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Bugs & Cranks
March 6, 2014 at 3:37 pm ET
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The Ultimate Seattle Mariner

I hereby nominate Willie Bloomquist as the Ultimate Seattle Mariner.

Sure, you may think it would be someone like Griffey Jr, or Ichiro, or even Alex Rodriguez. Maybe King Felix,  Jay Buhner, Edgar, or even Bret Boone would be a good choice for you, if you were thinking sensibly.

These are the M’s, though. For every Buhner, there’s a Cotto. For every A-Rod, there’s a Fermin. For every Edgar, there’s a Figgins.

Think about the history of the franchise. Many years of total ineptitude, a few high water marks, a total outlier of a season, and then a long, painful decline back to meh-ville. Because of the long history of out-and-out mediocrity:

The Ultimate Seattle Mariner is:

  • Overrated
  • Over-priced
  • Offensively Challenged
  • Defensively Stretched at key positions
  • Oddly utilized in other positions
  • Scrappy and / or gritty to his detriment
  • Just good enough to look good, but not really performing well at all

That sounds like the Mariners, eh?

Others in the B&C crew nominated Joey Cora, Henry Cotto, Greg Briley, Chone Figgins, or even Julio Cruz. As for pitchers, Glenn Abbott and Scott Bankhead came to us. But none really have the total package of abject mediocrity in a ‘he looks good if you look at him in the right light’ package as Mr. Bloomquist.

Willie’s back now, and fits right in with the late in the career pickups such as Willie Horton and Gorman Thomas.

Now that he’s back, Mariners fans, revel in him taking valuable ABs away from young players in the name of grit and hustle. Marvel as he fills in as a corner outfielder even as he slugs under .350. Thrill as he grittily dives on the ground for no effect or cause.

Plus, his lifetime OPS is .666. Not only is that a stanky OPS, it’s also a cursed number.

Stanky and cursed.

There are your Mariners, ladies and gents!

 

 

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One Response to “The Ultimate Seattle Mariner”
  1. smitty says:

    Hey, I nominated Bob Stinson.

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