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February 13, 2013 at 8:17 pm ET
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A Valentine’s Confession: I Have A Man Crush On Joey Votto

On Valentine’s Day our hearts turn toward love. A recent conversation about my love for baseball has inspired me to expound upon one of life’s great mysteries: The Man Crush.

The other day I was talking to my girlfriend about the approach of spring training and I’m sure that I was babbling incessantly about one of my many man crushes, Joey Votto, which prompted her to inquire, “what’s up with man crushes? Are they based on attraction?” I assured her that they indeed are NOT because a man crush is non-sexual in nature. That question lead me to believe that most women probably do not understand the dynamic and complex nature of a full-blown man crush. I will attempt to break it down for the ladies, or for the fellas who can, in turn, explain it to their ladies because it can be awfully hard to articulate.

Simply put, a man crush is when one straight male crushes on another straight male with no sexual attraction whatsoever. Urban Dictionary defines a man crush as:

“Respect, adoration and idolization of another man. Non-sexual. Celebrities, athletes and rock stars are often the object of a man crush”

This is by no means to be confused with the “bromance.” A bromance is a close, non-sexual relationship with another man or small group of men that one actually knows and probably hangs out with too often. The defining difference is that the object of a man crush is generally a person that one has never met. One cannot have a man crush on a friend, that is simply a strong friendship.

Since this is a baseball blog and not “Scooter’s Guide To Various Degrees Of Man Love” I should probably elaborate more on my man crush and why I find him so dreamy…

Joseph Daniel Votto is one of the game’s best hitters. His intensity at the plate is eerie. He is affectionately known here as “The Eyebrows Of Doom” because when he dials in on an opposing pitcher, with that steely glare, that pitcher is most likely doomed. Another moniker he has acquired is “Vottomatic”, well, because, duh. Also, I recently visited his palatial estate, which is under construction just to our south in God’s country (Kentucky.) It has a Grotto. Yeah, a Votto grotto. I’m assuming that’s what it is. I didn’t ask because I wasn’t invited. Frankly, I was trespassing. That’s not creepy, right?

Finally, as displayed at Reds Fest this past December, he grows a righteous beard in the off season. I’m talking straight up Canadian man beard. Ahhhh Joey…call me maybe.

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