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October 21, 2008 at 1:43 am ET
10 Comments
You bet your hair the better team won!

Before...The first thing I thought of when Jed Lowrie grounded out to Aki Iwamura toテつclose the door onテつthe 2008 Red Sox season Sunday night was “Damn,テつthe Patsテつaren’t gonna win it all this yearテつeither -テつso much for jumping right into football!”

After thatテつthought passed, the next thing that came into my mind was “Shit, I freaking lost a bet to Senor Chalk, and now I have to cut my hair into a Mohawk!” Then I went outside and prayed for a Tampa Bay lightning bolt to strike me dead on the spot.

Unfortunately, here I am today. Humble and practically hairless (on top), and having to heap praise on a team I have spent the better part of the past six months loathing.

But make no mistakeテつabout it, the Tampa Bay Raysテつhave definitleyテつearned all the praise they will have heaped on them.

Not only did they exorciseテつall the demons they metテつas they languished in the AL East cellar for the past decade by winning their first-ever division title, but they vanquished the hatedテつ& feared beasts of the East in seven games in the League Championship Series, and no one can ever take that away from them, no matter what happens in the Fall Classic.

In one year this team, led byテつits classy, wise, and revolutionary manager, managed to go fromテつlast placeテつto the cusp of a world championship, energized a region that was indifferent towards the sport, and get this and many lifelongテつBoston fansテつto admit thatテつour mighty Sox got beat byテつthe better team every time it mattered most down the stretch.

Except for Game 5. We’ll always have Game 5.

And so with that knowledge serving as the backdrop for whatテつis shaping up to be a very long and painful off season, I enlisted the help of my disbelieving wife and set about the task of fulfilling my end of the bet.

...afterAnd hereテつis the result.

You see, it takes a brave man to follow through on something like this, and a very stupid one to engage in such a ridiculous wager in the first place. As my wife said to me as she meticulously shaved me into a modern day version of Travis Bickle, “don’t ever do anything like this again, okay?”

Don’t worry, honey. Lesson learned.

Now I will attempt to relocate some shred of my dignity, regain the respect of my son, go about my normal everyday life, and try to blend into the community without anyone reporting me as an escapee from state prison.

The only good thing aboutテつsporting this lookテつand living here in the Tampa Bay area is thatテつI can blend in with the rest of the Raysheads and not get as much shit as I would have had l still lived in Boston.

But now Iテつwill get lumped in with very group of people I have been bashing for weeks. Except I don’t have one of those cheesy faux-Hawks, like all the faux fans down here do.テつNo, I’ve got a full-fledged psychopathic Soxhawk.

Good thing I own a lot of hats.

Kudos to the Raysテつfor winning this series and Chalk for winning this bet, and best of luck in the World Series. Never has the term “wait till next year” meant so much to me.

For more pix of my harrowing experience, and proof that this is not a PhotoshopHawk, click here.

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10 Responses to “You bet your hair the better team won!”
  1. Jeff says:

    How long do you gotta keep that slightly off-kilter mohawk?

  2. UncleTony says:

    Don’t fret, Jeff – it’ll grow back by the time the series is over!

  3. Jeff says:

    Didn’t know if you guys had a retention time in your bet. I guarantee that shiat would suck after a day, I can’t imagine months.

  4. cubfanraysadict says:

    and we’ll always have game 7, as a cubs as well (for 20 years) you saying ‘we’ll always have game 5′, made me realize you may not be the $140 mil. salary underdogs (like my cubs) anymore but you still whine like them.

  5. Nicole says:

    Nice hair!! It will grow back in no time. I wish I could have been back home for the series.

  6. Anarchist Accountant says:

    Rose, with that little hair, it might grow back by 5:00 today. I don’t see you having to stock up on your hat collection too much. Maybe someone will send you a Rays AL championship hat to be nice…

  7. Jeff- I realize it’s slightly off, but my wife and I learned it’s extremely hard to do it perfectly.

    Cubsfanraysaddict – lighten up Francis, it was a joke. Kinda like every Cubs season. No Sox fan cares about winning one game when we lost the series. It’s all or nothing for us. We don’t get excited about winning one playoff game like Cubs fans would. If the team actually could win one, that is.

    Nikki – you are missing out on the Rays hysteria for sure. Super Bowl’s here in five months as well.

    AA- It’s not the point of the length of the hair but that I followed through on the bet. Plus I shaved the sides bald, something not many other Rayshawk sporters have done, so… Why are you always so analytical? Oh yeah, you’re a frigging ‘accountant’ – Never mind!

  8. Jeff says:

    Hey now, someone has to count the beans.

  9. Phillysue says:

    Now that’s hot! Keep it!

  10. Well, thanks a lot, Sue.

    It’s funny, I’ve had a number of ladies (my wife, her friends, the lady at the pet store) tell me they think it looks good and to keep it. And here I thought I looked like a deranged serial killer/idiot. Who knew?!

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