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May 23, 2013 at 1:07 am ET
Angels Promotional Giveways Need a Boost

While just slightly ahead of the Los Angeles Angels (19-27) in the standings, the Los Angeles Dodgers (19-26) are five miles ahead on a jam-packed 405 freeway at rush hour when it comes to promotional giveaways. Dodgers swag includes a Magic Johnson t-shirt, a Rick Monday “Flag Saving” bobble head and a cool hooded sweatshirt. Meanwhile, Angels fans can score a rally wig, a drawstring bag or this ridiculous Mike Trout fish hat.

The marketing department in Anaheim needs some help, so I came up with some giveaways sure to reward Angel fans for attending some weeknight game against the Twins while the Angels are ten games out of first.


Mike Scioscia’s  Cliches My Way: Interview Strategies That Get the Media Off My Ass Coffee Table Book Night. 

Scioscia’s the worst when it comes to interviews. Everything out of his lasagna hole is a cliche. Turn the page. One pitch at a time. You have to focus on the process and play good baseball. If he talks like this in the clubhouse, it’s no wonder his teams haven’t made the postseason since 2009. He sounds like every adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon. “Wah wah wah, wah wah wah. Wah.”

Mark Trumbo Mini Personal Handheld Fan Night

Enjoy the breeze on a sunny So Cal day when Trumbo’s bat rapidly whiffs at low and outside sliders. Powered by two AA batteries or bad strike zone judgment.

Joe Blanton’s The Least Interesting Player in Baseball Poster

“I don’t always pitch well, but when I do, I still manage to lose the game.”

Josh Hamilton Refund Night

Every fan in attendance receives $5 bills autographed by Hamilton. People don’t turn down free money, so expect all 42,050 seats to be sold, which leads to a modest $225,250 out of Hamilton’s $17 million salary in 2013.

Build Me Up Buttercup Demolition Night

Bring any album cover, record, tape or CD featuring The Foundations pop title Build Me Up Buttercup and receive a free ticket to the game. Items will be placed in a crate and blown up immediately following Take Me Out to the Ballgame, ending the tradition of the most wussified song in the seventh-inning at Angel Stadium.

Jered Weaver Broken Arm Bobble Head Night

Silky blonde hair oozes from this beautiful piece as Weaver’s severed right arm lay on the mound clutching a baseball. Alternate promo name: Weaver Goes All Dave Dravecky Night.

C.J. Wilson Straight Edge Night

Catch legendary punk band Minor Threat in concert as they tear up the outfield grass following the game. No beer served this night. No promiscuous sex in the bleachers. Batting gloves branding the letter “X” on the back of the hand and “Straight Edge” rub-on tattoos will be handed out to children 12 and under.

Albert Pujols Shoe Insert Night

Sponsored by Dr. Scholl’s. Avoid straining the ligament in the arch of your foot with these orthotics, featuring the slugger’s face over bright Angel red. Or, take out your frustration with Pujols and his serious regression as you walk around town and stomping on his face.

Angels marketing, Tweet me @SethTearz and we’ll work out the payments. You’re welcome.

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5 Responses to “Angels Promotional Giveways Need a Boost”
  1. Robin Legaspi says:


  2. Ian says:

    Looking forward to the Trumbo fan night. Need it for the hot summer days ahead

  3. Will the Thrill says:

    Did someone say bobble head?

  4. Will the Thrill says:

    And when will the Angels’ front office realize that no one likes Buttercup? It’s a curse, not a tradition.

  5. Scott Kelly says:

    Funniest thing I have read in a while. Well done.

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