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January 23, 2013 at 1:35 am ET
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The Phillies Gain is the Phillies Loss

“Render onto Philadelphia that which is Philadelphia’s”, was my first thought upon finding out that the Phillies agreed to a one-year deal with former Tiger, Delmon Young. Delmon, a bigoted, overweight, underachieving headcase who has never given anyone reason to believe in his viability as a major leaguer, is the perfect fit for the City of Brotherly Love.

For those who haven’t spent much time in the odd amalgamation of Northeastern and Southern trashiness that is Philly, with its unbearable summer humidity and stark, windy winters, let me tell you from personal experience that there is no more apt athlete to don a Phillies jersey. The mouthbreathers who inhabit that town, living off of cheesesteaks and the lunatic notion that their city is still in any way relevant (yes, I know I’m from Detroit, but we don’t really believe we’re relevant anymore), should welcome Delmon with open arms. He is one of them. He loves picking fights with strangers outside bars. He loves not giving a shit about what physical shape he is in. He loves yelling slurs at people with whom he doesn’t share common ancestry. He’s everything Philadelphians cherish and embrace.

To top this signing off, Ruben Amaro, the Phillies GM, said the team planned on playing Dell in right field. For those who haven’t seen him covering that territory in several years, well, that’s because he hasn’t. It’s been six years, in fact, since Young played the number 9 position. In the intervening time he’s played a mix of designated hitter and something that could only loosely be described as “left field”. Hell, calling him a hitter is a bit of a stretch, too, since he’s only had one above-average offensive season in his career. Seeing him in right field again should be a treat for anyone who’s personal entertainment is highly reliant on shadenfreude.

I’ve been wondering all offseason who was going to be the sucker that gave Delmon a major league deal. It came as absolutely no surprise to me that it was Philadelphia. His combination of lackluster effort, declining skills, and complete lack of discipline should play nicely in front of the home fans… That is, until they start throwing batteries at him.

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