tiant using it as a fort to protect himself. And that was the last year I celebrated Halloween until 2005, when I had the Good Guys In Black over for a post World Series hoedown.

And wouldn’t you know it, Roger Clemens shows up mad that he wasn’t invited and the whole donnybrook started up just like before. Yaz made me promise never to do it again. There’s only so much blood that man can lose. So to answer the question, I think Mars bars are criminally underrated. And you can print that. Yeeesss! Hell Yes!

What if Hawk Harrelson were a judge on The Voice?

Well let me tell you, Stone Pony, I really liked this girl’s singing ability. She really has TWTW in spades. But there was something I found lacking, and that was the complete and utter absence of yodeling. It really is a lost art and I think this generation could really benefit from some real, authentic Appalachian yodeling.

You know who yodels like an angel? Yaz. That man can yodel as if the big man upstairs lowered his almighty finger, pointed it at Yaz’s throat and told him “You have the gift, son.”

So if I were to give you any advice, it would be to find Yaz, who I believe is on his annual pilgrimage to the Kansas City Barbecue and Hot Tub Festival, and have him teach you the sweet science. Then, and only then, will you be able to conquer this crazy world of modern music. You’ll be the next Hutchinson Family Singers, dag gummit. You can put it on the boooooooooard, YES!

What if Hawk Harrelson wrote a book chronicling his days as the singer of Black Flag?

Well let me tell you, Stone Pony, the year was 1980. I was playing golf with Yaz in Los Angeles and one of my drives swerved off course and ended up hitting this long-haired kid who was carrying a guitar. Why he was on a golf course is beyond my reckoning, but before I could yell “Hang Wiff’ Em!” the ball had hit him right in the head.

I raced over to see if he was okay and the kid recognized me from my playing days. He said his name was Greg something or other and he had a band and wanted me to come and see them. Yaz and I had dinner plans with Tommy Lasorda and Lindsey Wagner at The Brown Derby later that night, but we had some time to kill so we figured what the heck. He takes us to this abandoned old factory where a bunch of other long haired freaky kids were sitting around doing a whole bunch of nothing. They set up their equipment and Greg asks if I wanted to sing lead since they were in the market for a singer.

I’m no Boz Scaggs, but I said why not? I step to the mic and ask them if they knew any Nitty Gritty Dirt Band tunes. They said no, but they knew some chords and told me to make it up as I went along. Suddenly, these guys start making the loudest dag gumm racket I’ve ever heard. I sang a few lines about Yaz and my love of Sans-A-Belt slacks before I decided to get the hell out of there.

As I was leaving, I asked what the name of their band was. They said Black Flag. Like the bug spray. I said you gotta be bleepin’ me. Good luck making it with that name, boys! He gone!

The twitters: Paul – @kingvermin Tony – @violentlylopez

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