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June 11, 2014 at 11:30 am ET
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From the Divine to the Ridiculous

They called it a Bible bump.

It was in fact a neuroma, a hardened swelling of nerve tissue, on some portion of the finger or hand that made any activity performed using that digit or paw result in crippling pain. It’s an over-use injury. There was no known cure aside from having surgery to remove the mass, or, if you were a working-class printer, say, with no health insurance to speak of, there was the Bible.

You could use it to pray, of course, and no one would blame you if you did, before you handed the book to the guy next to you for its real purpose in clearing a neuroma.

He would raise the Good Book reverently in both hands slowly above the head, pause, then BANG! The Lord’s fury and righteousness brought down upon the hand or digit that lay exposed on the compositor’s table. (I say “he” because you wouldn’t want to cry in front of a “girl,” right?)

The screaming and swearing would begin to subside after not too long and then, if the blow had been administered properly, so would the swelling in pretty short order. Back to work, you big baby.

Carlos Gonzalez, outfielder and slugger for the Colorado Rockies, appears to have had such a Bible bump, since removed by surgical means (he does have a pretty good health insurance plan, I’m thinking). Oh, the doctors are looking at the mass of whatever they took from his left index finger, so I’ll let them make the final call.

Anyway, CarGo is looking at some time to heal from the surgery — if it was in fact a neuroma, maybe a couple of weeks – then he can at least think about gripping a baseball bat again without wincing at the very thought. (We all pray, of course, that a neuroma is all it is. The team reports seem pretty chill.) Perhaps he’s back before the All-Star break.

Meantime, CarGo is already tweeting, bilingually, with his other hand: @CarGoMedia5: “Ahora a recuperarme de la cirugĂ­a. Los veo pronto desde el terreno! / Time to recover from surgery, see you soon!”

Wait. Did someone say “over-use injury”? Oh, yeah … that was me.

Wasn’t Gonzalez’s right hand messed up last year? Middle finger? Same type of weird soreness? Couldn’t grip the bat? Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Drop the phone, No. 5. Or I’ll be at the door with a Bible.

And I ain’t selling salvation.

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